Dark Secrets

something i'm working on...

 

Deep dark secrets

Hidden from the world

Does anyone really ever know me

Or do I hide myself from them too well?

 

I’m terrified of what lurks in the dark

Of what’s hiding under my bed

And the feelings of being watched I always have.

 

I have an obsession with polka dots

But profusely claim to hate them.

 

Hang from every word people say about me

But only the negative are remembered and taken as the truth.

 

Sometimes I fudge the truth to make myself feel better.

 

I often feel the urge to do things my mother would never have approved of

And my father would kill me for.

 

I sometimes hate my mom.

I most of the time despise my dad.

 

I have a terribly soft spot accents,

Mostly French and English.

 

If someone makes me mad

There are many people I wish would follow me

If to apologize or just yell more

It doesn’t matter.

Author's Note

something i'm working on... any concrit (on the first few lines mostly) are more than welcome... and anything after that just comments (or concrit works too) work well and would love to hear what you people have to say.

Reviews

[Emily Rose]

Ah, the self-searching poem - almost a rite of passage for the aspiring poet. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think you should nix the first stanza altogether. That same sentiment, while true for many people, has been beaten to death so much that it doesn't hold as much meaning when it's placed in simple terms. I you'd be better off starting with the next to lines of the poem, which seem much less generic and more personal to you. (However, there should be a comma after "dark" and possibly also after 'bed" although that one's optional.)

I really like the lines about polka dots - they come out of nowhere and surprise and intrigue the reader (though there also should be a comma after "dots"). The next stanza after that confuses me very much because it is not a complete statement (it lacks a subject). Do you mean "I hang from every word people say about me?" And what kind of "hang" - do you mean that the words of other people choke you like a noose, or do you hang ON to the words that people say about you? From your next line I would guess that it's the latter. (As with the last stanza, you need to add another comma after "me.") The line "Sometimes I fudge the truth to make myself feel better" stands out because it's a confession that's rather hard to make for people to make to themselves (even though it's true of most people).

In all honesty I really think that you should nix your last stanza, too. Once again you're telling us, not showing us, what your emotions are, and that can be tedious to read. You haven't told us WHY you hate your mother and despise your father, nor has anything in this poem given us any indication that you were going to take the poem in that direction. Thus, I really don't think it's necessary. Like your first stanza, a lot of people can relate to it, but it's been done to death so saying it seems rather hollow.

Good luck revising and completing this!

[holly]

A pattern I see in your writing, CM, is the use of several words where one will do beautifully. And I believe with all my heart that you have that power to select the right words. There were things in this poem that made me smile and take notice. The lines about the polka dots have a real hook in them and the last stanza is smashing. When looking at this poem, or any poem, ask your self "Is this line original or have we heard it over and over?" Some phrases will suggest themselves as candidates for removal in this way. When I starting writing I used phrases like 'deep dark secrets , hidden from the world" and was told that, since everyone in the world had heard or used them they didn't help my poem. What I've found in writing is that what you take out of a piece is nearly as important as what you put into it. You've made yourself the narrator in the poem, so you're going to have to reach deep and haul yourself into a new and brighter light, so the reader feels and sees with you.

[Kyle]

i think that this poem is somewhat personal for you and you have mastered
the dialouge really well, but i would just like to see more of an emotional
quality come out of this poem. i know you have an excellent use of imagery and
i would like to see more of that in this poem, i would also like to see more of a
connection between the poem and you. i know this is still a work in progress
so i will suggest some things to change below.

(my critisisms are in capital letters)

Deep dark secrets

Hidden from the world

HAS anyone EVER TRULY known me

Or do I CONCEAL myself from them too well?



I'm terrified of what lurks in the dark

Of what's hiding hiding under my bed

And the feelings of being watched I always have.



I have an obsession with polka dots

But profusely claim to hate them.

(put another secret here)


I Hang from every word people say about me

But only the negative are remembered and taken as ACCURATE.

Sometimes I MANIPULATE the truth to RELIEVE THE PAIN.

to make myself feel better



I often feel the urge to do things my mother would never have approved of

And my father would kill me for.



I sometimes hate my mom.

I most of the time despise my dad.
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i think the rest is fine and that the last few stanzas are really powerful!!!
thanks!