Skipping Sleep

An inventor presents a miraculous discovery.

“First, I want to thank all of you for fitting me in to your busy schedule. This corporation has been responsible for a wealth of scientific revolutions, and today, I’ll be presenting the next breakthrough.

“Now personally, I hate sleeping. Every night, I have to remove myself from consciousness for eight hours (in theory, anyway). Sure, my batteries will be recharged, and I might have an exciting dream. But the renewed energy gradually dissipates, and the dream rapidly fades from memory. In the end, sleep is a time-wasting necessity providing transitory benefits.

“Studies show that a large number of people share my sentiments. They all complain that there aren’t enough hours in the day. That they’d get around to writing that novel if only they had more time. That they desperately want more time to spend with their families. That they don’t have the time to catch up on Mad Men or Breaking Bad or Glee or whatever amazing show is on TV this season.

“But even as we bemoan our lack of time, we’re willingly handing over a third of every day to nefarious sleep. If you live to be 90, you’ve slept away 30 years.

“That’s a lot of wasted time.

“Now, we certainly understand how to stave off sleep for a little while. The coffee drinkers and Red Bull guzzlers routinely kick fatigue to the curb. But crashing is inevitable, and when it comes, it comes hard.

“Theoretically, the best method is the Da Vinci Sleep Schedule. You nap for ten to twenty minutes every four hours, and just like that, you’re getting by on an accumulated two hours of sleep every day. Ultimately, this approach is impractical due to the strict adherence it requires. Due to the dramatic change in your body’s rhythms, the first few weeks are outright miserable, and most people (such as Seinfeld’s Cosmo Kramer and The Game’s Neil Strauss) never make it beyond them.

“So what’s the solution? How do we acquire that lost time while still satisfying our body’s need for sleep?

“Well, I’ve got an answer for you. Of course, it’s completely outside the bounds of feasibility, but people used to think those wireless communicators on Star Trek were impossible too.

“The secret is that we continue to sleep. Not just the standard eight hours, but for as long as we want. No more struggling to drag ourselves out of bed. We end our rest periods when we’re damn well ready.

“But our insanely long slumbers don’t happen here on Earth. No, no, no. See, I’ve discovered a pocket dimension that could be utilized specifically for snoozing. Using stylish devices resembling wristwatches perfect for people on the go, everyone can pop into the pocket and catch some shut-eye.

“This pocket dimension is completely empty, save for oxygen and a malleable surface suitable for forming beds. There’s no sight and no sound. Travel is impossible. If you want to sleep with a lover, you need to be firmly gripping each other in transit or you’ll never find each other. And if you want to indulge your desires…let’s just say that what happens in the pocket dimension stays in the pocket dimension.

“So people blip into the pocket dimension, sleep and then come back. Now here’s the best part. The pocket runs on a different time-scale than our world. A second here lasts a year over there. Understand? You can sleep for a full 24 hours over there and return to almost the exact instant you left. No more missing things for sleep!

“But wait, you say. If we still have to sleep, then we’re still losing time. Our bodies are still aging at the same speed. Factoring in the time our bodies spend in the pocket, we’ll only be alive on Earth for about sixty years.

“I suppose that’s true. And with the allowable extra sleep time, life durations could easily plummet to fifty-five years and lower. But wouldn’t you rather have sixty incredibly productive years than ninety lackadaisical ones?

“Right now, I’m working on a way to introduce a chemical agent to the atmosphere that would lend it a nullifying effect that negates human aging. Over there, men and women would be effectively immortal. They could spend three years in the pocket and still be the same age when they returned to Earth.

“I can tell by your faces that you’re all incredibly skeptical. Not to worry, I’ve brought along a prototype device for demonstration purposes. All I need to do is push this button and---“

The inventor disappeared from the room. He received a swell of applause. But then he didn’t return. He never did. Seems there were still a few bugs to work out.

The corporation forcefully acquired his blueprints and research. Their top men are now striving to recreate the device. If they can’t figure out how to bring people back from the pocket dimension, it’ll still have a place as a more humane replacement for the death penalty.