Cry for help

Trembling alone buried under torn golden locks
Cries a broken little girl posing as an adult
She looks to the sky with worn, tear filled eyes
Wondering why her creator wished her such demise
What did I do? she curses up above
To deserve such hate when all I've given you was love
Why do you decide to punish me so?
Are you beating me down so I'll let go?
So I'll give up my strength and leave everything behind
So I'll give up hope and pretending that I'm fine
My faith has never been so low, please just give me a sign
That someday this will be over and happiness will be mine
For now I am broken Lord and I need your healing hand
So my legs and my mind will no longer tremble when I try to stand
I'm begging you please reply to my cry for help
I can't do this on my own, because I don't trust myself.

Reviews

[Tabby Mac]

LOVE THIS PIECE!!
This captures the rawness of true feelings. Ones I have felt before. I love how you've exposed the very soul...in words.
"I don't trust myself."
This is a sad deep write. A healing write as well. We shake our fist first at God for all our mistakes and wrong choices or even things that have been done to us beyond our control...feeling the weight of the world that one can't get up.
"Cries of a broken little girl posing as an adult."
Either something keeps us in child mode or we hold ourselves there. Sometimes because of making choices we thought we'd never make.
This is a very relatable poem. I think many will be comforted by the truth of process in this piece. Although it is rip my heart out sad, feel the blood seep off the page kind of pain...
This piece reminds me of where I use to be. And reminds me to be great that I'm no longer there.
Hugs to you for writing such a heartfelt, raw piece!
Tabby

[Eden-Rose]

Thank you so very much!

[C. Lee Battaglia]

Dear Eden,
This poem was so sad but also a beautiful piece of art! Your poems are unique and that's what I like about your writing style.
My favorite part was,
"My faith has never been so low, please just give me a sign
That someday this will be over and happiness will be mine"
Please continue to write and share your excellent Poetry!
Your Friend,

C. Lee Battaglia

[Eden-Rose]

Thank you so very much!

[C. Lee Battaglia]

Your welcome!
Could you please check out my latest poem?
Thanks!

[Sonakshi Arora]

Your words are self explanatory and transcend the exact vibes! Keep it up

[Eden-Rose]

Thank you so much!

[Zoya]

This is really very emotional. The rhyming scheme, according to me, fits quite well, and it makes this piece all the more absorbing. I enjoyed reading it. Very well written!

[Eden-Rose]

Thank you so much!

[Zoya]

You're welcome

[Shannon Miller]

This is absolutely gorgeous. i relate to this on a very deep level. it's simply lovely

[Eden-Rose]

Thank you truly

[Jesus0996]

Wow, great job. I love the flow of this poem and its rhymes. It is very descriptive and creative.

[Eden-Rose]

Thank you so very much!

[Farhan Shaikh]

Good job, and a good end, this is more like story than to be a poem, but i think it is really good by considering what is this all about..
Liked it

[Eden-Rose]

Thank you very much!

[JayG]

I have mixed feelings about this.

If you're going to rhyme, then rhyme, plus all that goes with structured poetry. If not, make sure you don't, because a reader finds it jarring to find a rhyme, develop expectations of having it happen regularly, but then it doesn't.

Next: I see places where, were this a story, there would be paragraphs. In poetry, stanzas perform much the same function, and are an aid for the reader. For example, when you say, "What did I do?" would be one such spot. And in line with that, what do you have against quotation marks? Punctuation is an aid to both understanding, and how you want it read.

In L4 you say "demise." But that means death, yet you go on as if she survives.

As a personal reaction, only:

I liked "torn golden locks," but given everything else that's said they're dirty golden locks (which would be at war with "golden"). And I have no idea of what torn locks are, unless this is a child of war. Yet "little girl posing as an adult " sounds more like prostitution/drug addict.

[Eden-Rose]

You've taken a unique perspective on my writing and I appreciate that. The poem is meant to be about an abused child trying to act strong. The torn golden locks are a result of the abuse. The worn eyes are from crying. The use of the word demise is because she feels dead inside. Lastly the reason for no quotation marks was I thought it would bring the reader closer to the character. Though poetry is left for you to take your own perspective I thought my thoughts may be of some assistance.

[JayG]

Notice that everything you mentioned, above, represents your intent for the word or a line. But when you free your words and release them into the world, you, your intent, and everything about you become irrelevant. For any given reader the words mean what their placement suggests to THAT reader, based on their background and perspective, without you there to explain when it's read. And when you factor in that the reader probably comes from a different: area, age-group, cultural assumptions, and even gender...

One of the dangers of "telling the story" to the reader is that your intent, and knowledge of the situation being talked about, will make you forget that what's obvious to you isn't so to the reader. So while your intent was to speak of an abused child to me, " girl posing as an adult," meant she was dressing and acting in a way to make other adults believe she's not underage. Plus, the external viewpoint tends to be dispassionate, because the reader won't place the emotion into the words you, who know the "story" will. Have your computer read it to you to hear what your reader gets.

That's one reason it's best, if you can, to place it into the viewpoint of the person living the situation rather than have an external author provide a summation.

Hope this clarifies.