Chapter 1

I want to sleep.

1

I lie awake in my bed. Something that happens far too often. I hate it and want the peace of sleep, but the force that keeps me from it during so many nights is holding me tightly again. I roll over to my right and glance at the alarm clock on my nightstand. 12:53 a.m. I roll back over and slam my face against my pillow with a grunt.

"Just let me sleep!" I yell in my head to the invisible force, but it doesn’t listen. It never listens. I’m not sure why it decides to keep me like this on so many nights. The annoying part is, I know I’m tired, and I know that my body craves sleep, but there’s something�"some reason this force keeps me up.

There are so many emotions that course through me on nights like these. Grief, loneliness, longing, love, sadness, anger, and sometimes even happiness. Though that one is usually followed by a big rush of one of the other negative ones. And love? That’s always followed by loneliness.

Based on that, it might seem like I’m lonely and have no love. But that’s far from the truth. I know my family loves me�"my parents, older brother, younger sister, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. I know they love me. I also have a best friend. I’ve known him my whole life, and the brotherly love we have is something I know a lot of people would kill for.

So I think again: why do I feel lonely?

It seems like I should be happy, ecstatic about my position, especially when I compare myself to other people’s situations. I know the answer, but I don’t want that to be the answer. I don’t want to want what I want. Every night, when this force keeps me awake, I tell myself I don’t need it. I tell myself it will come at the right time. Be patient.

But still, I think about it. I long for it. I hate it.

I have been in love. Only once. It was a couple years ago, and I was only fourteen. Looking back, I was just a stupid, delusional kid. I was blinded by the fact that another human being�"a real living girl with a working heart and brain�"actually liked me. Well, no. She didn’t. But she sure made it seem like it.

Or maybe she did. I don’t know. I don’t really care at this point. At least, I don’t want to.

But I do.

For some reason, I care. Even though I was young and stupid, I still relive the memories of my time with her over and over again in my head. What I should’ve done. What would’ve happened if I did it differently. How happy I would be if I had done it differently.

Despite these thoughts, I know that if she told me she wanted me back, I’d say no. I don’t want to be with her. I don’t want to think about her anymore. I don’t want to do it differently.

Stop.

Every time this force grabs hold of me, this is what happens. I think about her.

Just let me forget.

I glance at the clock again. 1:03 a.m. I roll over onto my right side, facing the nightstand. I reach out, grab my phone, and start scrolling. Sweet release. Everything is okay. I’m so happy. My problems are gone.

4:00 a.m.

I stare at the numbers at the top of my phone for a couple seconds before they register in my mind.

"So stupid. So dumb. Literally no point. You gained absolutely nothing from that," I scold myself in my head. Again.

The invisible force wins. Again.

"I hate you."