Before Metaphors

Before the metaphors and metal forged

I sat ignored and lonesome

alone and broken

Groanin' in an ocean of token defeat

rote motions

dead feet

My feats retreat

bleeding dreams and fleeced sheep

eaten lacking wheat

a sheath for elite meat treats and bleep heaps

Driven deeper steeper

hear her cry when satellites fly

I sit outside and mind my own business

but in this bees nest I'm best before checks in reality

I'm a liability

to the masks of sentimental sentinels

brandishing fundamental finality on the mantle of rivalry

Sodden grease and I follow she

all of me

falling free

solemn freeze

I'm free-falling asleep 

Author's Note

Enjoy...!

Reviews

[An owl on the moon]

This is extraordinary. The form and flow feel both ancient and yet alive in the moment... and there is a movement to your thoughts that feels like water, sometimes the peaceful stillness of it... sometimes the rushing madness of it. So well done.

[apennylate]

A very pleasant view, Owly-Moon... I so much appreciate your take on the brushings of the muse...read moreA very pleasant view, Owly-Moon... I so much appreciate your take on the brushings of the muse...
Thank you

[.]

I like it when the poem has been occasionally rhymed. It sounds great when read aloud. It's appreciably very good word choice. :)
Keep writing! I hope to get in touch soon.
Good Luck!

[apennylate]

Thanks you, Aurora...!
Although I might add it rhymes a bit more than "occasionally"...
Hah

[.]

Then I expect more from this poem, I'd love to read when it becomes a whole rhyme. :)

[apennylate]

I also expect more from myself...!
But... It IS a whole rhyme...
AS IS...
I am sorry, not to argue, just confused on what you mean

[.]

I am sorry, maybe I mistook something.😅

[apennylate]

Nono, I think I did! :p
Haha, I just wanted to help clarify if you thought something was wrong! I am totally sorry, you are perfect!

[.]

I mean, there are some lines that don't rhyme with any other lines in the entire poem. But it actually sounds good that way, I realized better after reading it again. So there's nothing that I want to point out, sorry for worrying you unnecessarily.
Another thing, I like it that you attend all of your reviewers so deliberately. :).

Keep Writing!

[apennylate]

Oh, I appreciate that very much, Aurora!
I totally get what you mean now!
"Traditional" poetry will usually follow some sorta format...
Like:
AAbbCCddEE
AAbbAAbbAA
AbAbAb

But we can REALLY rhyme however we want!
So if I use a string of internal rhymes, like...

"I'm a liability for the masks of sentimental sentinels brandishing fundamental finality on the mantle of rivalry..."

I will want to have a phrase or some words that "pop-out" from my normal rhyme-sounds, like...

"I sit outside and mind my own business..."

When using internal rhymes, especially strings of them together on ONE line, it can be advantageous to your overall "sound". If you don't necessarily follow a "format", but track syllable count and "breath"
That means we can not worry about what lines end how, and just write for the INTERNAL rhyming....
Thanks so much for clarifying!
A pleasure to talk with you, and I like when people are deliberate!

Treat those how you wish to be treated

Keep writing as well!

[gram linski]

Great buzzing sound as I read it out loud, echoes of past words clashing with those to come, sweet damaged lost dreams, lol if you liked Kerouac check out English punk poet John Cooper Clarke,

[apennylate]

I went straight to him... Learning a lot...
Pure beast mode of a man, lol
"buzzing"read moreI went straight to him... Learning a lot...
Pure beast mode of a man, lol
"buzzing"
I quite like that
Cheers and thanks

[NotUsinganymore]

Very interesting combinations of words.I enjoyed it a lot. c:

[apennylate]

Very interesting take on my combos, thanks muchly, JungLee
Very much appreciated

[barleygirl]

Ah-ha! This is a great riffing rhyming bit of creativity! I love it when the emphasis is well-balanced between the word play & the message conveyed. You craft some great sounds & word combinations. That first line is a toe-grabber of an opening . . . and "sentimental sentinels" & much more. Your poem took me tip-toeing thru the pot plants, sniffing that distinctive scent (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[apennylate]

You would be a happy lady in my personal library of thousands of poems ranging from 1-2 pages long...
Only share a small bit of it, though...
I make a lot more sense and go much deeper for stuff I have saved for what I would hope is worth a bit of monetary chop...

HOWEVER...

This was a definite attempt with my best hand behind the wheel at the time of making...

Glad you liked it, and pot plants...

I am tip-toeing through my pipes...

Strawberry...

Thanks, Barley...
I strive to always keep up with what i perceive to be genius around me, and you are one of those...!
Keep atttt itttt

[Robert Trakofler]

when I think of forge in metal I think of the anneal and the carbon crucible carbon is most everything we are all carbon based entities and we will return to it again. I think of how little molecules of carbon strengthen, sharpen and fold into the metal creating a greater comprise. This poem reflects this in your lines the change of understandings painful or joyful in the open eyes of the writer creating a new observation or meaning in your free falling sleep musings. Thats what the bunny sees.....:) lovely lovely natural cadence and flow and delicious use of words

[apennylate]

The bunny is a savant... I am merely a poor poet who clings to his carbon-based desires as fervently as one can...
A VERY interesting take on the before times of mind set free...
If only I had such impeccable ways of summing up my own writing... Cheers, and thanks so much...

[Robert Trakofler]

LOL just reread this and I'm sticking to what I said it is you! I love your love of words it is so apparent in this

[Karmee]

very awesome! I enjoyed this write a lot. it holds emotions.

[apennylate]

Thanks, it does hold a few of those, I suppose. I hope it does not hold 2 tightly, however...

[Relic]

You always did have a knack for keeping gripped to every word to find out where it leads. haha

Nice one, Silente.

[apennylate]

Thanks, budz... An oldie, but goodie... I would LIKE to think I have honed that knack since this write... But most likely just wishful thinking

[lightsong]

when words fail to tell what we are feeling and dealing inside, we stand in-front of the countless metaphors around us in life trying to find something to be expressed out from it, even if it might be like a mask that we hide our real emotions and story behind it, here I see Your bleeding transformed into something greater, empathy, the empathy for Your loved one and her pain, the stage of empathy when You forget Your own pain and just feel hers, though this might be even more painful but it's also kind of free You from You, and at the end I can sense the point when You reached even more higher forgetting all that pain and just rejoice in the bliss of Your lost love, like always You have such a unique style and rhythm that might be more excellent to my humble mind.

[apennylate]

D'aw... Thank you so much, Light. You always humble me with your take on my writing... Can not wait to see what you have written while I was away!