Waves

This is the original "Waves," reverted from the new version because this is conveys my frustration a little better - it's organized while it isn't. If you've read both I'd love to hear which you think is better.

Toss me back and forth,

pull my ship in every direction

I'm just here for the ride and

I like your lack of discretion

 

I don't know if an iceberg

will soon be in my path

I just have to keep my eyes open

 

The water's mostly nice, if a little cold cold cold

And every once in a while it splashes right up in your face

The drops kinda make everything look funny for a minute

But then you can see the water ahead again

 

It doesn't look so bad from out here

 

It doesn't look so bad from out here

 

On land you can't be this free

Jumping in was the only way to see

 

Author's Note

In concurrence with Max's opinion, I reverted to the original. The newer watered down version (no pun intended, seeing as it is called waves) is saved under Waves (Alternate)

Reviews

[~amanda~]

i read this and the original version... and i can say that both are superior pieces of work. there is so much artistry in your words... truly a delight to read. someone made the comment that the original seemed more pure, and i beg to differ, the original seems very organic, but this is more polished... both have tremendous appeal to me. great job!

[Maxwell M.]

hmm, not so sure i like the revision to be honest. there was something about the original that really came across as being more pure or unadulterated. i still thoroughly enjoy it..but i think it was fine as is.

that being said if you're liking this version more, i suggest a couple minor changes..they go as follows

3rd line, 2nd stanza-Try to throw that head back and laugh, could be "and try to throw my head back and laugh." seems like it would have better fluidity.

4th line, 3rd stanza-But once you can see the water ahead, you wanna, you wanna, you wanna jump in it. could be "But once you can see the water ahead, you wanna, oh you wanna jump in it." i know you're wanting to keep continuity with repeating "you wanna" with the "cold" at the beginning, but it sort of drags the line along. simplifying and cutting it back will kind of tie it up.


and give me a review or two! lol

[Maxwell M.]

theres a feeling of great sadness and want i get from this buddy. mentioning if an iceberg were in the path, and then later jumping in to see..its as if a suicidal thought is kinda being tossed around. good read though. i really like the last two lines in the first stanza.