Blind Date from Beyond the Stars!

A man has a close encounter on the first date.

            David Whitman?

            “Yes? Oh! H-h-h-hi.”

            Is this the right place? I’ve never been to this part of the planet before.

            “Sure is. Waiter! Can I get a refill?”

            Are you feeling okay? You’re sweating.

            “I’m fine. Really. I just had no idea that you were, uh. Well, your dating profile was a little vague.”

            I hate those things. I always focus on my personality traits.

            “That’s for sure…”

         Do you find me unattractive?

         “No! You’re very…pretty. It’s just…those extra limbs.”

         What about them?

         “Nothing! They just…caught my attention.”

            Do you have a problem with my race?

            “No! Absolutely not! Some of my best girlfriends were…that’s not true.”

         You seem hostile.

“It’s just…my cousin was actually abducted a few years ago.”

            I’m sorry to hear that. We try not to do that sort of thing anymore.

“Right! You didn’t do it! Er, your race didn’t! Those others with the pig-noses. They did it.”

Ha ha! I like watching you squirm.

“So! I’ve kind of noticed that you’re not moving your…mandible-thing.”

That is correct.

“But you’re still talking?”

Telepathic projection.

“Interesting. Um, can you read my mind?”

Yes.

“Huh.”

Don’t worry. Everyone has those thoughts.

“Even…”

Especially those.

“Good to know. Say, what’s your real name? I’m assuming ‘Cindy Travis’ is fake.”

It’s unpronounceable by your tongue. But you may call me Queen.

“Queen? Queen of what?”

Anything you please.

“Ha ha! Waiter!”

What are your plans for this evening?

“Plans?”

How do you intend to pleasure me?

“Pleasure! Oh. Um, I thought we’d go see a movie.”

What sort of movie?

“Romantic comedy?”

What is that about?

“It varies from film to film. Usually, a guy and a girl fall in love.”

Do they have sex?

“What?”

Are we going to see two people have sex?

“I seriously doubt it. We’re not going to that kind of a theater.”

How dull. Could we just have sex?

“Excuse me?!”

It took my last suitor eight dates before he was primed for intercourse. I’d prefer it if we could just get it over with.

“I…I’m not against that.”

Fantastic. Are you particularly hungry? We could go do it right now.

“Sure! Yeah. Let me just pay for my drink.”

Wonderful.

“Say. I have a question for you, but this, ah, this might be a little delicate.”

I have nothing to hide.

“Great! So is there anything I need to know?”

In what sense?

“Does it…differ at all? From human sex, I mean.”

Not particularly. You stick your penile organ into my vaginal orifice. We reach a feverous intensity and explode into simultaneous orgasms. Then I bite off your head and implant my spawn in your lifeless body.

“Beg your pardon? What was that last part?”

It’s nothing personal. Just the reproduction method of my species. I actually need you to sign a few papers before we commence. Your human courts still aren’t entirely onboard with us.

“Whoa.”

I hope this is okay with you. It doesn’t look like you have a lot of prospects, anyway.

“I don’t know what to say.”

Please consider.

“How good is the sex again?”