Knots

I feel it again.
The knot in my stomach
Whenever I might see her.
Whenever I might be near her.

It's the worst feeling in the world
And yet, it's the best.
It's a reminder that I can hope,
That I can want another person so desperately to be close to me,
Even if nothing in the world scares me more.

Conversation flows like a kinked hose
Nothing for minutes, hours, days
Then gallons spill out
Once I stop tamping myself down.
How much is too much? Too little?
F**k if I know.

My only hope is that my gawkiness is endearing
That she knows my quirks are for being too invested
That my silences are for being too scared.
Not that I don't wish to tell her everything about me.
Not that I am incapable of interacting with other human beings.
I only have those problems with her.

She scares me
She can hurt me.
I've been hurt.
I'm still hurt.
Perhaps I'll always be hurt.

But, she's just as likely to heal me.
Maybe she won't drive the knife further in.
Maybe she'll dress my wounds instead.
That might be nice,
It doesn't make me less afraid.

She passes by
And my brain screams these thoughts at me,
All at once.
It takes all of my strength to conjure a smile,
To show her how glad I am to see her,
To hide how much she terrifies me,
At least, until I'm ready to show her that, too.

Reviews

[Saruwa]

A feeling I know too well, this poem puts those hard to express feelings to words. Great job!