Don't look in the closet

What if your child isn't lying? What if there is a monster in the closet?

I wake up to the sound of my daughter crying out for me, something I've become used to. My daughter is almost five years old, and has become terrified of the dark; it was common for her to wake up in the middle of the night and get scared.

I slowly sat up and swung my feet out from underneath the warm, fluffy blanket and on to the cold and unforgivingly hard wooden floor. My daughter calls out for me again "Im coming sweetheart!" I call out reassuringly to her as I stand up, wobbling a little. I take a second to catch my balance before meandering over to the door.

The door lets out an irritating squeak as I open it 'i need to oil the hinges... Tomorrow...' I think to myself as I shuffle down the dark hallway.


I slowly open the door to my daughters room, a calm smile on my face "is everything ok honey?" I ask as she slowly pulls the covers off her face. "D-daddy..." She says shakily "t-theres a-a-a monster in t-the closet.." I can see the small tears begin start to stain the corners of her eyes. "It's ok honey" I say softly, walking over to the side of her bed. "There's no monster" I bend down and give her a big, squishy hug; and quickly kiss the top of her head. Her shaking didn't slow one bit.

"Fine, I can check" I say with a quiet sigh, turning around. I yawn as I take the few steps to the closet; a shiver goes down my spine as i hear rustling coming from inside the closet...

I slowly bring my shaky hand up to the door handle, I grit my teeth and quickly throw the door open; letting out a gasp...

It was.. my daughter...

"D-daddy..." She wispers, fear in her eyes "t-t-theres a-a mons-ster in m-my b-b-bed..."

Author's Note

This is my first story, I'm looking to improve how I structure things.
I'm also trying to learn how to add more meat to the writing, flush it out a little

Reviews

[Sachi Ruaya]

HAHA...my reaction at the end was priceless. I really cuffed my mouth.

RECOMMENDATIONS

To add more meat in your writing, I suggest to be a little bit more descriptive language. For instance; you can describe the sound of 'your' daughter crying. E.g. My daughter's croaking voice wails resonate throughout our mansion as she cries, "M-m-monster!" in her most distressed tone.
*And you can express that it is 'something that you are used to' by saying; This is something that comes daily like a routine.
So technically I'm suggesting more use of similes, metaphors and onomatopoeia.

Also, I suggest, when the father opens the closet, you can engage the reader more by describing the daughter. An example would be; " I grit my teeth and quickly throw the door open; letting out a gasp...

I see a young girl with her thin light-brown hair falling shortly by her shoulders. Light olive skin like my wife's and fearful brown eyes like mine. My. Own. Daughter.

Grammar & Punctuation: I don't really like to focus my review on this since I see writing as a pure art but anyways, remember to put the comma before any dialogue and a capital letter when starting a speech.

Overall, Good job. The story I really loved. You kept me hooked!


Here are some examples of "meaty writing":

Bloodlust Confection (I heard you like horror lol): http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/ruayano111/1978445/

On my doorstep (horror, heartbreak and really descriptive):http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/ruayano111/1972203/

Missing Piece (a similar structured story as this one): http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/ruayano111/1921688/

Her glacier (Calming heartbreak poem): http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/ruayano111/1943715/

Face me (battle poem): http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/ruayano111/1972210/

I will put this review on your comments section on your profile page so it is more accessible. I hope you gain a little bit of "meat" aha...

[Sachi Ruaya]

I hope this review helped you. Happy Writing!

[Andrew Close]

Thanks for the tips!

[barleygirl]

Sachiko, another reviewer, put it into many words, but I'd like to summarize one of her points this way: remember to inject a sensory intensity that involves all the senses (smell, taste, sound) . . . feel free to make up words to show us sounds KER-PLUNK! Spooky tales are all about sensory. Slow way down & think about squishy feelings . . . say the father steps in something stinky & squishy as he tiptoes down the hall . . . say there are cobwebs across the closet opening & they stick to his face . . . draw us many pictures to SHOW instead of tell (first rule of good writing). The main thing this story is missing is SUSPENSE toward the end . . . you could make it last for twice this long, if you just use a step-by-step description of the father going to look into the closet. You speed right thru this part. To draw it out is what makes a spooky story so much fun. Instead of just hearing some rustling from the closet, remember to use all the senses . . . what kinds of smells are coming from the closet? what kinds of dripping liquids or gooey sludge seeping under the door? This is how you take a simple scary scenario (the one you've written about here is very good as a start) . . . and pump it up! *smile* Fondly, Margie