If I was

Another "If I" poem

If I was a book
Would you read every page of me?
Staring until your eyes shook
with the utmost intensity?

If I was a canvas
Would you breathe a breath of life into me?
Placing my lines just where
you think they should be.
After, would you pose me on your wall?
for the whole world to see?

If I was a journal
Would you let me in on your deepest secret?
Even if I made no promises
that I could keep it?

If I was me
Would my stories be enough
to keep you close enough to see?
Would my looks be enough
to let whole world know we are we?
Would I be enough of a reason
to trust, to confide, and to never lie?

Author's Note

The last block is still under construction. PLEASE PLEASE let me know what sucks about it. I love as much as the next person being told my writing is awesome but tell me what sucks too! Please

Reviews

[Rita L. Sev]

I like the concept very much - you committed to the idea and stayed with it well. The first three stanzas read pretty smoothly - though some longer lines disrupt the cadence a bit. The last stanza, while it keeps with the theme well, is awkward. Your rhyme falls apart here. Hmmm...

If I was me
Would my stories
be enough for you to see?
Would my looks be enough
to tell the world we are we?
Would I be enough of a reason
to share true intimacy?

Just tossing out some suggestions to tighten up the lines...

Overall, a good write, Daniel!

[Daniel Eckert]

Intimacy!!!! I tried think of a word, that fit my meaning there, while also rhyming, forever! Thank you. I appreciate the constructiveness in this comment; I really do!

[David Scott]

I see a traveler in your writing. A searcher who questions everything and cares about the answer his fellow companions have found.
The "last block" was my favorite. You led me to ask a question myself. How many if us ate actually ourselves? Some might say, "you can only be you". Yet, "if I were me?" is a valid question and an even better challenge to societies norms.
I look forward to reading more of your queries into the person you find yourself being in this time and space.

[Daniel Eckert]

I am glad my inquisitive self comes through in my writing.

If I made you question anything you thought you already knew, I have done my job.

Thank you for the kind words.

[Ashley]

I love this. It doesn't suck. I agree, it does speak to the reader.
Well done!

[Daniel Eckert]

Voice is something I believe I struggle with. Thank you for saying it came through on this one. That means a lot.

[Ashley]

You don't seem to struggle at all. You're very welcome.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

wow, no matter what i was to you, would i be enough?

great analogies used here..."sketch me true blue"

pose this poem on the wall..it really speaks to the reader.

[Daniel Eckert]

As always Jacob your insight is truly valued. Thank you.

[MandaBear]

I dont think it sucks at all. I am not trying to be being nice to be nice I really think it is great. I like the flow and it really makes you think! Great job and I hope no one says it sucks! (because it doesn't)

[Daniel Eckert]

Thank you I appreciate the encouragement.