How To Have Sex

Instructional. Fun reading for everyone. An unforgettable experience.

How To Have Sex

           Sex Instructions  

Have sex without trying
Begin by swinging from chandeliers when home
Wear matching multicolored harlequin costumes
Equip yourselves with harmonicas and bazookas
Keep lubricants and trampolines near by for safety
Practice lunar landings in your room

Resume your activities in the great outdoors
Do sex in a car when speeding
Bring a partner or spare tire if desired
Avoid police if so inclined
Drive eighty miles an hour at all times
Watch out for sharp curves if they object
Narrow mountain roads are watching
Keep one eye on the road while inserting 
                                                                                    
Headlights and moon glow set the mood
Never use puppets when in an auto
Open highways are open to suggestion

Mating should only occur in flight
Eat oysters raw when in the air
Climb to greater heights by sneezing
Use Airplanes for best results
Jump from wing to wing
Wear a parachute and a pirates patch
Use only one to avoid catastrophes

Take lessons from cartoons 
To find out who you are

Leave farm animals and zoo creatures alone
Plants and vegetables are out of the equation
Milking a cow is taboo too… Don't do it!
Wear rubber gloves if you must 

Position yourselves to be lazy
In opposite directions as instructed 
Never have sex face to face
Back to back is better
Jump on the bed for comfort
Apparatuses are optional for you and amateurs
Avoid them at all cost
They cost too much
 
Watch out for babies!  (They snore)
Never run them over of course
It's against the law 
And down right crazy
Such activity could lead to divorce

Pregnancy can be fun 
Instructions are on the dashboard
But first you must buy or rent a car
Before you floor it

            -Final Notice-
(*Don't use balloons as prophylactics)
(Too many colors can cause distractions)



        

Author's Note

Silly, educational, instructional, driving manners, puppets, pirates patch warning, (a public service announcement.) Safety.....is optional.

Reviews

[cycy]

hahahah thanks for the RR KWP this was a funny one indeed lolx. enjoyed every line right up to the end.

[Earl Schumacker]

Hi cycy,
Thank you so much for commenting. Glad you enjoyed it. Have a great day. Earl

[Einstein Noodle]

KWP recommended your poem to me ..i don't know how she knows i do need the education :}

very funny! lots of chuckles from me .. absolutely love this:
"Take lessons from cartoons
To find out who you are"

but you have a lot of great lines ..
E.

[andrew mitchell]

Very funny write, the imagery of speeding and taking flight had me thinking of being in a rocket with zero gravity doing the wild thing lol. or trying too!

[Earl Schumacker]

Hi Andrew, Thank you for commenting. Sorry I'm getting back to you so late with a response. I'm glad you liked it. I just discovered this moment that you wrote something. I hope you have a great day. Earl

[KWP]

Ha! Well, I must say this is certainly very useful and even more insightful. Have sex in the car when speeding, from experience I can tell you that when having sex in the car, one in naturally inclined to speed with the climatic crawl up to one's sexual zenith (true story - or not - who knows! ;) )

what a jolly romp and rump you have taken me on here ... given me all kinds of new ideas to boot ... excuse me, must go find my practice partner ... you know, cos practise make perfect right X

nicely done X