Black Fields

The night of Tommy and Janie's first time is something that they will never forget.

‘Did you see that?’ Janie stopped kissing Tommy and looked out of the car window into the fields. 

‘No, I didn’t see anything.’ He pulls her towards him, holding her lower back; he kisses her neck and moves his hands in between her legs, startling her.

‘Are you okay?’ Tommy strokes her cheek.

‘I’m fine, just a bit nervous I guess.’

‘Don’t worry,’ he kisses her forehead, ‘I’ll look after you.’

They were parked on a deserted road that was twenty miles from their home town. Janie didn’t want her first time to be in the back of Tommy’s brother’s car but she wanted him, she had waited long enough. There was no way they could ever be alone, her father was strict and never allowed them to be in her bedroom with the door closed and they couldn’t be alone at Tommy’s house because he shared a room with his older brother Danny.

Tommy ‘s hands moved towards her legs again and this time she let him, she tried to relax into the car seat but the seatbelt holder was digging into her back. It wasn’t exactly the romantic first time that she wanted. What was making it worse was she had a strange feeling that someone was watching them, although Tommy tried to reassure her, she was still worried. Tommy pulled Janie’s t-shirt off and admired her breasts; he moved the strap down one side and kissed her shoulder. He moved up her neck once more and Janie sighed with pleasure. His tongue was warm in her mouth, she could feel her body rising with excitement as his hands explored deeper places. 

Tommy lifted his own t-shirt from his body, she admired him in return. She wrapped her arms around him; his muscles tighten as they embrace together. They remove more clothing, Tommy gets his foot caught in his trouser leg and Janie laughs aloud. She runs her hands through his hair, and as he sits up she returns the favour. Tommy closes his eyes and moans softly, their eyes lock for a brief moment. Janie always knew that he was the one, his sea green eyes drew her in that day and every part of Janie ached for him. They connected on every level and now they would physical connect in a way that would change them both forever. 

Tommy watched as Janie closed her eyes with contentment, they lay naked, side by side on the back seat of the car facing each other. Their bodies were resting but Tommy could still feel a smooth tingle beneath his skin, he loved Janie so much. He knew that she was a better person than he was and he didn’t know what he had done to deserve her. He curled a piece of her hair in his hand, it was a sun kissed shade of blonde and her eyes were a pretty shade of blue. He knew he shouldn’t close his eyes but as he watched her eyelashes flicker he couldn’t resist. He shut his eyes and imagined that he and Janie were somewhere else entirely. 

     They both gasped and shot upright, the howling of the wind alarmed them and as the rain pattered on the windows they knew that they had fallen asleep.
 

‘Maybe we should head back now.’ Janie rummages through the clothes on the car floor, she finds her pink bra and Tommy helps her fasten it.

‘I think we should wait until the rain has died down, it’s hard to drive in this weather.’

‘Okay, hey, do you think Danny will know that his car is missing?’ 

‘I doubt it. His friends took him on a road trip and they won’t be back until tomorrow morning, his car will be there waiting for him when he gets back.’

‘You’re going to be in a lot of trouble if he finds out.’ Janie points her finger at him and laughs.

‘Yeah, but it was worth it.’ They rub noses and kiss softly for a few moments. They put on the rest of their clothes and sit in the back sets waiting for the severity of the rain to pass. 

‘All the windows are fogged up.’ Janie wipes the condensation with the arm of her jacket.

She jumps back and falls into Tommy’s lap, a look of horror on her face.

‘What’s wrong babe?’

‘Nothing.’

‘No, seriously, what’s wrong?’

‘I saw something.’

‘Not this again, Janie, there’s nothing there.’

Janie peered out of the window again, this time she scanned the black fields, her eyes wide, she tried not to blink. She didn’t want to miss anything. But to her disappointment, it was merely a figment of her imagination.

‘I must be tired.’

‘Yeah that’s probably it, come here.’
Tommy pulls Janie closer and she buries her head into his chest. A charming scent of aftershave on his t-shirt comforts her until she feels eyes watching them again.

‘I’m telling you Tommy, something’s out there.’

She goes to the car window and rolls it down, the rain spits in her face but she doesn’t mind. This time she knew, she saw it clearly. In the midst of the black fields stood a silhouette. She couldn’t make out any features but she knew he was real.

‘Tommy?’

‘Could you come to the window please?’ her voice trembled. 

‘What is it?’

‘There’s a man in the fields.’

‘Are you sure it’s not a scarecrow?’ he smirked. 

‘Tommy, scarecrows don’t move, he’s getting closer.’

‘You’re such a drama queen, it’s probably nothing.’

‘Tommy please do something.’

‘Okay, okay, I’ll go and check it out.’

‘Don’t go out there?’ Janie pleaded.

‘I’ll be right back.’

Tommy opened the car door and stepped outside. He put up his hood and walked away from the car and towards the field. ‘Hello?’ He called, feeling stupid the second the word passed his lips.

His foot reached the beginning of the field, the crunch under his feet startled him at first. The rain was getting heavier and he knew he should go back to the car, Janie would be waiting and they should really go back home. It was only briefly but he swore he saw something to. A mass of black hiding, amongst the shadows of the tall grass. He turned around; the car was getting closer when a loud hit of gunfire soared through the sky. 

His chest was warmed with blood pouring into his hands. He clutched the outside of his coat and fell towards the ground. Red stained the concrete as his vision deteriorated; he could see his brother’s blue car and his girlfriend Janie running towards him, her blonde hair bashing against the wind, she screams. The black silhouette pushes her into the car. Helplessly, he tries to get up but he feels too much pain in his chest. He rests his head on the concrete. He pictures her blue eyes, the tingle beneath his skin; he can’t hold on any longer, it is his time to go.   

   

 

 

  

Author's Note

This is a very rough first draft of a short story that I am working on. Ignore any grammar issues or flaws in the narrative. I just want to know what people think of the story. Is it too abrupt? Does it appeal to a teen audience? Should it be longer etc...

Reviews

[Christopher Withers]

Hi Emma-Jane,

for a rough draft, this is very good! The narrative style is great, and I found your prose flowed well.
Not being a teenager, I can't give a truthful statement as to whether it will appeal to teenagers now, but it would have appealed to me. The slight titillation mixed with the shocking conclusion does grab the attention.

I look forward to reading the final version.

[Emma-Jane]

Thank you very much! I guess it could appeal to any audience but I deliberately used a simplistic language style that could probably suit a younger audience. I will put up the final draft soon.

I will return the favour and review some of your writing :)