Not The Desiderata

Wisdom of the ages. Sugar free. Cholesterol free

Demented- deteriorata

Go placidly amid the wet cement of life

Use rubber boots indoors among the rubble

Wear 2 condoms every day for protection

Warning signs are read from left to right

Devout idiots avoid the letter F. Can I buy a vowel?

Stupidity knows no boundaries in the here and now

Go Therefore to the theater

Enjoy show tunes as Woke is no joke

For a good time call Kathy. (the number is on restroom walls)

As far as possible without surrendering

Remember, you are a child of the universe

Flotsam goo, stuck to the bottom of a shoe

Be on good terms with people named Bruce

Be not ashamed to walk on the graves of puppets

Let not pavements fall on you while on the ground

in solitude find peace between people of equal height

Find coins and old pizza in sofa creases

Shadows hide the souls desire to never mind

Chill out. Leave zoos at 4:00 pm as that’s when they close

Hours of operation are posted for those who have eyes to see

Tranquility will follow you to public toilets in your need

Flush twice as some things linger the more you think

Bring a newspaper to read

Remember always, public faculties breed diseases

Exercise caution in your business affairs

For the world is filled with elephant trickery

Elevator capacities are 500 lbs.

So beware of pachyderms on stairs

Rising with the rate of crime

Climbing with peanut shells behind them

Take counsel of the passing years

As you are not getting old but dead

Drink the soup of your deliciousness

Own your mistakes and take a bath

It is a grave mistake to microwave gravy

Jumping through windows could be fatal

And lead you into the temptation of landing

Whatever comes first, it is mine, don’t touch it

Remember, there are discounts on the horizon

Stores use lay-a-way as a scam on mankind

On your shores of sadness there is emptiness

Embrace it as there is more to come

Fingers are used for counting toes

No more or less for those without

Tomorrow is a word that begins with T

Voice your truth quietly and clearly

Through a mega phone but please don't speak

Use short words when speaking to the small

Use telephones when calling God

And sign language when reaching Japan

You are a child of the universe

Everything you say and do will be used against you in a court of law

Respect gravity, use it wisely when leaving planes in flight

You are not Superman. There is no S across your chest

Tickets cost $12.00 to see him at movie theaters

Go in peace and eat the popcorn

Always there will be people greater and lesser than yourself

Therefore, take wallets from others according to their wealth

The universe is waiting for you to drink Pepsi. Do not disappoint

Avoid loud and obnoxious people. Karens are the worst

Keep interested in your career

Beer is not going to drink itself

Make peace with your god, whatever you conceive Him or it to be:

A mushroom cloud, a plastic bottle, a door knob collection on Ebay

A crouton you almost choked on while eating Cesar salad

Pray to him frequently for coupons

Be yourself as it will serve you well when showering

You are a child of the universe

Coming up from behind you with a knife

Quit and turn yourself in to the authorities

Turn off faucets and lights when leaving town

Leave no bar of soap or towel behind from hotels

In the noisy confusion of life, resign

It is still a beautiful world. Remember to steal ash trays that say Hilton

It is a small world but who wants to paint it?

Keep peace in your soul and weather balloons in your pockets

Use helium until you rise and pop

People are dumber than you think

Therefore, be at peace with your rugs and carpets.

Wipe your feet before walking on friends and little people.

Rise with the suns of ever darkness

Whatever that means.

When eating cake, eat one slice at a time

Because two would be foolish, three, ridiculous

Pick a number as long as it is ten

If you talk to yourself do it in public

People will give you quarters

The universe is out to get you

Go forward therefore to buy an Uzi

There is no time to waste

Jeopardy is on at 8:00

Author's Note

The comments made in this writing are not meant for human consumption but do not tell the elephants because they will surely be offended.