The Fiery Risky Business of Master Bank-Man

This is an Allegorical Tale of Humanity's smoldering National and Global Economic Wildfire.

This an Allegorical Tale of Humanity’s smoldering Global Economic Wildfire.

 

“Now, during today’s lessons, what have We derived from derivatives, Master Bank-Man ?

“Aw, Mother ! Do I really have to regurgitate all of this gobblety-goop all over again ?”

“Please, answer my question young Master Bank-Man. What have We derived from derivatives ?”

“Well, derivatives are a sequence of statements (as in logic or mathematics) showing that a result is a necessary consequence of previously accepted statements,” sighed Master Bank-Man.

“Yes, yes, go on. Why is knowing that definition important, especially when applied to Economics ?

“Because the existence of derivatives allows me to Gamble as much as I want to without constraints or restraints, because We Bank-Man’s are too big to fail. Because, we’re too big to fail, the Middle-Poor Taxpayers will always have to bail out We Bank-Man’s in order to save their own Economies. It’s a symbiotic relationship that We can always count on because We own most of the politicians and judicature. We are the Rulers of the World, but We must never admit to that fact or brag about it, because the Middle-Poor Taxpayers and Sheeple/People of the Nations - of the World - would want to change Our Arrangement.”

“Excellent, young Master Bank-Man. Lessons well learned. Now, You may go out to Play while I prepare lunch.”

“Yes, Mother.”

With that, young Master Bank-Man ran out into the backyard to Play.

“Let’s see, what can I experiment with in order to create my own Derivative,” Master Bank-Man said, rubbing his hands together in expectation.

A few minutes later, Mother Bank-Man sniffed at something in the air, “Umm, I smell smoke.”

She looked out of the kitchen window and dropped a glass in alarm. As the glass shattered against the floor, she ran to the back door and threw it open.

“Young Master Bank-Man ! What are you doing with those matches ? Why do you have Our dog, Timmy, tied to that tree ? Why is all of that deadwood piled up all around Timmy ? What are you doing ?”

“I’m Betting on and Testing-out a Derivative Statement, Mother Bank-Man. I’m Gambling on the theoretical scientific and mathematical hypothesis that I can start a fire using no more than ten of the matches in Daddy Bank-Man‘s match box, and one squirt of lighter fluid from Daddy Bank-Man’s metal container upon the deadwood I have collected and placed around this tree upon which I have tied, Timmy, our Faithful Family Dog. And save Timmy, before he catches fire,” Master Bank-Man happily explained.

“You what ? What is all of this about?”

“I’m Experimenting with a Derivative Statement,” Master Bank-Man answered impatiently. “I’m hedging my bet on Timmy’s safety. I’m putting in all of my, and Daddy Bank-Man’s, Private Equity - these ten matches, and this container of Lighter fluid, and this large tree with Timmy tied upon it, and taking a Risk, Mother Bank-Man. You told me that the bigger the Risk the bigger the Profit. The bigger the Pay-off. The bigger the Adrenaline Rush. The bigger the Power Boost that follows. I’m simply doing what all Good Bank-Man’s do !”

“But, but, but….”

“No buts, Mother Bank-Man. I’m taking this Derivative Risk. I’ve made up my mind. I want to be a successful, profitable, paid-offable, adrenaline-rush filled, power boosted Bank-Man !”

With that, Master Bank-Man tossed another flaming match upon the deadwood.

Timmy, the faithful family dog, sensing that something was amiss, began to howl and squirm.

“Hush now, Timmy. This is a Risk worth Taking. Just you wait ! This is Bank-Man History worth Making !”

The deadwood around Timmy, the Faithful Family Dog, and the tree he was tied upon, whooshed into flame.

Mater Bank-Man staggered backward a few steps, and stood frozen. His Fear of the fire he had derived was too great. “Oh, what have I done ? I’ve been so stupid. I didn’t vet this well enough. I didn’t calculate this well enough. I didn’t monitor this well enough ! Gambling with the lives of Others is just stupid, Risky Business !”

Mother Bank-Man fainted and tumbled down the back porch steps.

“Uh-oh ! Mother ! Mother Bank-Man,” yelled Master Bank-Man, running toward his fallen Mother Bank-Man. “Wake up, Mother Bank-Man ! Wake up ! Master Bank-Man is in desperate need of a Bail-out !”

Timmy, the Faithful Family Dog, wriggled free from the rope he had been entangled in by Master Bank-Man, and, never looking back, ran away as fast as his furry little legs would carry him. He had become just another homeless runaway algorithm.

Meanwhile, next door, Neighbors Tea and Party Corporation were lounging in their new chaise lounge chairs.

Tea Corporation turned to his wife, Party Corporation, and asked, “Do you smell something burning ? Are the Bank-Man’s having a barbeque ?

“Heavens, Tea. Look at the Bank-Man’s backyard tree. It’s aflame, and setting fire to the roof of the Bank-Mans House ! Quick, call out the Middle-Poor Taxpayer Brigade and tell them to make sure that they’ve got enough Water in their coffers with which to Bail-out the Bank-Man’s Worldly Possessions!”

“I hear the sirens now, dear.”

“Good, Tea. Now, we can sit back and relax. The Middle-Poor Taxpayer Brigade will Bail them out. Its none of Our affair. We have more important things to attend to.”

“And what would that be , dear ?”

“Why the Moguls and Elites are coming over for a Game of Monopoly, Tea. How could you forget ?”

“How, indeed, my dear ? How, indeed ? Tea mumbled under his breath. “What if the fire takes hold throughout the Neighborhood ? What if our House catches fire ?”

“We’re insured by the Middle-Poor Taxpayer Brigade as well, my dear. And we’re Stockholders in the Insurance Corporation covering Our Home and the rest of the Neighborhood. We’re in a Win-Win situation, dear. Not to worry.” Party Corporation cooed. “Now, where is that Monopoly Game ? I’m ready to Roll the Dice, Take a Chance and let the Derivative Chips plop where they may ! I feel Lady Luck is with me today !”

Tea stood quietly staring at the encroaching fire.

“Tea, don’t you want to Play Monopoly with the Moguls and the Elites ? They’re counting on us, dear.”

“Yes, yes, Party. I don’t want to disappoint the Moguls and the Elites. There’s never a good pay-off in disappointing them. It’s just that I sometimes tire of your always changing the Rules of the Game to suit your own needs and wants, dear. It’s most irritating and tiresome.”

“Why, Tea Corporation, of course, I will change the Rules of the Game as I see fit. You know I don’t believe in Regulations. They’re too confining. They make the Game so boring - so safe - so predictable. I’ll always want and work to bend the Rules,” Party grinned wolfishly. “It’s my Nature. I’m a Free-wheeling Enterprise. I’m a Corporation !” She added with unabashed pride.

“Party, our new chaise lounge chairs are on fire, dear. I fear the House will be next.”

“Oh dear !” Party exclaimed. “Let’s gather the Monopoly Game and head on over to the Moguls and Elites Neighborhood. I’m sure they won’t mind. And we’ll be safe and Profitably taken care of, Tea.”

“Yes, dear, I’m sure you’re right.”

“Why, of course, I’m right, Tea. I’m a Corporation !”

With that, the Corporations backed their Hedge-Fund Car out of their smoky Private Equity garage. Spotting Mother Bank-Man and Master Bank-Man in their front yard, Tea and Party Corporation offered the Bank-Man’s a ride away from the devastating chaos from which they had derived, and slowly drove past the flashing lights and sirens toward the Neighborhood of the Moguls and the Elites. Leaving the fiery fallout, destruction, pain and suffering, difficult and lengthy clean-up and rebuilding to the busy Middle-Poor Taxpayer Brigade.