Bloomy (Gravity)

In a space of 24 hours, we read the tale of a control obsessed, micromanaging, 2nd in command and how karma reared it's ugly head.

“Another Idiot sacked!” I spoke through the Phone. “Brian Baxter! Previously warned for isolation breech, but I got him after my underling caught him urinating behind the Crib-room!”

“Very good!” spoke the German accent of my Superior. “Ich vill be very happy, if veer increase the turnovers before veer hand out sie redundancy packages, Herr Bloom!”

Satisfied with my report my Superior Klaus Siegfried, politely phrased me some more before we spoke our goodbyes. I hung up the Phone, then I took my coffee mug from its doily. I quickly glanced around my neat and tidy office to ensure nothing was out of place. I glanced up at the gold-polished, merbu framed picture of Klaus. I adored his likeness, despite his cheeks were blotchy red and his crooked nose was shaped more like an Ibis beak, than that of an actual person. I noticed his frame was a little crooked. “Damn, I must sack that Retard of a Janitor!” I exclaimed. After I rehung the heavy, frame on the wall, several times before I finally managed to hang it so it was straight. Almost picturesque.

I finished my coffee before I walked out to the hallway, determined to get myself another cup of this delicious, Brazilian roasted bean, nothing like the crap instant-coffee I supply to the plebs of my workplace.

“Mister Bloom!” called a Woman’s voice.

I turned around to see the beautiful outline of my sexy assistant, Miranda Hope. I hired her simply because her body, all the way up to her face, resembled an actress that belonged in Movies, she is very incompetent with her paperwork, can barely add up one-digit numbers, so I give her the task of organising my daily itinerary. I know, it’s wrong to hire someone dangerously incompetent over their appearance, but I am the Safety Manager, I am unstoppable!

“What is it, Dear?” I asked. “Is there a problem with the order for the Tick & Flicks?”

The Tick & Flicks were my idea, I made it mandatory that the Workers fill them out before starting a Task, it’s time-consuming and it’s pointless, but they give me an excuse to sack them over lack of production.

“No!” she replied. “There’s been an ‘Insibent’…”

“IN-CI-DENT!” I angrily corrected her.

I placed my hand on my face, though I was happy at the golden opportunity to sack some more of the worthless Drones, it disrupts my day and throws my carefully organised Roster into utter chaos. If only they could give me notice before they injure themselves or break the Codes of Conduct.

“What happened Miranda?”

She cleared her throat. She was preparing herself to use big words.

“Jeremy Bishop, on the assembly floor, has reported his apron and his pants got caught on the conveyor belt, in an attempt to prevent himself from getting pulled in the machine, he had to remove said clothing.”

I giggled, not at the somewhat comical incident. It was another opportunity to fire another Pleb. Miranda handed me his file. Good, Golly! All of the incident reports that involved him are numerous. If he had one more work-related injury it would be as thick as a Bible. That could get me in a lot of trouble with Klaus. Unless, I report this as a behavioural incident.

“Honestly, Miranda! This Man is accident-prone, he should have been escorted out the Gate years ago.” I replied.

I needed to get this Worker packing his bag, then I could shred his files and Klaus would never hear of this.  “Where is he?”

Miranda spoke. “His Super-viss-ar…”

“SUPERVISOR!” I snapped. I took a deep breath and calmed myself. “What has his Supervisor done?”

“Sent him home to recover from the shock, he’ll be in tomorrow though.”

“Good! Organise the safety team to lockdown the floor and get me picture of everything involved by 9 am tomorrow. I want to have a hearing for Mister Bishop in the Conference room tomorrow, he does not set foot on site until we have this hearing, is that clear?”

“Yes, Mister Bloom!” she replied.

My Assistant rushed off to organise the investigation, I almost felt sorry for this Gentleman, his file clearly stated “Wife has Breast Cancer and supporting five kids!” Oh, this will be epic! If only the Australian Law would let me fire him on the spot. I knew the Assembly floor very well, but I couldn’t decide whether to sack him for being without his protective apron on site or for not hitting the emergency stop button ‘inconveniently’ located six meters from the conveyor belt. I’ll hit him with both. That’ll get him out the door.

I walked out of my Office building and met up with the safety team before we walked over to the site of the incident.

The work area which before the lockdown was home to twenty (Formally forty) of some of the best process workers in the Country, over the last ten years I’ve ensured we not only hit our production targets, but go above and beyond.

The area was a huge room, with a conveyor belt that divided it in two, it was located in the very centre, the floor was a nice, depressing shade of grey concrete. The walls were made of tin with the steel support beams bronzed from the rusts of neglect. It was the most picturesque workplace in my opinion, nothing beautiful, nothing colourful, we didn’t want any employee drifting off to ‘imagination-land’.

“Tony!” I called.

An overweight, balding Man who’s given more than half his life to the Company approached me. He was the head safety advisor. The Workers called him the ‘Bug Collector’ because of his ability to pin and frame anyone, a Man so perfect for the Job, so perfect I made up this position for him.

“Are the Witness reports done?” I asked.

“Yes, Mister Bloom, I have them in my hands…”

“NO!” I snapped. I ripped them out of the Old Whale of a Man’s hand. “Have the Employees, including the Supervisor email them to you! Have you forgotten how to do your Job?” I scrunched the Statements up before I threw them on the floor.

“Sorry, Miss Hope said the reports were urgent!” replied Tony. “I just thought you’d want them as soon as possible.”

“Tell them to write them out in their own time and email them to you, got that?” I spoke slowly.

I saw Tony’s frustration at being spoken to like a small child with a learning impairment, but as a good little Office-b***h he forgot his pride and took my mockery.

“Mister Bloom…” he finally asked. “… Might I have a word alone?”

The other four Members of the safety Team read the signal and took off in different areas of the Work-site, questioning Witnesses and taking pictures of the Company plant.

Tony cleared his breath and looked me in the eye, the Old Man’s gaze made him appear more Human than I’ve ever seen him before.

“Look, Tony…” I spoke dismissively as I raised my hand to stop him. “… I didn’t mean to talk to you like that, I’m under a lot of stress from Siegfried.” I lied.

“It’s not that, Mister Bloom…” he replied. “I wish to call in the favour you owe me from the Peterson Incident.”

I look at the fat, old Man in shock. “What? Why… Why would you do this to me, now?” I questioned him.

“Jeremy is married to my Daughter, Mandy, if he were to get fired they both would not be able to afford the Chemo treatments prolonging her life, my Grandchildren would lose their Mother and I would lose my only Daughter.” Tony sobbed. He dabbed a tissue in his right eye.

Yes, I owed him a huge favour, if he hadn’t altered those Witness statements that covered up Earl Peterson’s death, due to dodgy equipment, I would not only be out of work, but I may have gone to Court and owed the Peterson family Millions in compensation, out of my own pocket. Since then I’ve made it mandatory that all Witness statements would be emailed to Tony (for Altercation if necessary).

I racked my brain for a quick reply, yes, this Man was loyal to me, but Jeremy Bishop needs to be disposed of. I can’t have his file in our archives any second longer. Klaus could peruse them at any given moment. I thought for a moment. Tony has a proven track record of having someone sacked well before their second work-related injury, could it be my infamous ‘Bug Collector’ has ensured the Bishop incidents never reached my desk? After all, any work-related incidents or accidents go through him before I even hear about it.

“Tony…” I finally replied. “This Man has a killstreak of accidents… You’ve obviously became too personally involved with Bishop, that you’ve grossly neglected your duties to pass on this important information to me. I can have you out the Gate within the hour for this!”

“I’m sorry!” Tony sobbed. He began to tear even more. “It’s just…” He blew his nose. “Mandy’s life hangs on Jeremy keeping his Job, what would you do?”

“WHAT WOULD I DO?!?!” I yelled. “IF I WAS TO BACK-STAB MY OWN BOSS, I’D BE A BIT MORE CUNNING THAN THIS! HOW COULD YOU JEAPRODISE MY POSITION AND FAVOUR WITH SIEGFRIED AFTER I WENT OUT OF MY WAY TO PROMOTE YOU, MAINTAIN YOUR EMPLOYMENT AND INCOME!?!”

“It’s just…”

“IT’S JUST DISGRACEFUL AND SELF-SERVING!” I screamed. Luckily nobody else could hear me. If any on-lookers saw me yell at Tony, they’d probably assumed I was angry at him this accident occurred.

I took another deep breath. I was so angry at the Old Man, if he wasn’t so useful to my cause, I’d would have torn up his employment contract. After another sigh, I came to my senses and said, “I will cash in your favour now and forget that you’ve done this, but if you so much as try anything like this again, you’re finished!”

Tony looked up to me and gave a tearful nod. The Old Man wiped his face before he walked off to join the Members of his team in the investigation. I knew from that point onward I not only needed to watch my back around him, but also, I needed another imported, Brazilian bean Coffee. I left the Assembly Floor and walked up to the Office building with my empty Coffee mug, still in my hand. As I entered the hallway, I heard someone crept up behind me.

“You want me to get that for you, Mister Bloom?” asked the sweet generous voice of Miranda Hope.

“Please!” I replied in frustration as I handed my Mug over to Miss Hope.

“Wait, Miranda!” I called out. She stopped and turned around to face me.

“What is it, Mister Bloom?” she asked.

“I’ve had a stressful day, I was hoping if you could pick me up a case of the Royal Cuban, 5 pack?”

I don’t smoke, but after a hard day, I like to go home and relax to my favourite brand of Cigars, the beautiful chocolate odour of the finest coca leaves and the sweet fragrance of the strong tobacco smell, but most importantly the relief the numbness brings me.

“I kept a case in my locker, Mister Bloom, I knew another one of these days was on the horizontal!”

“HORIZON!” I snapped. “but … Thank you, Miranda.”

I wished I could say the rest of my day improved, but unfortunately it took a tail-dive further into the depths of the cold, water of the unforgiving Ocean of despair. I had to send my Coffee back no less than three times; too much Milk, not enough and the wrong beans. Honestly, what do I pay this Woman for?

Finally, the day was over, I sat in the living Room of my carefully organised and clean House. I once was a Family Man, but after constant times of coming home to a messy and chaotic House, I was forced to let my Wife of ten years and my Son of six go. My divorce lawyer ensured they did not get their grubby, filthy hands on my Home or my Car. I recalled I went through the Warning process with my Ex-Wife, I’ve been more than fair, she’s received a verbal, a written, followed by a final, then she was forced out the Door in tears. What more could I’ve done? She was lucky I decided against taking the expensive legal fees out of her Child-support.

“Bloomy!” a voice called. I quickly stood up, and looked around, the large Cigar in my mouth muffled the reply. I checked each and every room, there was nobody in my House. The Neighbours, must have had their TV too loud, again! Maybe I should pull out my Laptop, I thought by now they’d be up to a written warning. 

I leant over to my Coffee table and reached over to the shelf underneath it. I grabbed my clean, black, Lenovo Laptop out of its case and begun to turn on the Computer.

“Oh, S**t!” I exclaimed. I’d be an abomination to my principles if I got a speck of ash on my constantly cleaned keyboard. I ashed out my oversized Cigar, in my ashtray and begun to open my Word program.

“D-E-A-R space M-R dot L-I-D-D-E-L” I muttered as I thumped my keys in utter frustration.

I drew a blank in my mind, I unfortunately have been given a taste of writer’s block. “Your disregard to the tranquillity, no… Your selfish and careless conduct of your operation of your household appliances, yes!”

“Hmmm…” I pondered, surely the notebook that contained the date I’ve recorded when I verbally warned Mister Liddel about the un-Godly amount of noise he negligently made was under the Coffee table. I felt around for it, stretched my hand as the other one kept my Laptop from falling from my lap as I hunched over.

“BLOOMY!” the voiced screamed. In a sudden fit of fright and shock, I unfortunately, not only dropped my Laptop onto the floor, but I nearly fell off my lounge and followed. After I closed it and left it on the table, I immediately checked all of the Rooms in my beautiful, house. I even took the extra step to double-check all of the cabinets, large enough to hide a Person. Nothing! Nobody was there. It must be Mister Liddel’s stupid Television. I decided to immediately march myself over to his House and demand he turned that ridiculous device of his down.

“Damn the Written warning!” I muttered. I needed my peace and quiet, I’ve had a hard day. I’ll make that stupid Tax Accountant sorry he’d moved in to my Street.

I opened my front Door and marched down to my mailbox, as I turned to my right I saw my once neatly trimmed Geisha Palm hedge wall, all wavy and odd coloured. The colours appeared to have changed. I thought since I was out here, I may as well be efficient and collect my Mail. I reached into it. I felt a large envelope, I pulled it out and opened it. To my horror I read the title, in bold capital letters. “THE INCIDENT OF EARL PETERSON” Now I remembered, he often called me ‘Bloomy’. It was a pet name I punished him for, months before his death.

“EH, BLOOMY!” called the voice again. It was in the same harsh rural accent, I recalled. No, I thought, this was ridiculous, there’s no such thing as Ghosts. It’s illogical and Impossible. Then again why are my Hedge bushes changing colour? Why were the lights of all of the adjacent Houses flicking on and off? I started to feel scared, I felt exposed that I was outside in the midst of all this calamity.

No, Peterson could not come back as a Ghost, a Man who was so full of outlandish sayings and metaphors would say to me something more than ‘Bloomy’. Especially by now. This was obviously a hoax, a farce. I’m just seeing things because I’m tired and over-stressed.

Suddenly, I felt a finger tap me on the back, I turned around to look, I felt the goose bumps on my arms go into overdrive as my legs felt they were composed of some jelly-like substance, they just barely managed to hold the rest of my body upright.

I turned around to face a Short, over-weight Man, whose face was wrapped in a dirty, white Balaclava, with sunglasses on, he wore a work uniform, even one of those stupid aprons, I forced the employees to wear.

“Eh, Bloomy! You ate the Cows and the Grass!” called the Man’s raspy voice.

In a sheer state of Terror, I bolted for my front door, in my haste I dropped the report on Peterson’s accident. That was Peterson, or a damn good impersonation, definitely one of his metaphors, though it’s meaning has long since escaped my mind.

I could not move as I got in. I slapped my door shut as I fell on to the floor with my back hard up against it. I heard another “Eh, Bloomy!” followed by another, and then another. I screamed in terror as his voice drilled its way deeper and deeper into my mind. “The Cows and The Grass, Bloomy!” it called.

I awoke the next morning, I was still up against my door, I checked my watch and screamed. “Oh, my God!” I was going to be late for work. I looked out my window, satisfied I didn’t see the Man or that dreadful report evident in my front-yard. Maybe it was just a dream. I decided in my state, I shouldn’t be driving, so after I got dressed, I dialled the number for a Taxi to take me to work.

When the Taxi finally arrived, precisely one minute after the time, the deceitful Operator assured me, I noticed something on my Front porch. It was one of those wireless speakers. It was green, it almost blended in with the Petunia plants that surrounded it. The battery was dead, someone must have left this on.

“Of course!” I thought. “How could I have been so stupid? Someone’s trying to set me up, it must be Tony! He had a similar build to Peterson, they were often mistaken for each other at the distance. He is so fired!

A loud impatient beep was heard from an annoyed Taxi driver, I must have strayed into deep thought for a while. I cleared my head before I entered the vehicle, I still clutched that horrid, green speaker in my clenched hand, my grip was so tight, I felt I was on the verge of crushing it.

My stress went into overdrive, especially after being forced to sit in a filthy taxi, with a smelly driver who was so ugly you couldn’t cast him in a horror movie. I need to get to the office, sit in my chair and relax.

I scanned my card. A bright red light shuns in my face, before a loud beep, followed by a robotic sounding voice. “ACCESS DENIED!”

I scanned my card again, but unfortunately the same thing happened. Frustrated, I pulled my Phone out of my pocket and rang security.

“Hello?” called a voice. It sounded like Carl McKay. The lazy couch-potato Tony recommended to be the Chief of Security.

“McKay! This is Mister Bloom! There’s a fault in the gate. I need you to run down with the emergency key post-haste and let me…”

“No fault, Mister Bloom! Unfortunately, you’ve been selected for a mandatory ‘D.A.A’!”

“A what?” I asked. “A drug and Alcohol test?”

Carl answered “Yes, that is correct, Mister Bloom, someone is on their way to escort you to the Medic room to undergo the t…”

“I’m not in the f*****g mood, McKay! Just let me in!” I interrupted. I felt so angry from my night, Tony’s horrid blackmail prank and worst my Coffee withdrawal.

“I’m sorry, Boss, Man. Bug Collector’s rules! No exceptions!” Carl hung up.

I felt my rage of anger burst, it torrented out of me in a tremendous force, I could barely control it. In my fit I pegged my Phone against the concrete fence with so much anger, the large screen on my device smashed from the impact.

Finally, Tony and his brigade of Safety Team Members, armed with notepads and Tick and Flicks marched up to the Gate.

“TONY, YOU C**T!” I screamed. “LET ME THROUGH AND I’LL FORGET ABOUT YOUR IMMATURE PRANK!”

“What prank, Mister Bloom?” The Old Man’s face was blank with confusion.

The Safety Advisor’s acting was so perfect, if he wasn’t an eye-sore, he’d probably make a lead role in a movie or maybe fat sidekick at best.

“THAT GHOST BULLSHIT YOU PLAYED AT MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT! DON’T PLAY DUMB WITH ME!” I yelled. My tone of voice shook the five Men, despite the locked Gate that stood in between us.

“I don’t even know where you live, Mister Bloom, but, if you don’t calm down, I will have to deny your access to the facility.”

I took a deep breath and calmed down. I thought to myself, the only way in was to play his little Game, after I’ve been re-authorised, then I have the Power to throw this Fat Goblin of a Safety Advisor and his Mentally challenged Son-in-law onto the Street. Not only that, I’d contact the Authorities about his blackmail attempt and have him tossed into Prison for extortion. That ungrateful swine will learn not to mess with me.

I calmly collected my Phone and smiled. “I’m sorry, Tony… I’ve just had one of those mornings, you know?”

“The sooner you cooperate, Mate, the sooner we can have you back in your office. I’m sorry to do this to you, Company Policy.” I could see the barely hidden sense of satisfaction, this was the smirk of a Man enjoying his revenge.

He could smirk all he wanted, but that smile was destined to be upside-down by lunch, I’ll make sure of that.

I finally made it to my office, after a long and gruelling narcotics test, I suspected mine was drawn out on purpose, all five of them were probably out having a Coffee and making jokes while I was confined to a filthy waiting room chair. The Redundancy Packages would be out next week, I planned on to endeavour to make sure the entire medic staff would not be around to see it. I was still traumatised from the finger-prints on the window and the neglected carpet floor. I guess I would hit my lay-off numbers after all.

I sat in my office, I grabbed my pen and repeatedly stabbed the neatly organised Papers that lay on my desk. I imagined them to be of my Safety Advisor’s fat arse. Lost in my own world of imagination and revenge I got a fright that nearly threw me from my chair as I heard Miranda’s voice.

“Mister Bloom?”

“What?” I snapped. Irritated I continued. “How many times have I told you, Miranda? Knock!”

“Tony wants a word with you, Mister Bloom.” She spoke.

“Tell that blob I’m busy!” I replied.

“He said it’s ‘Urg-gent’.”

“URGENT!” I angrily corrected her. “Honestly, Miranda, how can you just mispronounce a word you heard verbally less than five seconds ago?”

Tony politely pushed Miranda aside and gestured her to give us both a minute.

“Tony this is most unauthor…” I said.

“I’m sorry, Mister Bloom…”

“Sorry? I’m going to have your job for this you oversized ingrate!” I snapped.

“Actually, Klaus just given me yours, I’m sorry”. The Fat Man replied.

“WHAT?!?!” I screamed in the sudden shock. “How is that possible?”

Tony sighed. “You tested positive for a psychoactive substance called LSD!”

“You’re the one who’s tripping, Tony! Do I look like a f*****g drug addict?” I spoke. “And since when were you on first name terms with Klaus?”

“I contacted him this morning while you were in the waiting room, that’s why we took so long, we had to re-test the sample you’ve given. The Penalty is a mandatory termination and a lifetime ban, so we had to make sure this wasn’t a mistake.”

“YOU KUNIVING LITTLE TROLL! DID YOU TAMPER WITH MY SAMPLE OR DID YOU SPIKE ME LAST NIGHT!”

“Last night…” Tony sobbed. “I visited Mandy at the hospital, I was there until midnight, I’m afraid she’s taken a turn for the worst,” If I didn’t know that Weasel was lying to me, I would have bought those tears.

“Bravo!” I laughed. I clapped my hands. “Your acting is worth an Emmy! Now get out of my office!”

“I’ll ask Miss Hope to escort you out the Gate, Carl said you took a taxi, do you want me to arrange someone to drop you home?”

I was given no choice but to allow Miranda to escort me out of my own office, I turned around to flip Tony off one final time, that was it. My number was up, I’ve worked with the Company my entire life, my qualifications were only valid on Company property, I knew I would be jobless for quiet sometime, maybe I should have granted Tony that favour, but I was too afraid of what Klaus would do if he found out I’d kept Jeremy on after all of those incidents with his stupid name attached.

“If it makes you feel better, Mister Bloom, I’m taking Tony’s job. You’re looking at the new Safety ‘Advertiser’!”

I was in no mood to correct this poor, beautiful, semi-fluent Woman. After all, she’s had five years to learn her first language, now she was on her own. Shame I wouldn’t be around to enjoy the potential miscommunications and utter chaos, though on the plus I would not be at all legally responsible for the consequences.

A thought suddenly sparked to me, as I walked to the Gate, I turned to face Miranda and asked her, “How long did you know about Tony’s takeover coup?”

She waited for me to exit the Gate before I heard her reply.

Her voice sounded exactly like Peterson’s once did. “It’s amazing what you can do with a fat-suit, work-clothes and a good voice”. The same raspy, rural Australian accent. “Eh, Bloomy! You drank the Coffee and the LSD!” she laughed.

All of this time that simple Woman I hired was a cunning, corporate mastermind!

That B***h!

THE END

Author's Note

Thank you for reading. Please let me know what you think.

Reviews

[Julie McCarthy (juliesp..]

thanks for this and being so understanding on my late judging of my comp, good luck, judging today

[Julie McCarthy (juliesp..]

wow wow and several more i love this the humour the sattire of office management micro management bullying backstabbing canniving mistrust esp backstabbing lol was all there
i loved it i have a feeling you have experience in all of this at one time in your life or at least your heard about it from someone. even the way you describe the factory etc, and the way karma came back love it, good luck in my comp very clever write indeed

[EJ's Horror]

Thank you Juliespenhere, I haven't personally worked in a office or factory, but I have seen how damaging 'politics' can be to staff and production in workplaces. Sorry for the late reply