Come with Me

This one is shorter than my others, but I would like to get some honest opinions.

Come with me

I had lived for many years. I was born around 1908 and then World War one, where my parents were I had not known, they died somewhere in the horrid land of Europe.

There I remembered a barren wasteland, riddled with snow and bullets.

A British soldier had found me as I'd hidden in one of the dug out trenches

“Where is your Mother, little Boy?”

I felt the fear as my malnourished state, couldn't fight or flee.

“Come with me and I'll help you find them?”

We never did, but he was kind enough to take me in to his home, he and his wife could not bare children, so they adopted me.

During the horrid bombings of London, by those evil War-birds, I had became so frightened, my adoptive Mother went missing, and my adoptive Father was worried, but just gave me a gun and said “Stay here!”

Several months had passed, they did not return, but I stayed to help my friends rebuild the Great city that was torn asunder in the name of the Anti-Christ and his Aryan Daemons.

Then a beautiful, Woman who worked as a nurse had came to my aid, when I had foolishly stepped on a rusty shard of metal, that must have been from one of the bombers. She found me limping in the streets and her first words to me were, “Come with me,”

Ten years had passed, I had married the nurse and together we had left war-torn London and came over to Australia, there I'd worked on a Great Bridge and made a modest living, but I was able to build our family home.

Seven wonderful years had came to an end, when our Son had gone missing. We had not seen him for days, I had since summoned the Police to assist. The idea of him returning home was alive was very small. Then a knock came on the door and a Constable had entered. I heard him jest and say, “Come with me.”

We never had any other children, over the next twenty years the fate of our son had taken it's toll on my Wife, Twenty years of harsh misery she'd endured until she finally gave up, I'd wish we could of buried her next to our Son.

Thirty years, had came and went, I had lived alone in our family house that had remained broken and bare, I'd inject this magic needle into my veins, and it numbs the pain.

One day, I tripped so much, that I saw a beautiful Woman who was naked, except for a dark-cloak that covered her back, I saw her face and her eyes were hollow, like they were the eyes of a corpse. She layed out an egg timer that had already finished, I'd glared into the transparent-glass and I saw faces, the haunting faces of the rotted corpses of my birth, and adoptive parents. I also saw the living corpses of my Wife and Son.

She turned, so I pulled her by her cloak and begged her to take me with her, so I could reunite. She didn't speak, she only held her hands over her bare-breasts, after a minute, her palms which each cupped a black, disgusting looking liquid that could of only been lactated from her. Her hands then came together, she forced it into my mouth. She pointed to a stair case that appeared out of nowhere in my front yard, and ascended up them, she turned around and held her hand out. Her beautiful long hands bore strange long black finger-nails that beckoned me to follow. At last I heard those dreaded words again, “Come with me.”

THE END

Reviews

[JPDonelan]

Well, that was interesting, though I will say some work needs to go toward the writing. I'll note later some of the issues, but will say now that much of the story feels like summation and exposition. We see little in active, descriptive terms.
That said, I do feel there is a good basis and idea here. It just needs to be worked on some.
That said, some of the writing is a tad clunky. Some sentences feel like there are words missing. The second sentence goes from birth in 1908 to World War 1 six years later. We have no idea where the character was born, where he was found, and we only later find out where he was taken.

One detail I should note for my review is that any feedback I offer will be coming from the perspective of someone who writes/edits from a American english/grammar background.

Well, first thing I noticed was a repeat of the title at the top of the piece. If you meant that to serve as a title in body, than I would suggest centering it and, if possible, bolding it (assuming writerscafe permits). As it is now, it looks like an odd opening paragraph and could almost be mistaken for being part of the story.

You use the phrase "evil war-birds" (additional thought: don't believe war-birds needs to be capitalized, as it isn't a proper noun), which does work. But, in its function, there is room for a piece of alliteration. A word with the same meaning that would introduce a bit of this device would be "wicked." The result would be "wicked war-birds." Admittedly, the suggestion is just an idea and totally up to you to do with as you please. (On a similar note, the phrase "Great city" does not need the word "great" capitalized. Great is being used as an adjective, not a noun like in "Great Britain." This occurs frequently later in the piece where non-proper nouns are being capitalized, but I'm going to stop pointing them out or we'll be here all day.)

There are two instances where I'm uncertain about your use of the word "had." The first is the second word in what appears to be the first paragraph. I can't help but think that "have" would've functioned better here (have is multi-functional and is used as a past tense in first person). "I have lived for many years", would be the result and would suggest a continuation. Ultimately, double check the use on this one and make sure you are using the one you mean to.

I would suggest removing the "had" in the phrase "several months had passed", but otherwise leave the phrase alone (had shows up in other places where it is unneeded and even harmful to the story). Had in the sentence really lays on thick that what comes next is not a scene, but more exposition. This is one problem I have to denote with the story. Up until towards the end, very little feels like a scene, like we are seeing the character do something or suffer under the events he had limited control over. Details, actions, descriptions would add life to these sections. Exposition is alright, but shouldn't be your chief story-telling mode. Thinking on it, a lot of the piece feels like summary trying to rush us towards the end.

On a similar note, the lack of character details and what the character is doing as he recollects for use, the audience, his tale. When it comes down to it, we don't know the character, how he appears, how he acts. For all we know, the character could be a gelatinous blob. As for the character's "present", the final paragraph shows that. Having a character relate from beyond is a hazardous thing, as we have no idea why or how they do so. (There are so many nightmare considerations for first person that I, myself, haven't revisited the perspective since October.)

I'm sorry if I've come across as harsh, as that is not my intent. I will say that I rather liked the repeated use of the phrase "come with me," and thought that it was used nicely throughout. I also appreciated the manifestation at the end; I'm almost always a fan of the supernatural/fantasy/mythological story aspects.

To close, keep writing and keep striving to refine your skill in the craft. There is always more to learn and incorporate.

[EJ's Horror]

Thank you very much for taking the time to read what I've done. More so thank you very much for giving me a long review and going through everything, I really appreciate this, especially coming from someone of your background, I'm putting this on top of my pile to edit.
Don't worry, honesty is the reason I've uploaded it here on a site that has so many skilled and talented writers from all walks of life.

Thank you for your encouraging words to, I hope to improve all my flaws in literacy one day =)

[Tony Jordan]

You should be very proud of this. You wrote it with aplomb.

[EJ's Horror]

Thank you, Tony :) Though I do not know the definition of 'aplomb' haha

[Drew Harvey]

This was really incredible! You create very vivid images and hit the reader with some hard punches!
Thank you!

[EJ's Horror]

Thank you kindly, Drew :)

[Coyote Poetry]

A amazing story written. I liked the use of ancient time and realistic life. Old days. Life was hard and cold. I liked the characters and the situations you took the reader to. You create a life, good and bad day. A realistic ending left the reader with visions of understanding. Thank you for sharing the outstanding story.
Coyote

[EJ's Horror]

Thank you for your review, Coyote :)

[Coyote Poetry]

Was my pleasure and you are welcome.

[AcasualPawn]

Tragic story of cursed guy...........
He was borned lonely
In the start he was lonely and in the end he was lonely
He died lonely........

True depicts the famous phrase...

[EJ's Horror]

Thank you Death, I really appreciate you taking this time, I'm sure going to return the favor

[AYVID N]

I just loved this read. Though it is extremely sad, it is beautifully told. The catch-line enhances the effect and adds to the intrigue and magic. Looking forward to more such good reads.

[EJ's Horror]

Thank you Divya, I'm happy you liked it! :)

[AYVID N]

You are welcome. Thanks for the lovely read.

[Annette Pisano-Higley]

Wow, such a haunting, sad and tragic tale. Eloquent and beautifully written. Great form, flow, metaphor and use of repetition- "Come with me." Loss-respite-loss cycles repeating...Vivid nightmare imagery. Well-done!

[EJ's Horror]

Thank you, Annette. Your praise brings a smile to my face, I'm hoping to expand into creating more of that genre.

[Annette Pisano-Higley]

You're welcome and you have a great talent for this genre!

[EJ's Horror]

I hope so, because your comment just made my day :D