If I was

Another "If I" poem

If I was a book
Would you read every page of me?
Staring until your eyes shook
with the utmost intensity?

If I was a canvas
Would you breathe a breath of life into me?
Placing my lines just where
you think they should be.
After, would you pose me on your wall?
for the whole world to see?

If I was a journal
Would you let me in on your deepest secret?
Even if I made no promises
that I could keep it?

If I was me
Would my stories be enough
to keep you close enough to see?
Would my looks be enough
to let whole world know we are we?
Would I be enough of a reason
to trust, to confide, and to never lie?

Author's Note

The last block is still under construction. PLEASE PLEASE let me know what sucks about it. I love as much as the next person being told my writing is awesome but tell me what sucks too! Please

Reviews

[Rita L. Sev]

I like the concept very much - you committed to the idea and stayed with it well. The first three stanzas read pretty smoothly - though some longer lines disrupt the cadence a bit. The last stanza, while it keeps with the theme well, is awkward. Your rhyme falls apart here. Hmmm...

If I was me
Would my stories
be enough for you to see?
Would my looks be enough
to tell the world we are we?
Would I be enough of a reason
to share true intimacy?

Just tossing out some suggestions to tighten up the lines...

Overall, a good write, Daniel!

[Daniel Eckert]

Intimacy!!!! I tried think of a word, that fit my meaning there, while also rhyming, forever! Thank you. I appreciate the constructiveness in this comment; I really do!

[Wynter Ignatius]

While I am usually one to keep things raw and emotion filled I can see Rita's point on this one.

Still, a wonderful piece again that I can deeply relate to - reminds me of various people I know and one in particular I am quite close to.

Kudos and keep it up please.

[A. Amos]

This is very sweet and honest poetry nothing to add nothing to change keep it as its, i like your stuff will come back to view more..

[Lourisa]

I like the poem just the way it is. I was thinking really hard about what sucks as I understand it is that kind of critique that make us better poets and writers, but I just like your poem. The imagery is good as is the overall idea. Someone once told me taking a vacation from a piece is all you need to sort out what bothered you about the piece in the first place.

[StarSandwich]

This is great. I like it very much you've stuck to it. I'm jealous, I haven't had a good idea for a poem in so long! So beautifully written.

[Tim Piotrowicz]

overall its beautiful and it made me think

[Libby Carsons]

love the comparisons! in the second stanza with the canvas, i think the flow would be better if you delete the last two lines, or somehow combine them into the regular flow you've created in the first stanza. And as for the unfinished bit, i think something short and simple can tie it nicely together, but other than that, great job!

[Destinyxi]

I literally said 'wow' aloud after I was done reading this. This was such a good read. The title reminded me of a song by Beyonce that goes like 'If I was your girl...' haha. Thanks for sharing. I enjoyed it very much.

[kublakhan27]

Like I said, critiquing is not something I'm good at, because I do believe in letting a writer do his own thing...I only mentioned those things off-hand because you asked for feedback...it doesn't mean they apply specifically to this piece or your general style, I was just offering my own perspective to show another way of looking at things...that doesn't mean I'm trying to influence or look down on yours...if we all had the same perspective on writing, we'd all sound the same.

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

The sentiment here is very beautiful. I like the idea of loving so deeply that we are willing to allow another to write our pages, paint our canvas, pose us for display. I also enjoyed the questioning nature toward the end, which brought back the uncertainty that so often comes along with such deep emotion.

Technically, this was pretty tight...only a few little things I would suggest:

Second stanza:
2nd line--a little too wordy. I would go with "Would you breathe life into me?"
5th line--again, I think you could do without the "After"...just "Would you pose me on you wall(,)/for all the world to see?"

Third stanza:
2nd line--just condense a little for flow and concise thought "Would you reveal your secret" --by taking out "deepest" you avoid the cliche of "deep, dark secret".
3rd line-- "Even if I made no promise" -- just drop the plural on promise, makes the flow better.

Last stanza:
I think that the stanza as a whole is good...you bring everything above together with the questions, but I think you could do without the first line. "If I was me", because that is already implied by asking "would my stories be enough". Also, I would come up with another way to phrase the line "Would my looks be enough"--this just doesn't fit with the rest of the piece, which has some really nice wording--perhaps "Would my appearance be enough"

So, sorry for the long, drawn out review. I wouldn't have taken the time with this one if I didn't think it was actually really great. I think if you tighten things up a little bit, this would be an absolutely stellar write, because it is very emotionally deep and thought provoking.

[Leslie Philibert]

what sucks? very little..., well written, maybe the basic idea is not new, but you present this well !

[Daniel Eckert]

Kind words from a master of words such as yourself are always welcome! Thank you!