Floater

A child discovers an Unidentified Floating Object in his wading pool.

On July 7, 2006, little Jerry Benson discovered an organism floating facedown in his backyard wading pool. The creature eluded basic identification, as it lacked any features similar to the animals found in colorful picture books. Jerry, a bit of a scholar in the realm of children’s literature, was flabbergasted.

 

While simultaneously scratching his chin and itching his navel (with two different hands, of course), Jerry carefully considered his options. What would Scooby-Doo do, he wondered. Alas, all attempts at comprehension were momentarily dashed as the youth began giggling at the proximity of the surname “Doo” to the verb “do.”

 

Once he regained his composure, Jerry decided upon a course of action. With the aid of an exceptionally long stick, he tenderly yet purposely prodded the buoyant oddity. Cheerfully, he detected no signs of resistance, allowing his investigation to proceed unhindered.

 

Jerry bent down to his knees and leaned in close for a good look. The anomaly appeared to be composed of dark volcanic stone. Even simple Jerry recognized the inherent contradiction: when you throw a rock into water, it sinks. Yet somehow, this floater was, well, floating.

 

Lest the casual observer believe a comet, meteor or asteroid ended its trajectory in a child’s wading pool, please note that thin tufts of golden hair immodestly blanketed the hardened surface. And below the locks laid, well…

 

Here I must advise readers to excuse the crudity of the following comments. Pure scientific observations can not always be recorded modestly and with good taste. Any grandmothers or sophisticated English ladies are strongly encouraged to divert their eyes from their computer screens.

 

Below the locks laid what was unmistakably a buttocks. The excessively pink and rosy butt cheeks seemed completely at odds with their granite surroundings. If one were to sniff closely (and I presume that no one has the perversions required to do so), the faint whiff of diarrhea wafted from between them.

 

As you may have deduced, Jerry could not see the derriere from his initial vantage point. When another round of inquisitive poking caused the organism to shift in position, the fanny was revealed to the youngster in all its glory. And if you were surprised that “Scooby-Doo do” could make a boy laugh, then you will not be able to conceive of the merriment that an unsuspected anus can induce.

 

Indeed, it took several minutes for Jerry to breathe normally again. And it took a quarter of an hour before he could seriously proceed with his investigation. His next active interaction with the entity was to take the twig and stick it up the…heavens. Let me assure you: if the organism was alive, it most certainly would have reacted to that particular incursion.

 

After roughly extracting the stick, Jerry decided to share his discovery with his closest confidant: his mother. He ran into the house without wiping his feet on the mat and was nearly bowled over by Butler the family dog. While they had shared many adventures together, Jerry couldn’t expect the dim-witted pooch to appreciate this unprecedented wonder with any degree of faculty. After letting Butler outside to pee, he resumed his search.

 

Following an inspection of significant rooms, Jerry finally concluded that his mother was missing. He first suspected kidnapping or abduction before hazily recalling an uninteresting errand that was mentioned to him. Yes, that’s right. He was in the safe care of his observant older sister Kristen.

 

Jerry knocked politely on Kristen’s door. After an insulting lack of response, Jerry decided to take a more direct approach. With a reserved air, he proceeded to bang on the door and wail at the top of his lungs.

 

As anticipated, Kristen opened the door and harshly screeched at him. Ordinarily, Jerry would be quite distraught by his sibling’s agitation, but at the moment, there was simply no time for such trivial human emotions. Jerry pulled his sister by her hand and began describing to her the marvel he had seen.

 

Kristen was completely unenthused by her brother’s fervor. However, her typically snotty teenage behavior coated a heart with some affection for little children. Charitably, she presented the small Jerry with a compromise: if she came outside and saw the thing, then he would leave her the “heck” alone.

 

Jerry, a worthy adversary in any negotiation, shrewdly agreed to her terms.

 

The duo raced to the backyard with a keen purpose. En route, Jerry’s vision clouded over with daydreams of fame and fortune. Kristen would most certainly call Mom, who would call the Daily Gazette, who would call CNN, who would call the President. This news item would captivate the world’s attention for the rest of the day or perhaps the entire year. Little Jerry Benson would be more famous than Clifford the Big Red Dog, Elmer the Patchwork Elephant and Nigel the Socially Marginalized Trout.

 

When they emerged outside, Jerry had so many stars in his eyes that he was unable to comprehend the current circumstances for an eternity. The creature had vanished. It seemed impossible. Jerry was only absent for a few minutes. He pleaded with Kristen to help him search for the organism, but the humorless-as-ever sister passed on the invitation.

 

Jerry spent the following hours fruitlessly scouring the backyard. When his mother came home, she listened with marginal interest to his narrative. Ultimately, she decided that her son was tuckered out by his imagined experience and sent him to bed early.

That night, unobserved by all, Butler suffered an acute case of diarrhea.