Wanna Feel Safe ? Pass an Open-Carry Rattlesnake Law !

Texas citizens amusingly struggle over the pros and cons of Open-Carry weapons laws.

 

“What’s Sam doin’ with a gun holster strapped to his hip ?  You know Hannibal, he’s the only hombre I know who still wears janglin’ spurs everywhere.”  Jethro spit a wad of chewing tobacco juice into his Dixie cup before waving to his friend, Sam.

 

“I don’t know, Jethro.  Why don’t you ask him ?”  Hannibal grinned sarcastically.

 

“Smarty pants.  I will.  Hey, Sam, the law says Texans can only carry Concealed weapons.  What are you doin’ outfitted like Wyatt Earp ?

 

“Howdy, Jethro.  Howdy, Hannibal.  Well, boys the Texas state legislature is reconsiderin’ an Open-Carry law.  Just thought I’d start practicing’ now.  A feller wants to look as though he knows his business, if you git my drift.  Never know when you‘ll have to start firin‘ away at someone.  We live in a dangerous and unpredictable world.”  He gave a knowing wink to his two friends.

 

“Sam, what’s that writhin’ around inside your hip holster ?”  Jethro asked while backin’ up a couple of paces.

 

“A rattlesnake.  A Texas diamond back Rattler to be exact, boys,”  Sam announced proudly.

 

“You got his safety hood on, Sam ?”  Jethro asked nervously.

 

“Why no.  A feller’s gotta be ready at a moment's notice.  That ‘ole safety hood would just git in the way.  Just slow me down.”  Sam frowned.

 

“I don’t know as I agree with this Open-Carryin’ Rattlesnake law, Sam.  Concealin’ those twistin’ varmints is hard enough.  Mine kept gittin’ loose in my ole pick-up, when I had to make a few quick stops to avoid hittin’ a deer or two.  That sucker bit clear through the back of my boot twice,”  Jethro declared.

 

“Lucky, I was in my truck.  I drove myself straight to the emergency room at the hospital just in the nick of time.”

 

“The doc loaded me up with anti-toxin, and told me flat out that he was against the Concealed Rattlesnake law.  Said he was tired of always havin’ to save folks from the bites of the rattlers that were supposed to be keepin’ them safe from others meanin’ to do them harm.”

 

“Doc said the people carryin’ Concealed Rattlesnakes for protection were doin’ irreparable harm to themselves and to Society as a whole.  Said it was all just plain foolishness, and people lettin’ fear git the best of ‘em.”

 

Wonder what ’ole Doc thinks about this new Open-Carry law ?  Ha, ha !  Bet he’s fit to be tied,”  Jethro guffawed.

 

“That’s nothin’,”  Hannibal cut in.  “There’s a fella’ I know who walked into a convenience store that was bein’ robbed.  Seems the store was filled with Concealed Rattlesnake carriers.”

 

“Problem was, with all of the yellin’ and confusin’ commotion.  No one could tell right away who the robber fella’ was.”

 

“They all whipped out their Rattlers, and stood starin’ at one another.  Tryin’ to figure out who was who.”

 

“When, all of a sudden, one of the fella’s Rattlers got a little Fang Happy, and commenced to havin’ a hissy-fit.  The varmint was coilin’, and twistin’ and spittin’ ever which a way.  And then out‘a nowhere just started to Fang away.’

 

“Next thing anybody recollects is rattlers whippin’, poppin’, hissin’, spittin and Fangin' here, there and everywhere.  Fangin’ everything in sight.”

 

“Lickety-split !  Within five minutes, more or less, there was nothin’ left but a store full of corpses.  Venom was everywhere.  All over the counters of food, the walls, the ceilin’, the floor.”

 

“Yep, everyone of those fine upstanding’ citizens, including’ the store clerk, was stone cold dead.  All but the robber.  Seems he ran screamin’ bloody murder out of the store drippin’ in snake’s venom, but not one bite on him.  Lucky cuss.”  Hannibal surmised.
“Never did ketch ‘im.”

 

“I don’t know, Sam.  It’d sure make me awful nervous walkin’ into a room full of those squirmin’ varmints tucked away inside of a bunch of strangers hip holsters,” admitted Hanibal, shakin’ his head from side-to-side.  “Mighty nervous.”

 

“Don’t know as I’d stick around.  I’d probably decide to shop elsewhere.  Some place peaceful like,”  Hannibal announced.

 

“Just think of it, boys,”  Hannibal continued.  “All of those well intentioned citizens - just tryin’ to help a neighbor in distress - fanged to death.  Even kilt the store clerk they were tryin’ to help.  And the robber that caused the whole mess got clean away.  Life just isn’t fair sometimes.”

 

“You got that right.” Sam agreed.  “That’s why I’m getting’ me a two-headed Rattler.  Twice the fire power - ha !  No matter what,  I’ll always be the last man standin’!”

 

“Uh, Sam, that snake in your holster is makin’ me a little fidgety.  He’s starin’ right at me, and his forked tongue is just a flickin’, and his tail is just a rattlin’, Jethro whispered hoarsely.

 

Jethro, I’m a well trained Shooter with a well trained Rattler,” Sam boasted harshly.

 

“A Rattler without its safety hood on,”  Jethro added.

 

“Be that as it may,”  Sam snapped.  “It’s the evil intentions of people that kill.  Not well trained Rattlers, themselves. 

 

“I don’t know about that, Sam.  That Rattler looks mighty interested in zappin’ me.  Look at the way that varmint’s coilin’ up in your holster.  Looks to me like he’s gettin’ ready to strike, “ Jethro exclaimed as he, and Hannibal, backed away from Sam two more paces.

 

“My Rattler obeys my command, Jethro.  My pull of his trigger.  I’m in total control of this here situation,”  Sam growled.

 

“You sound just like one of those gol durned liberals,”  Sam accused.  “Always whinin’ about how dangerous Rattlesnakes are.  How unpredictable their natures, and the natures of human bein’s are.  How lethal their venom is.  How many accidental bitin’s and murders take place every minute of every day due to the meanness and fear-based reactions of other human bein’s.”

 

Whip, pop, pop, hiss, psst, psst !

 

“Gol dang it !  Sam shouted while dancin’ and hoppin’ up and down.  “That varmint Rattlesnake just bit my big toe.  Went plum through my boot.  I didn’t realize I was squeezin’ him so hard !”

 

“Sam, be still !  Be still !  Hannibal shouted in return.  “All that dancin’ and yellin’ is sendin’ that critter’s venom straight to your heart, pard !  You gotta’ calm down !

 

“You calm down, you idiot !”  Sam hollered.  “This gol danged side-winder has crawled out of my holster and is still tryin’ to take a plug oughta’ me !

 

“What did you do with the Rattler’s safety hood ?”  Jethro demanded.

 

“It’s back inside the truck somewhere,”  Sam said breathlessly, still dancin’ and jiggin’ out of the Rattlers reach.

 

“There’s nothin’ meaner than a snake.  Particularly a Rattler that’s all riled up, like this one is.”  Hannibal interjected.

 

“Look fella’s !  It’s slitherin’ away.  It’s headed for that underbrush over there“  Jethro pointed to the brush behind his two friends.

 

“Let’s git Sam to the truck quick, Hannibal.  The quicker we git him to the hospital down the road the better.”

 

“You got that right, Jethro,” Hannibal rasped.  “Sam, you weigh a ton, but we’ll git you to the truck if we have to drag you all the way.”

 

“Thanks, boys,”  Sam smiled weakly.

 

“Tell you what all this goin’s on has taught me, Hannival,”  Jethro huffed.  Life is too short to git all fanged up over some crazy idea about safety that isn’t safe at all.”

 

“Rattlers are unpredictable and the people messin’ with ‘em are unpredictable.  That’s way too much unpredictability for me.  No disrespect intended, Sam, but I don’t call that good odds for bein' safe and secure.  Not good odds at all. 

 

 

 

 

Reviews

[Karolina S.]

Ha, I love it! Very funny.