A Kind of Rejection

“Can I talk to you?”

Evan turns away from his stargazing to find Aelia, his heart stopping with a not-unpleasant jolt before it remembers what it's supposed to be doing. A blink's time of Channeling, not even long enough for his eyes to shine, tells him nobody else on the boat is awake.

“Yeah, of course. I'm not really busy,” Evan responds lamely. “Just looking at the sky again.”

She looks at him strangely, but joins him in leaning on the stern railing and lifting her shining eyes to the sky, while he drops his gaze to see the stars reflected in hers. Even without Channeling her power, her lovely blue eyes seem to glow,

After a long minute, she turns slightly to him. “It's been weird, hasn't it?”

“For me? Everything's weird. What specifically?”

“Us. My kitchen, and then the whole thing with us not being touching, and then when the Seraphs came... I don't know. You know?”

Evan blinks as he carefully considers the rambling sentence, not knowing how to respond. He decides to go with a safe option. “I guess.”

“Because when you first came here, it seemed so natural to be falling for you. I don't know if you realized that's what was happening.”

“I thought you were beautiful since the moment I arrived. To be honest I'm not sure why it seemed so important that we not pursue... us. I mean... I don't want to assume things,” Evan suddenly realizes he's been rehearsing this conversation as inevitable, but now he's not saying any of his lines. So charge ahead, then, and trust my instincts, he thinks. Like Sebastean says.

“Maybe it's all that's happened, but that doesn't seem right. Doesn't seem honest. In fact that conversation where you told me I was afraid, that we shouldn't be... whatever, that was before the attack. And I still don't know what you were talking about.”

She looks at her skinny, pale feet, wrings her hands. “Maybe neither do I.”

Again they contemplate the swirling display of Fallen's night. Still not used to such a celestial showcase, Evan finds himself mentally following the lines of some kind of colorful cloud filled with sparkling proto - stars that fills up a third of the sky.

“Evan?”

“Yeah?”

“Can you do something for me?”

“Anything you need,” he says without thinking.

She bites her lip, takes a deep breath. “What do you think of me? I mean honestly. I mean like, not for a girl, not for a human, not compared to anyone. What are your feelings towards me?”

“Loaded question for this time of night,” Evan responds cooly, but his mind is racing. “Well you're very pretty. And you're an amazing dancer, in my amateur opinion. And... well, you let me live in your house, so you're kind, and giving, and affectionate... I don't know. You're great. Why do you ask?”

“I don't know.”

“Nice. Okay, what about me?”

She looks startled, like she's astonished to be asked. “What, same question?”

“Yep. Fair's fair.”

To Evan's great surprise, she answers slowly but immediately, like she already knows what to say. He can't say he's pleased with her response because he's heard it from a dozen other girls and he doesn't like to think they were anything like Aelia.

“You have sad eyes.”

Evan can't completely stop himself from responding sarcastically. “Sad how? Everyone says that.”

“Like you're real old behind them. Like you don't know anybody, like you don't love anybody, like everything you see just hurts you. And when you look at me you seem... scared. I feel like you like me, like you want me to like you, and I do... but I feel like you don't know how to deal with that.”

He only stares at her, amazed.

“And you're doing it now.”

“I don't... I'm trying to understand what you mean.”

She takes a long, long time to answer, and when she does it's as she walks back to the door belowdecks.

“You don't know how to love someone. It's not your fault, I'm sure whatever you went through on Earth was terrible and I'm sure you'll someday heal... but right now you can't see the difference between loving somebody, and just not hating them. And if you want me, I don't want it to be because I'm the only person who hasn't hurt you yet.”

And Evan stands alone, gazing at the door, feeling the cold light of a trillion stars and wondering how she could be so right.

And wanting to be better.