7 Poems

I.

More than 2 years
More than 800 days
More than we were together.
When will it end?

I am in love.
Not with you,
But with us.
How I felt.
What it meant.
What I thought I could do.
If you needed me to fly, I swear I could have.
Then, like a car into a brick wall, it slammed to a halt.
I, the crash test dummy, was flung through the windshield.
Somehow, you emerged unscathed.

You are stronger than me.
You are better than me.

II.

I hear you gave yourself to someone.
Not to a lover,
To a man, like any other man.
Not one who loved you.
Not one who would give himself to you, too.

Not me.

III.

I bloody myself.
I punish myself
Since I cannot punish you
Since I do not wish to punish you.
I don't think...

Yet, would I bloody you?
Would I punish you, if given the chance?
My barbarian says yes.
I have caged him.
He will not hurt you.
But,
Perhaps I lie.
Like you lied.

IV.

You told me you were saving yourself for a man who would give you a band of gold

But you lied, dear, didn't you?

You told me I was beautiful.
You told me I might,
I could
Take you.
That our love was so strong as to sway us from our inhibitions
That we would be one, not because of base lust
But because our love was too strong to express with just our mouths
Because our bodies needed to have their say.

But you lied, dear, didn't you?

You told me you couldn't go on
Without me beside you
In your room
In your bed
In your heart

But you lied, dear, didn't you?

And I see, now, what you have done
Why you were the worst mistake of my young life.
You have awakened a beast in me
Something I fear
Something I told myself I would never become.

But I lied, dear, didn't I?

V.

You were always the beautiful one
I, the wretched
No room for me in this world.

No room for me in any world.

And yet, it was I who feared you.
It was I who has horrified when you told me you felt the same.
It was I who hid, to save myself and others from that monster.
How could that monster be me?

But I am that monster.
An abomination
Too ugly to take what you would give to another.

Love is blind
Lust is not.

VI.

So, my world is shattered, and congratulations are in order.
You have broken me again with such skill.
But you'll never know.
You, to whom I gave more of myself than any other.
To whom I can now give nothing.
My lifeline
Severed
My corpse drifts.
No one could save it.

The one who could,
Forsook it.

VII.

800 days and you still sting me like that night.
The night I unmade my worst choice.
The night I changed forever.
The night my heart went dark.
The night I became alone.