The buzzing american dream bee

A poem I wrote thanks to an exercise from my poetry professor.

“Woe is me”
says the buzzing bumble bee
working nonstop so he can feed his family
Wakes up early, suit and tie
“Hey honey, look at the time!”
“gotta go” he replies
“not even a kiss goodbye?”
His kids now awake, wonder, “where is father bee?”
“Off to work with no goodbye,” the mother cries
“Woe is me”
Says the buzzing bumble bee’s family

Author's Note

Other than a college introduction to writing poetry class I have no experience in poetry. I dusted off my poetry book from a few semesters back and did one of it's exercises; this is what the exercise yielded.

Please critique it as harshly as you see fit.

Reviews

[Caesium]

I like the down-to-earth tone in your writing. This may be a strange suggestion, but you should consider submitting something to the NYTimes Modern Love column. I was skeptical when my friend sent me a story from a column titled "Modern Love", as I expected a bunch of corny chick lit (for the record, I'm a girl) but I've read some really great pieces and your writing about relationships and family reminds me of something I might find there.

[Daniel Eckert]

I have been scouring the net for somewhere that takes submissions like that. Thank you for telling me about it. I have a feeling I will be spending a late night tonight drawing something up that meets their length requirement.

Thank you for reading my work and taking the time to comment.

[David Scott]

A fine lesson in priorities. I must admit I was raised with the very "German" idea that work is a sacred blessing. Even king Solomon concludes all is vanity, but that a man has only his work to leave behind as his footprint.
I think the best part about being human is we do not have to live unilaterally. We can learn from the bee, the dog, the sloth, the birds, and all of creation. We do not have to be slaves of conditioned responses.
This subject could not be explored completely in a dissertation, but your poem is excellent fuel for thought!

[Daniel Eckert]

That German way of thinking scares me! I am way too much of a free spirit, a wanderer, a nomad, to focus only on my work. Maybe if I was raised that way I wouldn't be though, I suppose.

Thank you for your time David.

[David Scott]

Ha. I agree. Of course the Germans are historically wanderers too...
Thankfully, I can see beyond my upbringing. I learned some great lessons and I'm learning more and more the benefit of many ways to think and live.
Nobody has a blueprint.

[J_Star]

Wow, kimmer gave you a spanking on this one, ha ha! I actually like it; it illustrates an all-too-common problem with the American dream, which is that the pursuit of it is not all that enjoyable. And what's the point of a dream if it doesn't make your life richer and more meaningful in some way?

[Daniel Eckert]

She did, didn't she? Probably the reason I stepped away from writing the last few months.

Yes a dream should fulfill you not drain you. At least I think so.

Thank you for your kind words on my "too textbookish" poem! haha

[J_Star]

Ah, don't let her scare you away. Her bark's worse than her bite. (you reading this kimmer? ha ha!)

[Sir Jaykom]

Very subtle way to address the idea of a family facing the reality of trying to attain the "american dream".

[Moniba]

:') very very nice. You have no idea how sometimes small words in a simple tone can affect a person.

[Daniel Eckert]

The little things is what makes the world go round. :-D

Thank you again for taking the time read and review my work!

[John]

I think you have a great light comic touch. The poem is enjoyable to read and I think would also be be a very good performance piece.

[Daniel Eckert]

Thank you I was envisioning a little cartoon bee as I wrote this. :-D I appreciate you taking the time to read and review.

[KAOlmsted]

Oh wow...see...this is why I am so grateful I never went to school to "learn" how to write *laugh*

Seriously, though, the concept is spot-on...busy bees, no time for family, woe is me...great stuff. The execution is probably text book perfect, which is probably why I'm not 100% in love with it ;-) A small piece of advice from a self-taught writer? Write from the gut, write from the heart, write from the f*****g dick if that's what it takes, but please...I am begging you...please (on my knees here) never ever write from a text book exercise again *laugh* Too much head in it (and not the good kind *winkwink*) Too much thinking, "Is this right?" Just...write, dude. Just f*****g write.

Too harsh? *laugh* Nah...just harsh enough ;-)
-kimmer

[Daniel Eckert]

"Just...write, dude. Just f*****g write."

The way this is spaced I can see you, (maybe not exactly you, but a person playing you in my head) the body language, the facial expressions, the space in-between the first three words followed by the next three said continuously, everything. You have an excellent voice and an excellent writing style which portrays your voice in a phenomenal way.

Some of weren't born with pen in hand. So learning from other excellent writers at a school, in a house, or over the inter-webs is the way we try to improve.

No not too harsh. We need our writing, at least I do, to be put down when they aren't great.

[KAOlmsted]

HA! :-D Thanks for not blocking me ;-)

Yeah, I learned poetry *coughcough* years ago, back when I was a teenager, from reading Ginsberg, Bukowski, Burroughs...I learned how to write novels just by reading them--and every day I learn something new. We all strive to improve, and that's why we're here (WC on the Interwebs, that is *laugh*) I look forward to seeing your progress in poetry, if that is something you are working toward. I have yet to see the stories you have posted, but that has everything to do with time constraints and nothing to do with lack of interest ;-)

I thrive on constructive criticism...anyone who doesn't is too stupid to know they need it.

-kimmer

[WingsToFly]

Nice poem. Liked you writing style

[Daniel Eckert]

Thank you for taking the time to read and review it. Compliments on my writing style from a poet with skills as great as yours means a lot.

[.]

~ wow... i wish i could write powerful social commentary as effortlessly as you do... ~ though i'm from a different nation, it's much the same here... the urban middle class is in a spin... family life is getting axed... at some level, i think we don't choose the pursuit of excellence in human relationships...we (as a society not individually) choose materialism...but this is just my perspective...

[Daniel Eckert]

We do chose materialism. Have you read Tuesdays With Morrie by Mitch Alborn? It is an extraordinary book about just that. If social commentary is something you enjoy reading about it might be worth it to check it out.

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment!