The Carnival Incident

Adjustments to the new neighborhood can be interesting.

The Carnival Incident

By a narrow beam of light, sliced through the almost closed curtains, it became evident, even clear that morning had arrived. Hmm. What is this? No coffee. Goals are important. The best part of waking up is going back to sleep but in this instance there is nothing in my cup so I should go out.

Being new to this area I’m a little disoriented. I can’t remember exactly where the market is. Perhaps I will meet someone to point the way or the sun might be kind enough to guide me. Clearly it had come to take us away. As I stepped outside riding on the magic of the moment there was no urgency, only thoughts that streamed in no particular order to accompany me on my journey.

A giant red sun must be going nova right about now; exploding out there somewhere because the universe is big, larger than us, certainly larger than life because the cosmos is infinite. Grand things happen all the time in the open void. Coffee and sleep are perfect examples. As I dreamed on or was it walking? our yellow sun was holding an umbrella up for protection or for purposes yet unknown but it soon became burnt to a crisp quickly somewhere between half sleep and reality figuring it had outgrown any usefulness.

Storms were already rolling in from vast distances, from directions I still hadn’t learned or become familiar with. I should really invest in a map to get around and know where I am in this new neighborhood. Black thunder clouds carrying the weight of heavy water and bolts of lightning with them for good measure, guaranteed inclement weather but they were going to take some time to arrive here so the day was still mine to explore and I intend to enjoy as much of it as I can before the predicted rain comes to fruition as a deluge which defines it as an event.

No sooner had these conjured up thoughts of gloom emerge, fragmented, disconnected ideas as they might appear, insignificant distractions from what I should be focused on, I was suddenly attacked from behind by an army of two little blue men who grabbed me, kidnapped me against my will and dragged me off to the carnival. I would have preferred a circus or two but there were none to be found in the vicinity. I looked to the sky for a sign of salvation from these midgets and prayed for a circus of any kind to appear but there were only clouds, some of which looked like clowns with electric knives so I was reduced to following the instructions of the two little guys, midgets with crime on their minds.

The little blue men took me to a balloon target tent at the carnival center. They tied my feet down and secured them to the floor with rusty chains just in time to have the curtains go up, open on a large ugly crowd of people who were ready and eager to hurl balloons at me for a small fee. It could have been worse. They could have thrown darts or spears or arrows or rocks or any number of sharp objects that could lead to bleeding or something else. Fortunately I had the use of my arms and hands so I could repel and push away the rubbery projectiles. I figured this was not so bad. It was annoying but I could deal with the inconvenience and humiliation for awhile. I actually became good at the art of deflection.

After several hours of enduring the insane balloon attacks from strangers I hardly knew, I became incensed, frustrated and began to scream, “Stop this madness!” “Let me free you filthy animals!”

Eventually the sun became tired of the sky or simply lazy so it dropped out of sight creating instant darkness called night. The crowds went away with less money in their pockets but with joy in their hearts for the damage they had done. Everything in life has a price.

A gigantic bearded lady entered the tent and released me from my bondage. She grabbed me, threw me over her shoulders like a sack of potatoes and took me to her place of residence somewhere on the grounds. It was a small tent adorned with mirrors all over the floor, walls and ceiling. There was one brightly glowing lamp in a corner and a life like color picture of Harry S Truman and Bozo the Clown standing side by side in the photo that was attached to a mirror with duct-tape. The bearded one placed me down and instructed me to sit in the good chair. It was very smelly and uncomfortable. I started to imagine what the bad chair must be like. I told the lady that I needed to go now because I was running late for a Pinochle game with friends. Naturally she would not hear of it. She told me that I am her pet. Training will start in the morning. She informed me that I should not move from the good chair because the poisonous snakes would detect me and kill me on the spot. She waddled away, all 400 lbs. of her and left me there to stare at the former president and the clown all night. Truman was the guy who had bombs dropped on Japan. I’m sure Bozo dropped a few bombs of his own in his day.

I tried to close my eyes to get some sleep. As I did, I heard a loud beep beep beep beep sound. When I opened them it stopped. I closed them again and the beep beep beep beep began again. A pattern was starting to emerge. I was beginning to think that someone or something was spying on me, observing my every move. It was very disconcerting to say the least. Just then the bearded one entered again with one of the little blue people. When I say blue I mean this guy was completely blue; blueberry blue from head to toe, body and soul, wearing a blue uniform with matching blue shoes.

She introduced the blue guy as her husband. She told me that she had been married to Bozo the Clown in the past and that she loved Truman because he was her source of energy, encouragement and peace of mind. She explained that Bozo was a good provider and husband when he suddenly died of natural causes. He was found funny face down inside the knife exhibition tent several years ago with 7 or 8 knives embedded in his body.

I told her that it does not sound like natural causes. She said indeed it was. The handles were made from natural cow hide and the blade was fashioned from natural metallic ores. Accidents do happen. They too are natural. It was obvious that she was now in love with the replacement for Bozo.

It was very important for me to get on the good side of both of them immediately. First impressions are lasting so I must see to it that they are positive ones. That was an imperative.

My first words to the blue guy were, “You both make such a lovely couple.” “I’m so very pleased to meet you sir.”

The little fellow became infuriated, puffed up and angrier than a mad dog. If he wasn’t blue already he would have turned that color with the display of rage he was exhibiting. He screamed out, “I’m not a sir!” “I am a blue person!” “You will address me accordingly!” “There will be no gender bashing here!” “I am not a man.” “I am not a woman.” “I am a person.” “Nothing more. Nothing less so remember that!”

I apologized and said, (in my most sheepish voice) “Yes blue person.” “I will remember to call you blue person.” I changed the subject and asked the bearded lady how she would like to be addressed. I mean she was wearing a dress so I figured this would be an easy one. I was wrong. She too wanted to be called something gender neutral too. She said, “You will refer to me as the bearded one.”

It became evident quickly that I had to make it a priority to remove all sex based references from my lexicon as it pertained to these two critters. I was in a quandary as to what I should do or say next but I have to get out of this mess.

I asked them what they wanted from me. I told them I had money, (which was a lie.) The bearded one said, “You are our pet now so that is that.” Blue person and bearded one departed. I was left alone with Truman and Bozo and yes, the snakes. Where are they hiding?

After several minutes more in the good chair I became agitated and desperate. I was not tied down. That might have been an oversight on the part of the loving couple who were too wrapped up in one another to have noticed. I stood up and ran to the entrance flap as fast as my feet and legs would carry me. It wasn’t such a great escape because snakes don’t have legs and feet to follow me.

I sprinted in a straight line in the direction I thought might lead me back to my house. I ran as fast as I could only to find that I had returned to the carnival. I tried this method several times and failed each time. I tried to run angular, diagonal and random but they all led me back to the same spot. It was like I was trapped in some time space loop without an escape. It was beginning to feel weird, very strange and the situation was making me paranoid.

The only way out of this predicament would be with reason, logic and a boat load of luck. I had to take control of my present situation so I decided to proceed cautiously, analytically and with sound reasoning on my side. I walked calmly through the carnival landscape being careful not to step into tents or areas I was already familiar with. There was a dark purple tent up ahead with a sign that read, “Madame Of The Night Watch” How bad could it be to enter so I walked right in nonchalantly and said, “Good evening madame.” A very thin attractive young woman with a red bandanna around her head levitated above her table. She floated towards me past her glowing crystal ball and settled gently in front of me in a puff of smoke. I pretended that everything was normal. I asked her how she was doing.

She planted her feet on the ground and began to speak in gibberish. I told her that I was not familiar with that language. She smiled and said, “We will keep this simple.” “We will keep this our little secret.” “Tell me what you have on your mind young man and I will tell you your future.” I told her I needed help and that I was lost and that strange people were after me and trying to make me their pet.

The gypsy lady touched my hand and said, “Relax.” “Take it easy.” “I am your friend.” “Give me $5.00 and we will be friends forever.” I figured that was a good price for what she was offering so I gave her the money. She motioned for me to follow her into a back room. I followed and she immediately pushed me into a cage where she locked me up. She screeched, running her delicate thin fingers over her face, “You little fool!” “You belong to me now!” “I will make you my pet forever and ever!” “Training will begin in the morning.” “Don’t be late.”

What in the world is going on here? Why does everyone I meet want to make me their pet? Do I look like some kind of domestic animal? I must be going crazy. Blue person and Bearded one might have something to say about this most recent abduction. After all, they kidnapped me first. If they see this crazy lady out and about with me on a leash with what they assume is their property, bad things will happen. I wonder if the gypsy has real magic powers or if the bearded one and her blue confused companion do.

I can’t worry about these things right now. I’m hungry and exhausted. I asked the gypsy lady her real name, trying to avoid the problem I had with the odd couple of gender perplexity. She approached my cage, my new home and said, “I am mommy.” “You can call me mom.” I told her I needed food and a pillow. She fed me a piece of toast and gave me a potion that made me see yellow and purple spots that transformed into swirling red dragons with pointy glowing horns.

When I finished with my snack, my coma, my nap, I woke up in pain, with a swollen head, dazed and confused, to find my reality was not a bad dream or fantasy but something worse. Mom was there with a stick to teach me new tricks. She taught me gibberish for starters because I had failed that test in the very beginning. I followed her directions because I had no other choice. I looked for any opportunity to escape to change this nightmare back into sanity. One day at a time was my motto. One day I said, “Mom, can I go out and play?” She said, “No!” I never take no for an answer so I persisted and asked her over and over again until she saw reason and relented. As predicted, she did place me on a leash and paraded me around the carnival grounds.

It wasn’t too long before blue person and bearded one laid eyes on me, finding me extended at the end of a leash attached to my new owner. Bearded one confronted little miss gypsy as she barreled down on her like a ballistic missile screaming profanities and other wicket delicacies. “What are you doing with my pet you ugly witch?!” Mom turned her into a blue marble pronto. Before blue person could utter a word she turned him or she or it into a toaster.

It was the first time in a long time that I felt happy. I was beginning to like mom. She is something special. She feeds me toast and special potions every day. Now I can forget about buying coffee and all my problems float away. I’m not even concerned with storm clouds or snakes with feet but clowns with knives frighten me to death. Mom has a special colored pill for that.