Light Pollution

A poem for those who just want to stop for a moment.

The things I do to feel alive

May look like death to others.

My soul comingles with the stars,

My flesh stays wrapped in covers.

Peace has no incentive

In a world defined by greed.

Fulfillment's a distraction

From what they say we need.

These people move like lightning's flash.

They hop objectives without end.

I want to lay, my heart and you,

To gaze at you and look within.

Help me to forget the finish line.

If you can, the whole damn race.

I want, with you, to spurn perfection.

Take my hand, let's fall from grace.

Can you feel the stars yet, dear?

Let us dance among the cosmic dust.

Those fools, with all their light pollution,

Could simply never fly with us.

But still they judge and still they jeer.

They say we should be down to earth.

But I can't stomach walking here

Until I cross the starways first.

The air is still when we let it be:

When not sprinting into wind.

The five-year plan of peaceful people

Is to simply breathe it in.

Come smell the subtleties with me.

I know it's all you want to do.

This world, which reeks of gas and tears,

Can smell like roses, too.

Author's Note

I'm worried it feels kind of disjointed. Didja think so?

Reviews

[John the Baptist]

Nicely rhymed offering here. I get the sense of one who wants more than the ratrace that life can become. The speaker impresses as someone who values more than the 9 to 5, same old same old struggle to get materially ahead. I feel the same way, and I feel we can get more out of life if we learn to go within.

[Earthrise]

Thank you, John. Your insight is spot on, and I appreciate you taking the time to read my piece.

[Einstein Noodle]

first... welcome to the Cafe' ... and about your About Me! i am happy to share the pain .. luv on ya Ms. Earthrise ... mmmmm i don't find this poem disjointed at all .. your theme is strong and held all the way through .. i think the social commentary is important and who can deny it .. i might take issue with the "wisdom" in "...falling from grace" ;) but that is just me .. i live by Faith and when i fall from it .. struggle to get back to it :))))))) i think there are a lot of subtle intricacies in and between the lines .. really makes me think to relate .. which i can .. for instance ..V1 L4 .. she stays wrapped in covers .. i think that is beautiful in its pain and disillusionment .. we need that kind of comfort from time to time .. pity a child who can conjure no such memories from their childhood ... nice to meet you .. i am
E.

[emipoemi]

If by disjointed, you mean the flow is a tad off in a couple of places, then yes, but overall: this is poem of brilliance! The way you crafted the mechanical hustle and bustle for greed and fulfillment without attention to the real luxuries of life is stupendous, and your rhymes pack that extra punch. With a bit of tweaking in the musicality in a couple of stanzas, this would honestly be a bonafide gem of a poem! The progression doesn't feel disjointed at all (the pacing of the ideas and when they come into play is fantastic). Well done! Much enjoyed.

[Earthrise]

Thank you for your review. It's really uplifting, especially because I hadn't thought much about this piece in a while. I wonder if you could clarify what you mean when you say the musicality needs work? There are a few lines that I admit need work, but if you had specific examples I may be tempted to edit the piece.

[emipoemi]

of course. Just so you know, your word choices are fine for the most part, so these lines don't necessarily need any change of words per se, but rather the order in which they appear. Musicality, in case you're wondering as well (just to be sure), is not the same as rhythm/metre. So when I talk musicality I mean the general flow of the piece. Your first stanza is perfection with flow but it's also what sets the bar for the rest of the poem - in how the poem should flow. So the second stanza does pretty good to follow the thread (it's not the exact metre but it has similar down beats, so that's good...and it's awesome on top of that). Stanza 3 may be where we find the first trouble, and it may just be me but (at least for me) "without" lands on the wrong syllable in the musicality of that line, but if it's not terrible - it still works - what's more concerning is understanding what you mean by "lay, my heart and you/To gaze at you" (that comma is tripping me up and wondering what's that supposed to convey. It may be the only line where the context is iffy). The next two stanzas is where the musicality gets iffy by adding an extra syllable. Take out the "to" in "help me to forget" as it still works without the preposition and you get a better connection to the main musicality (and although it's ok to modulate the musicality in the middle of the piece, the first down beat should be more or less the same, and the breath in that line hangs a beat too long before coming down. Same with "let us dance among the cosmic dust" - better to begin with "let's" so you hit that beat better. Other than that, it seems an absolute gem. Has a great message, conveys that message well, and very well paced. it's merely those two corrections and that line that I think needs a little more clarification as to what exactly is intended with it, and buddy, you're off to the races with this one.

[Earthrise]

Thanks for your honest feedback. I can definitely see that a few lines run a little long, but could be fixed in the future. Personally, I read the "without" as landing on the right syllable, but that may just be because I have the benefit of understanding my word choices more than the average reader. I'll probably change that if I publish this anywhere else. As for the strange context of that one line... yeah, I can see what you mean. That one would take a lot more thought to fix, but again, if I ever publish this anywhere else, I'll keep all your critiques in mind.

[emipoemi]

Just for the record, the "without" isn't your biggest problem, I'm aware that different regions/dialects of English pronounce certain words differently, so if you want to keep that as is, all good, no sweat there, I was just pointing out that not everyone pronounces the word the same way. That's all. The other comments were more significant as to the integrity of the poem itself. And you're very welcome. Glad I could help.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

being an English teacher I can really appreciate this poem...Objectives...we are filled with them, driven by them....we cannot achieve them soon enough...
Subjectivity....the essence of life? Somehow we have left that in a locked suitcase and we are travelling
towards goal after goal without it.
We sprint, when we should walk at a more leisurely pace and appreciate what is around us.
j.

[Marlena]

You grabbed my heart from the very beginning to the end. I read it a couple of times and I still don't have enough. I just loved it so much

[Earthrise]

Thank you so much! Comments like this keep me going. This means a lot to me.