Part 1

Part 1

Death has been a morbid fascination for mankind, even before we could communicate effectively. For some, it has become a subject of worship, Cults have been formed, thrived, and even become accepted, on the subject on Death, and its study. Even the major "Life" religions have a fixation on Death, or the avoidance of it. I am one of the people who devote the majority of my waking life to the study of Death, how it works, and on the physical manifestations it appears in. In my travels across the World, I have never stumbled upon a more innately evil, nor a more dangerous secret in the entire world. As I am laying here, close to my Deathbed, I am able to scrape together enough courage to write this down so that all may be warned about the horrors hidden deep inside the annals of New England.

It began when I stumbled into a shoddy hamlet located in the Cape Cod area in early July of 1999. Approaching it leaves one with an invariable sense of despair. As one walks through the town, one sees it's rotting from disuse and apathy. Approaching the center of town, one can't help but notice the winding, tree covered hills that serve as a backdrop to the obscure town that is Malakor. Gorges and ravines of problematical depth intersect the way, and the crude wooden bridges always seem of dubious safety. When the road dips again there are stretches of marshland one instinctively dislikes, and indeed, almost fears at night when unseen spirits chatter and the fireflies come out in abnormal amounts to dance to the raucous, creepily insistent rhythms of piping bullfrogs.

Outsiders visit Malakar as seldom as possible, and since a certain discovery, all the signboards pointing toward it have been taken down. The scenery, judged by any ordinary aesthetic canon, is more than commonly beautiful; yet there is no influx of artists or summer tourists. The natives are now repellent decadent, having gone far along that path of retrogression so common in many New England backwaters. They have come to form a race by themselves, with the well-defined mental and physical stigmata of degeneracy and inbreeding. The average of their intelligence is woefully low, whilst their annals reek of overt viciousness and of half-hidden murders, incests, and deeds of almost unnameable violence and perversity.

It was in one of the less moldered residences, I was delving into the more obscure occult writings, and a girl approached me from behind. She was of a kind enough disposition, and looking to be about my age, at 17. She was also gifted with an above average physical attractiveness and, indeeed, an innate beauty.

"May I help you with anything?" She asked me, a friendly tone in her voice.

"Perhaps. Do you happen to have an original copy of 'For I am Death'?" I asked her, a warm smile across my face.

She looked at me, her smile slowly disappearing, and replied "U-uh, maybe we do. L-let me check out back."

"Thanks," my smile remained, and I began to pace across the room as I waited for the girl to return.

She returned after a while, shaking slightly. In her hands she is holding what appeared to be the original, Latin translation of the book 'For I am Death'

I looked at the book, my jaw dropping open as what she was holding set in. I gingerly took the it from her and opened the front cover. I looked back at the girl with a quizzical look.

She smiled weakly at me, a slight blush on her cheeks. "It's part of my personal library," She motioned to a secluded table in the back of the shop, and I followed her to it, sitting next to her.

As I opened the book, I could see that the book was in amazing shape. It's pages as white now as I imagined they were 350 years ago. My eyes were wide in amazement as I scanned the pages.

"Can you read Latin?" The girl asks me shyly.

"Yeah, I taught myself it while I was in the prison that is High School," I laughed, and say "I can translate some of it if you would like,"

Her face lit up, "That would be amazing!" She said giddily. She then added "Oh, what's your name, by the way?"

I smiled and say "Alexander. But you can call me Alex. What is yours?"

"Alice. Let's not do this here, wanna come over to my house?" She asked, blushing a bit.

"I would love that, Alice. Lead the way," I say, gesturing for the door, tucking the book into my jacket.

Reviews

[Jamie Cook]

The beginning was awesome! I was just snapping away props to you! It's so true! Oh cults, how I love them! and then it got sweet like d'aaaaw! Really cute, and damn....i wish that book was real, I'd totes have that a bedtime story for me. Great job mate. :D

[Alex Avery]

reading on?

[Jamie Cook]

yes

[KAOlmsted]

Last one ;-) Take a breath...here we go...

"As I opened the book, I could see that the book was in amazing shape." -the book, the book, the book...did I mention the book? *laugh* Just say "it" and trust us to know you mean the book ;-) (and there's that b*****d "that" again!) xD

"It's pages as white now as they were 350 years ago." -Try "It's pages were just as white as I imagine they had been three hundred and fifty years ago." He couldn't possibly know what the pages looked like three and a half centuries ago.

""Yeah, I taught myself it while I was in the prison that is High School," I laugh, and say "I can translate some of it if you would like,"" -okay. Now I'm starting to wonder when this takes place and it would be very helpful if, in the beginning, you give us some indication as to when this all occurred. That background noise I mentioned earlier would be an ideal time to reveal that. And...I'm not picking on you, I swear, but the dialogue here is very immature. Your narrator strikes me as introspective and mature for his seventeen years and yet, every time he opens his mouth I roll my eyes. Perhaps give him language that conveys his intelligence. He knows Latin, for Christ's sake. He's a smart guy. Make him show me that with his dialogue.

"Her face lights up, and she says "That would be amazing!" She says giddily. She then adds "Oh, what's your name, by the way?"" -Okay. I'm starting to see the problem here. You need to work on your dialogue in general. Every writer does, actually, at some point. Realistic dialogue is key to any successful novel. And this is a bit clunky. Try "Her face lit up. "That would be wonderful," she said, and I smiled. She was no longer shaking and pale when she asked my name.

"I smiled and told her, "Alexander. But you can call me Alex. What is yours?"

"Alice," she said, blushing. "But let's not do this here. You can give me a lesson at my house."

"I would love that, Alice," I said. "Lead the way."

She smiled shyly and, as we headed for the door, I tucked the book into my jacket."

(Just a suggestion on how to fix some of the dialogue...Take it or leave it) ;-)

Also, may I suggest closing this on a note of foreboding? Like give us some foreshadowing on how horribly those lessons were to turn out, or something...anything...to make me feel the sense of dread you want me to feel as opposed to ending on this happy note. Something like, "If I only knew what those Latin lessons would unleash." Or something like that...know what I mean?

All in all, a pretty good start. I hope my feedback was helpful. Thank you for taking the time to hear me out.

-kimmer ;-)

[Alex Avery]

Ungh. Owwie. It's a first person view, and I am basing me off of, well, me. I a, using my everyday way of speaking in the dialogue. And the time frame is 21st century. I just love writing using archaisms.

[Alex Avery]

And what about my next parts?

[KAOlmsted]

I'm sure the "Thank you for taking the enormous amount of time it took you to review and critique my writing so thoroughly and thoughtfully" was implied.

The next parts? No thank you. We're through here. I hope you got something useful from this, I won't be reading any more. It is clearly not appreciated. I wish you much success in your future endeavors.

[Alex Avery]

Aww don't be like that. I was being blunt. I am sorry for any emotional distress my lack of thanks has caused you. But all the same, thank you a lot

[KAOlmsted]

Onward...

"It was in one of the less moldered residences, I was delving into the more obscure occult writings, and a girl approached me from behind." -small tweak. Maybe "It was in one of the less moldered residences where I had been delving into the more obscure occult writings when a girl approached me from behind." *shrug* Your baby, your rules, but to my eye it flowed better. The adding of the "had been" is a common tool when writing about past events within a remembered past event. Know what I mean?

"...kindly tone..." -maybe "in a kind voice"? Or even just "in a kind tone".

"For I am Death" -should the "am" be capitalized? I'm not familiar with the tomb of which you write ;-)

"She look at me, her smile slowly disappearing, and her reply was stuttered "U-uh, maybe we do. L-let me check out back." -"She looked at me" for starters. Simple typo, no worries. Now. How about "She looked at me and paled; her smile disappeared. "U-uh, perhaps, in back, l-let me check," she replied." I don't think it's necessary to point out she's stuttering. To say "she stuttered" and then give us the stuttering dialogue is kind of overkill.

Okay. Now we have hit a real snare because you suddenly jump back into present tense. This is a remembered event. It needs to be in the past tense.

""Thanks," my smile remains, and I pace across the room as I wait for the girl to return." -Maybe "I kept the smile on my face. "Thanks," I told her, and paced across the room until she returned."

Now is the perfect opportunity for you to give us readers some scene setting. We know we're in a less mouldered residence, but what does it look like? I'm not saying go into minute detail about every last object in the room (I am NOT saying that *laugh*) but a little background noise might be helpful here. have your narrator notice something odd, or something beautiful, or something, I don't know, ordinary, just have him notice something. bring me into that room with him. Please.

And now "She returns after a time" (put into the past tense, of course) ;-) can be eliminated and you can say "When she returned, in her slightly shaking hands she held a copy of 'For I am Death', in it's original, Latin translation."

""Oh my God! Is that what i think it is? This is amazing!" I run up to her and wrap her up in a giant hug, spinning her around, laughing. I set her down and laugh nervously, saying "I'm sorry about that." -Okay. I'm not loving this. I'm getting the feeling this is sort of old New England, maybe pre nineteenth century even, and to have the narrator suddenly shout "Oh my God!" is, I'm guessing, not at all the way people spoke back then and could, in fact, be misconstrued as blasphemy...it sounds immature in my head, like this is a modern day teenager going, "Like, oh. My. God." You know? Perhaps the "Oh my god" thought could be conveyed in his actions. He's excited to see this book, clearly. To have him say "Is that what I think it is?" by the way, is a bit...well...I'll just say it...stupid (sorry *cringe*) in that he asked the girl if she had a copy, she said perhaps, went back to look and came out with a book so...it's a pretty safe bet that is, in fact, what he thinks it is. I think dialogue here is unnecessary, especially as it doesn't move the plot along and it is out of character. I think if you have the narrator tell us, the reader, what he felt when he saw the book, perhaps he trembled, perhaps he stifled a gleeful laugh, then let us know it was all just too much so he picks this girl up and starts twirling her around...that would have more of an impact than the immature dialogue you chose. (I hope that didn't hurt too bad *laugh* The name of the game here is constructive criticism; I really am trying to help).

I hope I am...one more review to come ;-)

[KAOlmsted]

I'm diving in ;-)

"Death has been a morbid fascination for mankind, even before we could communicate effectively." -this might read better as "even before man could..."

"worship, Cults have been formed, thrived, and even become accepted, on the subject on Death, and its study." -better, perhaps, with a period after "worship" and start a new sentence. The sentence following "worship" is a little clunky. It tripped me up. Maybe something like "With the subject of death and its study as their epicenter, cults have been formed, and they have even thrived and become accepted." I don't know. If you decide to keep it as is, maybe word the "on the subject on death" as "on the subject of death". *shrug*

"I am one of the people who devote the majority of my waking life to the study of Death, how it works, and on the physical manifestations it appears in." -A little bit later we learn the narrator is on his deathbed. This might read easier as a past tense thing. I understand the narrator is in the present, recalling past events, but he's also on his death bed so he no longer devotes his life to anything. Perhaps "I have devoted my entire life to the study of Death, how it works, and on the physical manifestations in which it appears." (Ending a sentence with a preposition weakens the structure.) Just a suggestion.

"In my travels across the World, I have never stumbled upon a more innately evil, nor a more dangerous secret in the entire world." -I like what you're trying to say here, but the word choice falls flat. Lose "in the entire world" It's unnecessary. And, as we're on the subject, I would use that as the last sentence in the paragraph, like this "As I am laying on my Deathbed, I am able to scrape together enough courage to write this down so that all may be warned about the horrors hidden deep inside the annals of New England. In my travels across the World, I have never stumbled upon a more innately evil, nor a more dangerous secret." NOW I want to keep reading. See?

First and foremost, let me tell you I like your use of the word "one" here. I hate hate hate it when a narrator addresses the reader as "you" so, well done there. Now this. "... one sees it's rotting..." Do you mean one sees its rotting (no apostrophe) with the subject being the hamlet; or did you mean one sees it is rotting? If it's the former, lose the apostrophe. If it's the latter, lose the contraction all together and write out "it is"...sounds better.

"...the winding, tree covered hills..." -I have never heard of a hill described as "winding" before...and I've lived in New England ;-) Perhaps a more suitable adjective would be "rolling"?

The last sentence in paragraph two...I like what you're trying to say here, but I wonder if it could be said in a way that is more congruous with the rest of the paragraph, which is basically saying when you see this town for the first time, this is what it feels like. I love "...stretches of marshland that one instinctively dislikes..." It conveys the thought nicely...it's instinctual, this feeling. Great stuff. Having said that...I need to point something out to you. The word "that" when used in the context with which you have used it, is absolutely, well, useless. I despise it in literature. My school of thought has always been, if you can read the sentence without the "that" and it still makes sense, drop that sucker like it's hot. Now. Where were we? Ah yes. To then follow that instinctual observation with a statement of fact, that there is fear at night and there are all these fireflies and bull frogs, makes me wonder how anybody who has never been to the town before could know such things about it. Just something to chew on, really. The sentence, in and of itself, isn't bad.

Third paragraph: you f*****g nailed it, dude. (Pardon my French) ;-)

...to be continued ;-)

[KAOlmsted]

Okay...I tried posting it in one lump sum, but WC won't let me so my review is going to come in parts. Just as soon as I get back from picking up my daughter from school. I know I know, you're all a twitter with excitement xD

Anyway, they will come in one after the other so, obviously, start with the oldest review first.

-kimmer

[Elizabeth Sanders]

Wow! really good!

[Thomas Fitzgerald]

One could make a multidue of parallels between Lovecraft and this writing, yet I sense you feeling of descriptive nature within the text lays heavy handed to a point. I adore your plotted pointing, this makes the journey of reading such an intense chapter - albeit the first - much easier to swallow as it were. Guided and tempered, always remember that Lovecraft was a devil for editting without mercy, a good start.

[Ben Walker]

I really enjoyed this piece - it's a style of writing I aspire to create. Very HP lovecraft, who happens to me my favourite author. Thanks for the journey

[Kristin Lee]

I like the way the dialogue flows. It sounds natural. You set the overall tone to be dark, but it's not so dark that it's off putting. I find myself intregued and looking forward to reading more. Good job!

[Daniel Hebert]

This part is very remiscant of Lovecraft, due to the extensive detail. I feel the rest of the story could benifit from this, making it even better than it already is.