The battle inside

Today was a nightmare, a horrid dream
With no hope for a return, and no ability to scream
I was abandoned by hope and harassed by reality
I was taunted by aggravation and persecuted by morality
Depression came too, and she was by far the worst
Tapping into your deepest fears, where it really hurts
I tried hard to escape, but there was no way to hide
It's hard to avoid your enemy, when it's your own mind

Reviews

[pia]

By far one of the best poems ive read
Really good rhyme scheme and imagery
The theme behind it is a battle most of us fight on a daily basis !! The structure was well put together and honestly the last line was great. Your mind plays you all the time and can be your greatest enemy sometimes
Well written

[Eden-Rose]

Thank you so very much!

[Najam Us Saher]

Very honest poem. You really expressed those feelings very well..

[Eden-Rose]

Thank you!

[Najam Us Saher]

You're welcome.

[Coyote Poetry]

You are right Eden-Rose.
"It's hard to avoid your enemy, when it's your own mind"
Internal struggle can destroy us. Thank you for sharing the amazing poetry and thoughts.
Coyote

[Eden-Rose]

Thank you so much!

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome Eden-Rose.

[JayG]

From a structural viewpoint, I have little to quibble about till L5, which adds an extra foot and seems awkward. I'd drop "by far." L6, 7, & 8 jump to six feet, each, which doesn't seem to track, and seem constructed in haste.

But in general, I have to ask, "What's in it for me?"

Someone I know nothing about, in an unknown situation, tells me, "Today was a nightmare, a horrid dream." That's valid, and the natural response from a reader is, "Why?"

But you never say why, only repeat the first line in a different form, seven more times, making this seem more a therapy piece, as meaningful as letting out a scream, and useful to the one doing the screaming, but disconnected from the reader.

I liked your, A girl of silence, because though it's still a cry for help, it invites the reader in. You might want to focus on that, to make it "our" despair rather then a report of yours.

Something to keep in mind: a "condition" is a problem that has no solution, yet MUST be solved, yielding only a death spiral. Change that to a problem, instead, one with potential solutions, and there's hope. Give the reader (and the protagonist) that glimmer of hope, and you invite them in.

[Eden-Rose]

I value your opinion but I'm not going to follow it. Also my poem was not "constructed in haste" and I'm sorry if you feel you get nothing out of it. I appreciate your opinion and your review.

[Ana B.]

indeed the mind is our own trap and enemy and a lifetime is often not enough to even realize it. I can relate to this, especially that today was indeed a crappy day...Lovely done Eden :)

[Eden-Rose]

Thank you very much!