Hidden

I hide myself

Every minute,
Every hour,
Every day.

It's become a habit, 
A reflex
An involuntary reaction
From a ghost whose name I don't know.
Maybe if I did, I wouldn't always want to be so small.

Someone asks how I am.
I immediately reply: Doing good!
Proper grammar is pretentious, right?
"We can't have that. Be smaller,
Hide your intelligence."

I was blessed with a gift from God or nature.
A voice worth cherishing, worth nurturing
And yet I hate it.
I feel shackled to it.
If I were to free it, people would notice me
"That's bad, 
Tamp it down."

I believe I speak to much;
Ask too many questions,
Seek too many answers.
People surely grow tired of hearing me.
"Forget it, someone else will ask.
Let them be heard. 
You've spoken enough."

I write -
Poetry, prose, music -
But I trust none of it.
If I could produce it, how could it be worthwhile?
What gives me the right to even try?
"Shed these delusions of grandeur,
No one wants to hear you."

I feel.
Deeply, wildly.
I am impassioned about the strangest, silliest,
Most beautiful things.
It's who I am, but I fear it.
"No one cares how you feel.
Be normal."

I hide
It's what I've learned
It's what I'm good at.
But I don't hide my mistakes

I extol my failures.
I announce my errors,
Feign stupidity, ignorance.
If I appear to be a jester
Who will fear me?

It's better to be loved than feared.
It's better to be loved than respected.
It's better to be loved than understood.

I hide.
Never more relieved than when
I have to look up to speak to someone.
It makes me feel small.
I like that.

If I am small, I can hide.
If I hide, I will be safe.
A light that refuses to shine can't blind anyone.
If I hide, everyone will be safe.

Reviews

[Evita]

I wonder how many of us feel like this? I definitely don't think I am smart enough to go about hiding my intellect, but I do often temper my verbosity (lol), in most all company. We are such a casual generation, it is best to adopt the lingo of the times. Sometimes I wish I lived in like 19th c. England so people would speak well and prettily. Ah alas...

I too like to blend in and go unnoticed, not draw attention to myself. But I think that comes from some deep seated childhood fears of insecurity and low self-worth. Because at the same time, I live half in a fantasy world where I am a hot-shot.

I am always seeking acceptance and approval from the most number of people. It is something I find difficult to control and I really hate that inability to be totally confident and make my fantasy self my real self.

Overall, this poem--obviously--touched a lot of notes with me! I don't know whether to be sad or happy ...