Daisy

Igniting the way a shade of light lights the face of lighter tidings, smaller whinings in the dark, stark fumblings in a park.

 Stop and start, lying still, her start and go heart rate accelerates drastically.

 A gel pill dated by a rascal hassles her tassels, has less than tables served for nickels earned, that rascal burned through all her coin; through all the voices in her head saying don't be turned away from graceful slathering.

 A tale of gathering woeful ailments abstractly, ad-lib crazy, exactly.

 Yes.

 No.

 Maybe...

 "Yes that a-way", says the master with tails wrapped around Daisy's deadly hide-a-way. 

Sapped faster of razed singularity, a depth of depravity wavers, savors the ingenious aroma of genius philosophy.

 Layered stones around Daisy's tighter place, stoned moanin' higher paced

Reviews

[Annette Pisano-Higley]

My head is running around with this- the beat and musicality and flow of it has taken over my brain-Ha! Driving Miss Daisy to distraction with those "gel pills" until her tassles hassle-...Whaaaat?! I smell the genius aroma of ingenius philosophy" here for real..Excellent Wordage, imagery, all-"Yes, that a-way!" Exactly.

[apennylate]

Ooohhh... You found Daisy... One of my more loved creations... She certainly has some tough times befall her, hah... Exactly... Thanks for the crazy unique review, like always, Annette

[andrew mitchell]

this is fast paced, unique like a runaway train of thoughts. very good!

[apennylate]

Thank you, Andrew... A unique review, and it ran away with my thoughts as well... Hah...

[Maria]

intense very intense and well written. Loved it

[apennylate]

An intense review, Maria, and much appreciated... Thank you...

[Maria]

Your welcome Silente. Enjoy your writing.

[apennylate]

You as well...!

[Maria]

Thanks! that is very encouraging

[boygene borice]

very beautiful and great work. i love the choice of your word :)

[apennylate]

Thank you, BB... Appreciated...

[Hope]

Another great work:)
Your choice of words make perfect sense with the intended content. So the combination is flawless compared to works where words are great with little meaning.
Keep writing:)

[apennylate]

Hah, thank you, Neetha... I really love Daisy, she is a tricky gal, though... I shall, you as well...!

[Hope]

Haha....You rock:)

[apennylate]

Not as much as you rock...!

[Hope]

Agreed, poet:)

[Neville]

There is something here I quite like & certainly enjoyed

[apennylate]

There is something I certainly enjoyed about your words, Neville... Thank you kindly...

[MsJewel]

You are a master at wordplay. I must admit some of it is a little difficult for me to understand, but I do think you are a terrific writer with some brilliant ideas. :) Julie

[apennylate]

"Master"...? You humble me, Jewel... I believe everyone is entitled to a unique perception on another's work... What you understand, is exactly what you should take from it, and I am so grateful to hear you enjoy it... Thank you...

[Rynn]

"Igniting the way a shade of light lights the face of lighter tidings, smaller whinings in the dark, stark fumblings in a park." - There's a few grammar things I noticed here that made the piece a bit hard to read. I think you need to either add a comma or a period after 'way'. My suggestions:

"Igniting the way. A shade of light lights the face of lighter tidings, smaller whinings in the dark, stark fumblings in a park."

Consider using a different word for lights. Saying "light lights the way." is not only redundant but also makes the sentence difficult to read. Maybe do some consideration in the area of word choice. (suggestions: "light paves the way", "light illuminates the way.")

"Stop and start, lying still, her start and go heart rate accelerates drastically." - again, I see what you're trying to do with the sounds of words, but it does not, in my opinion, make it fluent to read. I would suggest finding synonyms that aren't the same word. using 'start and go' twice makes me feel like I'm just going to be reading the same things over and over.

"A gel pill dated by a rascal hassles her tassels, has less than tables served for nickels earned, that rascal burned through all her coin;" - this is what I mean. This line here was very well done. If you did use the same word/context more than once, you spaced it out well enough to where it didn't sound repetitive.

"A tale of gathering woeful ailments abstractly, ad-lib crazy, exactly." - be a little careful when dealing with abstractions. Don't lose the meaning in the rhyme scheme or rhythm of the piece.

"Yes.
No.
Maybe...
Yes that a-way", says the master with tails wrapped around Daisy's deadly hide-a-way." - I got a tad lost here. Is the pieces fundamental purpose to tell a story or express emotion? I can't say that I follow.

"Sapped faster of razed singularity." - I have no idea what is meant here. I can read the words but the grammar throws me off. Eroded faster of uniqueness?

" Layered stones around Daisy's tighter place, stoned moanin' higher paced" - is this meant to be a nonsense piece? I felt this line was meant sexually, but again, I don't know who daisy is and what the piece is meant to accomplish.

Overall, I think you have a good way with words, I just felt the piece was incredibly hard to follow. It was interesting in a nonsensical perspective but logically, I had to stop and read a lot of the lines over again. I would consider getting rid of a lot of the redundancies. Make sure you know what you're trying to say. Obscurity can be good in poetry, but not so much that the piece looses the audience. Thank you for the read, Write on.

-Rynn

[apennylate]

Thanks, Rynn, I will keep your advice and insight in keen mind... Truly, going out of ones way to give such thoughtful criticism, and polite to boot... Absolutely a pleasure to read and think about the wisdom lain out here... It is indeed difficult to follow, and my obscurity is riddled with redundancies... Will focus on tightening things up... Was a pleasure reviewing your critique...

[Rynn]

I absolutely look forward to more of your work.

[Richard McLin]

A gel pill dated by a rascal hassles her tassels, has less than tables served for nickels earned, that rascal burned through all her coin; through all the voices in her head saying don't be turned away from graceful slathering.

Love this part. This whole thing just flows easily and makes me read it repeatedly. Great job on a fantastic piece.

[apennylate]

Thanks, Richard, means a lot to hear such things from such a talented writer...

[Richard McLin]

Of course.

Thank you.

[h d e rushin]

I love the assonance in the beginning which beckons us to reason with the recumbent parts of daisy's; the part that most love poetry supinely forgets to mention. That love poetry is all about the comparison of promises. The ending was both rhythmic and wanting......beautifully written....dana

[apennylate]

An even more beautifully written review, Thanks so much, H.D.E...