A Very Scary "Good Hair" Pairy

A Tall Texas tale elucidating Governor Tricky Ricky "Good Hair" Pairy.

 

 

This is a Tall Texas tale………………

“C’mon, Billy Bob. Lend me your comb. Never know when those media mongrels are gonna be snappin’ pictures or rollin’ film.”

Billy Bob flipped his red, white and blue comb out of his back pants pocket, and handed it over to Governor Tricky Ricky, ‘Good Hair’ Pairy.

“The press and my Fans expect to see me with Good Hair. Can’t have them seein’ me winded and wind blown, now can we ? That would be Very Scary, indeed. That would be like bein’ caught with my pants down around my ankles. Ha, ha !

“However, that might work to my benefit ‘cause then the votin’ public would really see what a man with a real Pair of Cajones looks like. They’d get a better idea of why and how I earned the moniker Tricky Ricky Pairy. Ha, ha !

“That’s a good one, Governor Pairy. Perhaps, you’re right, sir. You’ve got a hard run in front of you. It might work to your benefit to be perceived as a Very Scary, “Good Hair” Pairy. Ha, ha !

“That’s right, Billy Bob. The press and my Fans need to see me as a well put together John Wayne. A Man of the People, with Good Hair, who knows how to shoot from the hip when necessary. “

Tricky Ricky Pairy stared into a full length mirror, and pretended to pull a gun out of an imaginary hip holster, shoot it, and blow away imaginary smoke curling from the end of its imaginary barrel. “Dang it ! I shook a strand of my Hair loose. Where’s that can of hair spray, Billie Bob ?”

“Right here, sir. I keep it in my red, white and blue travel bag.” Billy Bob handed Governor Pairy the aerosol can of Hair spray.

“Those Global Warmin’ lunatics would have a caniption fit over this can of aerosol spray. That bunch of crazies would claim that I was tearin’ up the ozone layer, and bringing the Earth’s temperature up a couple of notches with every squirt from this stupid little can of poison. Ha, ha !”

“Extra, extra ! Read all about it !” Billy Bob guffawed.

Governor ‘Good Hair” Pairy handed the depleted can of Hair spray back to Billy Bob. “Now, let’s get down to brass tacks. I’m worried about this ridiculous woman who wants to sue me and the USB.”

“The USB ?”

“Yes, the USB. You know that European Banc that bought up the funds we hedged belongin’ to the Texas Teachers Retirement system.”

“What was the Hedge Bet we and USB placed on the funds, Governor Pairy ?” Billy Bob queried.

“How quick the Retired Teachers would die.”

“Really, sir ?”

“Yes, really. Why, you can’t make a safer Bet. Time passes, old folks die. It’s a fact of Life. Sooner or later, old folks die. We were just hopin’ that they would die sooner rather than later. Because that’s money in Our pockets. My pockets, my supporters pockets, and USB’s pockets. Just call us Casino Royale, where bettin’ and hopin’ for the quick demise of someone else are the Name of the Game. Thank heavens for Insurance Actuaries, and the Roll of the Dice ! Ha, ha !”

“Life’s full of Winners and Losers. We just stack the deck in Our favor every Chance we get to make sure We’re the Winners ! Ha, ha !”

“Anyway, it seemed like a sure Bet, and a good idea at the time. But now that the deed’s put out into the Light of Public Scrutiny, I’m not so sure.”

“You know, I have to be careful. Some folks in Texas see me as a Flip-Flop, Flim-Flam Con Man.”

“How so, sir ?”

“I started out as a Democrat, but when I saw that the State (especially the Wealthy and Corporate Heads) was becoming’ Republican. I flipped and became Republican. I’m a Man who stays ahead of the Crowd - ahead of the Times, Billy Bob. I do what I have to do, and say what I need to say to Win. That’s what successful politicians do.”

“Just like when I first ran for Governor, and swore up and down that I’d establish Term Limits on everyone in Politics in the State of Texas, including’ the Governorship.”

“Why didn’t you, Governor Pairy ? That’s one of the main issues of concern by many Tea Party members.

“Don’t be a Fool, boy ! Why would I limit my own Power ? I like bein’ Governor. I like the Attention, the Power, the Money. Why would I - why would anyone give all of that up ?”

“Oh yeah, that’s understandable, sir. Of course, you wouldn’t do that. No one in their Right mind would do that.”

“Darn tootin’ they wouldn’t ! Why, the more Wealthy Donators I could make my Friends, and do Special Favors for, and make Money for doin’ their Special Projects in Texas, the Wealthier and more Powerful I became. Why would I give any of that up ? It’s hard work to produce all of those Under-the-Table Deals on the sly.”

“And now, I’m ready and hungry for the White House. Thanks to the Global Bildeberg Group.”

“Yeah, they sure changed the momentum of things, sir.”

“You bet they did. They saw how I tried to mandate those shots to keep young girls from getting’ cancer related to sexual activity in the state of Texas. Shots introduced by the pharmaceutical company I had financial interests in.”

“Boy, I hated that the media got wind of that. They sure spoiled what could have been a very sweet and lucrative deal for me and my Friends.”

“But that aside, the B Group also saw how I promoted more and more toll roads in Texas, in spite of Citizens arguin’ with me until they were blue in the face about its bein’ Double Taxation. Those ‘ole toll roads have brought in a lot more money than I or any of my Friends expected them to. Money that has certainly come in handy. Ha, ha !

“Why get the Citizen’s dander up with higher taxes when you can make more money off of toll roads in the long run. Ha, ha Besides the Taxpayers have been payin’ my Salary for a number of years since I’m a Career Politician. Their Tax monies have helped to make me Who and What I am to this day.”

“The B Group saw how I , and the Republican led Texas legi-slay-tors, finagled the Texas Taxpayers out of 25 million dollars in order to pay a private individual in Europe to allow the Formula One races to come to Texas. We accomplished that in the Texas Congress so that my cronies (and possibly I) can make a mint off of those very same gullible Taxpayers, we bilked out of the original 25 million bucks, when they pay us even more of their hard earned cash to come watch the F1 Races, eat Our popcorn and hotdogs and drink Our soda pops and beer.”

“And we accomplished all of this while slashing the educational budget to the bone and gettin’ rid of hundreds of teachers, police, and firefighters jobs. Ha, ha ! Now, is that brilliant or what ?”

“And then there’s that nuclear waste dump I’m puttin’ out in West Texas. I shoved that Special Project through for one of my contributors because it’ll make the state of Texas, my contributor and me, a bucket load of money.”
“Yes sir, I remember that Special Project. What a fight you had on your hands. Especially since it’ll be located above an underground aquifer area. Boy, the folks in that county really put up a fight.”

“I love a good fight ! Bring it on ! That’s my motto ! Nothin’ stands between me and makin’ a Profit ! Heck, I’m the American Dream personified !”

“What’s not to like about me ? I even fired up the Tea Party by tellin’ them that I understood why they would want to Secede from the United States, and that Bernanke is treasonous if he prints up any more money out of that Treasury of his.“

“I do everything I can for large Corporations, Banks and the Wealthy. Heck, they’re my primary Contributors. I know who butters my bread. And it’s not the Middle Class and the Poor. I know who’ll buy and cajole my way to the Presidency.”

“Heck, my mama didn’t raise no Fool !”

“I’m chargin’ full steam ahead for the White House. It’s nothing’ but a Country Club, and I know how to Play by Country Club Rules.”

“Most importantly, Billy Bob, God’s Hand is upon me. Why I’m practically Christian of the Year.”

“Praise the Lord ! I say, Praise the Lord, boy ! I never use the Lord’s name in vain, Billy Bob. I always use the Lord’s name to my full advantage.”

“ In fact, I’m leanin’ toward the possibilities of a Theocratic philosophy that includes smaller government (although I have created quite a number of new government jobs since I entered office), fewer laws (unless I decide to create more new laws for my Cronies so that they can get some of their Special Projects underway, as I have done in the past), and greater Freedoms (unless you’re a woman requesting an abortion for any reason or a homosexual).”

“Um, excuse me, sir. But what do any of those things have to do with Christianity ?”

“Why everything, Billy Bob. Everything. You gotta keep your eye on the ball, boy. The bigger picture.”

“The bigger picture, sir ?”

“That’s right, son, the Bigger Picture. In fact, to drive my point home even more, here’s another interesting fact for you to ponder upon. Do you know what some Scientists say about homosexuals ? You won’t believe it, and it only further proves my views about the phony Science behind Global Warming and Pollution ?”

“No sir, can’t say that I do. Are homosexuality, Global Warming and pollution somehow interconnected, sir ?”

“I may only be a C - (minus) student in Animal Husbandry from Texas A and M University, but even I know that this theory of their’s is outright horse-pucky.”

“Everyone knows that the Bible is The Word of God. It is the Book of Truth. And that the Truth about the Earth is that it is ruled by Natural Laws.”

“The Bible says that, sir ?”

“It’s in there somewhere, son. Will you stop interruptin’ me, boy ? It’s gettin’ very annoyin’.”

“Yes, sir. Please, forgive my questioning you, sir.”

“Well, some crazy Scientists say that homosexuality has always existed in the genetic makeup of the Human Species. In fact, in almost every species.”

“It appears that these Scientists Think that homosexuality is just one of Nature’s Natural Laws that keeps a Species from over populating and overrunning the Earth, and all other Species. They claim that homosexuals are a Natural Over-Population Safeguard. Have you ever heard anything so ridiculous ? “

“Well sir, I’ll have to go along with you. Anyway, there’s no way that idea would go along with Our views of Creationism.”

“Amen, Brother Billy Bob. Amen. God Created the World in six days and rested on the seventh. How does Evolution fit into that Time Table ?”

“Well, sir. Evolution takes place during various Time frames depending…..”

“You’re interrupting me again, boy. And I’m gol danged tired of it !”

“Sorry, sir.”

“Anyway, the Teachers of Creationism will debunk this outrageous theory about homosexuality as no more than a bunch of garbage . Because God made Adam and removed one of Adam’s ribs to make Eve to be Adam’s companion and help-mate. Ba-boom ! End of story !”

“But sir, in earlier Biblical accounts and ancient writings, not included within the King James version, Lilith was the First Woman. When she decided to leave Adam, because she didn’t want to be subservient to him, Adam complained to God, and that‘s when God made Eve….”

“What ?” “Good Hair’ Pairy interrupted. “Where in the World did you get that poppy-c**k ?

“Well, sir, I took a course at the University exploring World Religions and Religious Texts…”

“What ?” “Good Hair” Pairy interrupted again. “World Religions ?! Other Religious Texts ?! What in tarnation is wrong with you, boy ? There is only one Religion and one Bible that counts . You better get your head screwed on Right, son. I won’t have talk like that on the campaign trail. It will sink our ship. There’s Adam - his Rib and Eve. That’s it. That’s all. End of Story. Got it ?”

“Got it, Massah - I mean Boss - I mean Governor. Yes sir, Adam’s Rib and Eve. Anyway, She was the first to take a Bite out of the Apple, and we all know how that screwed up the Garden of Eden.”

“You’re darn tootin’, Billy Bob. Just see to it that you don’t Bite into that Apple , son. Remember, Adam and Eve got chased out of the Garden because of it.”

“See to it that you’re not following’ right behind ’em. You git my drift ?”

“Yes sir. Loud and clear, sir.”

“Anyway, there’s one Natural Law I believe in above all others.”

“What’s that, sir ?”

“It’s a Dog Eat Dog - Coyote Eat Coyote (unless you can shoot ’em while you’re out joggin’) World we live in, Billy Boy. Do unto Others, before they do unto you.”

“Eat or be Eaten. That’s Nature’s Number One Law. Not mine, but Nature’s. Understand it. Abide by it. If you don’t it’ll come up and Bite ya !” Ha, ha !

“Why do you think I wrote my book FED Up ! ? Ha, ha ! If you don’t get with the plan, Billy Boy, you get FED Up to the Big Domestic Dogs - the Big Wild Coyotes.” Ha, ha !

“Remember, Billy Boy, Coyotes are Tricksters. They don’t call me Tricky Ricky Pairy for nothin’”

“Yes sir, I’ll be sure to Remember that. Especially come Election Day.”

Respectfully,

Leah Sellers
Liberty Hill, Texas