Renewal

All that is new shimmers, if only for a time. Allow this knowledge to guide you, as you seek after the truth, which for so long a while has been just out of reach.

Last night, I dreamt of you.

I had rather hoped that I would. I play this terrible game sometimes, you see, just as I am about to drift off to sleep. In my final waking moments, I pray that I will see your face, even from a distance, somewhere within my dreams. Sometimes, it works.

I understand that this is because, for the briefest of instants before I fall under the spell of night, both my subconscious as well as my waking thoughts are in tune with one another, if only for a moment, which makes the thought of you at such a time so deeply essential.

I have heard it said before that the dead do not speak, and so it is with you. You are not dead from this life so much as you are dead to me, and as such, it is my duty to make it appear that way.

You never speak, in my dreams, when I see you. You stand there silently, looking around, probably wondering why it is that, even after all of this time, I still drag you into these awkward situations, but I do.

You opened your mouth only once, you see, and that was to smile at a friend of mine, with whom I was painting. Naturally, of course you did. She was new to you, and all that is new seems to shimmer, if only for a time. I once shimmered as well, you know, before you dulled my sparkle.

I believe that we stood in the living room of your childhood home, at least insofar as my imagination would have conjured such a place. It was bare and sparse, with walls that surrounded us that were either blue or turquoise or some peculiar shade of green. You were there, and so little else mattered to me, as my friend and I painted together, using different colors, as we stood next to the interior of your front door.

People came in the door, and people walked out, nameless faces to which we bore little mind, as we solemnly continued our artwork, and you curiously continued to look on.

As you had smiled at my friend, I saw that you wore braces. The bands on them were all sorts of eccentric colors that you would have likely chosen, in real life: orange, green, blue, yellow. I have never spoken of this to you in real life, but whenever I looked at you, that was the color that came to mind, of all the strange things, orange. I suppose I would have to say that it was the color of your aura, if I were ever to truly believe in such things.

You were embarrassed by the need to wear braces at your age, and even so, you had found your own unique way of making light of the situation.

The braces made sense to me. As you grow older, you are attempting to become a better version of yourself, improving upon the man that you once were, although you are ever bashful for people to witness that growth within you, as you hide away behind your humorous charm and calamy.

That is how your personality always seems to be. You are self centered enough to bear little mind to the thoughts and feelings of others, so long as they have no direct influence upon your own life, and you are insecure enough to hope that they still like you, as little as you have ever done for them. You never knew how much I once loved you, and with all due respect, my tortured friend, I pray even still that you never will, as the knowledge of such a truth would serve neither of us well.

I have never before met another person who could be so deceptively kind, while hiding such an entirely selfish, misguided, thoughtless version of yourself beneath the surface, where few care enough to take the time to look and see. You are truly horrid, you know, I can hardly fathom why I ever thought that I could love someone who held so much arrogance for doing so little.

How like a dangerous mirror to me you are. You are exactly like me, in every way. I suppose, my dear beloved monster, which is why for so long a time, I mistook you as my soulmate.

That was my mistake.
Consider that lesson to be one that I have learned well.

Reviews

[Antoñyo]

A beautifully-detailed piece about the kind of person a lot of people know or are. That "dangerous mirror" portion was brilliant and elevated the entire read.
Thanks for sharing

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Okay, I'm breathing heavily.. Why? 'Cause this write-up made me and that's a first! I feel like the person you wrote about is me.. I'm every bit like that.. It feels easy to be what you are not on the surface... But I think it would help if you tried putting yourself in his shoes... I'm stunned at this story! To see all those things I've felt written all over...