Saviors

Just a little life experience/ personal opinion I wanted to write about because of some recent happenings. May have some grammatical errors as I typed it on my phone.

Let me start off by saying I am not a religious person in any way. I do not believe in a higher power or any type of god simply because I believe the idea to be too far fetched. I do, however, believe in fate. I never thought too much about the idea of fate until one day I heard and explanation of fate so clearly understandable it seemed like it should be scientific fact. I heard the explanation on an episode of Game Grumps of all places. Arin asked Dan if he believed in fate and Dan said yes. His explanation was basically that at any given time period in your life you have access to only certain information. Therefore, if you were to revisit a period in your life you would still only have the same information available, therefore your course of action would not change. It really makes perfect sense! But what's the point of me explaining this?

Well, to go along with their fate I believe everyone in this world is born with a certain pre-programmed "job". I use the term job loosely because I don't really mean only a money making job or a career, however in some cases they may lead to profit. For example, there are those who are naturally gifted athletes, those who seem born and sculpted for a certain sport. There are natural born singers who were born with the voice of an angel. Then, there are the nor complicated birth jobs. The one I feel I fit into and the one I plan to focus on is a group I like to call " The Saviors". Now most people think hero when they hear the word savior and those in this category can be considered just that. Firemen, policemen, soldiers all of those can be called saviors. I, however, want to talk about a less acknowledged group of saviors, the one in which I identify myself. These are the ones who are the listeners, the ones who seem to have unending forgiveness and love. Those willing to take someone's life burdens onto their shoulders and do all that they can to move that person along even if it comes at their own expense. It may seem like the easiest type of savior, but that statement could not be further from the truth. I have realized that recently as the problems people confide in me become more complex.  I should begin by saying that all my life, ever since I was a child I have felt an instinctual push to help other living things. I would help old folks with their groceries or deliver things for them. If there was a bug in my house I would catch it and let it live instead of squashing it.  However, as I finish out my teen years I've found myself drawn to those with problems closer to anxiety, depression, broken homes, and drug problems as if it were fate itself. I cannot turn away those in need. I've made myself broken fiscally and emotionally for those I feel I must help. I have found myself usually involved with helping girls, not for the fact that I am a boy and expect anything to come from it simply for the fact that seeing a girl of any type cry shatters me. It's a sight I dont enjoy seeing. I dont want praise. I dont want glory. I just want to share the stories of those I seemed to have had an impact on and they have had an impact on me. I want to bring about the fact that no matter who or where you are, there will always be a savior nearby in disguise waiting to listen and assist.

The first girl whose story I would like to share is a girl who I shall refer to as Roxy for the sake of privacy. Roxy and I met in middle school at a band competition I was a bit of a loner back then and she saw me alone and decided to come sit by me and try to get me to speak. Now normally, I would have just stayed quite until the person left but I felt something different about this girl. She was different then anyone else I knew. She had that scene-ish alternative style that stuck out that I would later learn would be my preference for life. But back to the story. So for whatever reason I decided to talk to Roxy and we hit it off quite nicely. Fate struck again that night, as we somehow ended up on the same bus back to the school. It was late, somewhere between 9-10. I was walking back to try to find a seat with the few friends I did have when I felt a strong pull jerk me into a seat. Figuring it was one of my friends, I was shocked to turn around to see Roxy’s face. I was even more shocked at how determined she was to get me to sit with her. Having never really had a girl this into me I wasn’t sure how to react. My shy instinct was to try to get up but she forced me to sit. We got to know each other a bit while the buses loaded up. On the way home something truly strange happened. Roxy fell asleep. But not in the usual way a kid falls asleep on the bus. The one where there head is against the window with one arm struggling to keep it from falling forward. She fell asleep with her head on my shoulder. I didn’t know what to do. I sat stone still the entire way home because she looked so peaceful and happy, I had no intention of waking her. When we got back and got everything unloaded it was time to part ways. However, something strange happened again. I lived close to the school so I planned to walk home. She lived a bit further and so she was going to wait for a ride. As I was leaving the building, I again felt the same tug as soon as exited the door. Sure enough, it was Roxy once again. She wanted me to wait with her. Again, I couldn’t turn her down. We sat under the single light of the awning. It was a bit of a cold night and she began to snuggle in close the same way she had on the bus. Finally I got the courage to nervously ask her why she was being this way towards someone she had just met. She explained that she wasn’t sure. She told me that she would have never slept leaned on a person she had never met or snuggled up to them the way she did to me except for the fact that something about me made her feel safe and comfortable. I didn’t really understand it and neither did she. Before the conversation could go any further her ride showed up and I walked home puzzled but happy. In the coming months Roxy and I would talk more and more, and she would slowly but surely begin to pry me out of my defensive shell of timidness. Eventually, we became lovers. Her house was within walking distance of mine. Well, every house was within walking distance when you live in a small town. I was there every day and we would just sit and talk in the same spot. The more we fell in love the more she began to reveal to me problems that she swore she would never tell anyone. From depression and self harm to being raped she confided all of it to me because she once again told me how safe she felt with me. She told me that ever since I came a long she had felt no need to self harm and felt no depression. I later came to realize that it wasn’t because of me or my personality or anything. It was because of some special connection that made her feel safe enough to finally lift the burden of secrecy and pain from her chest. Then unfortunately, as with most young love, it came to an end. We broke up and she moved away and her life took an unfortunate turn for the worst. Our contact slowly became less frequent. She fell in the wrong crowd and her life slowly was consumed by violence and drugs. The rare contact we did have was her either in rehab, a random party, or somewhere she happened to find a wifi signal. A lot of those times she was angry. Not at me just at the world. Sometimes of course it was lashed out towards me, but no matter what was said I couldn’t bring myself to ever be mad at her or stop worrying about her every moment. I loaned her money and advice whenever she asked. Now Roxy is slowly but surely getting her life back in order and we keep in touch occasionally as I like to check in to make sure she doesn’t need anything.

The second instance is a girl whose name shall be Red. Red and I’s relationship was also a product of the random curves of the strings of fate. Red and I met on Facebook of all places. But that isn’t the strange part. The strange part is that there should of been no reason for us to ever meet. She was younger than me. We had none of the same friends. Yet again once we started to have conversations and I asked about it she just told me something drew her to me.  We started to hit it off really quickly, making each other laugh and such. We grew closer and closer that summer and finally again we took the leap into a relationship. We were together everyday whether it be at her house or a restaurant on what became our regular Saturday night dates. As we fell deeper and deeper in love she began to tell me about her anxiety attacks and battles with depression. Again her reasoning for telling me was the same as Roxy’s. She felt a strange safety around me. They had both never told anyone else their secrets before so what made me so different? Red struggled and struggled and it tore me apart to see her like that. Finally, I begged her to tell her family what was going on. After pleading with her she finally told me that she trusted my judgement and wrote a letter to her parents explaining how she felt and now she has what she needs to win her battles with anxiety and depression.  Red and I fell deeper and deeper in love. She was everything I could ask for in a girl. She was also of the scene-ish alternative type. I think the reason I like her so much is for that reason. She is different and I really like that. She’s distinct and unique and that only made me fall for her even harder. She accepts me for who I am not and surprisingly loved my nerdy mannerisms and speech. I have no conclusion to the Red saga because no conclusion has been reached. She has done to me things most people would automatically use as a reason to walk away yet I cannot seem to pull myself away from her. Although we technically broke up you would never know it by looking at our conversations. We are currently just two lovers on a break more than likely destined to end up together again.

The last story I plan to share is one about a girl who I honestly can’t really think of a code name for. This girl and I were friends in grade school as were our sisters. They are both good girls with kind hearts. This girl and I had a relationship once if you can even really call it that. We awkwardly dated for roughly a week before we decided being friends was the better way to go. Unfortunately, her sister was tragically killed in a car accident. After the incident her life began to spiral downhill. She started hanging around the wrong crowds, doing drugs and alcohol at various parties, things of that nature. She eventually dropped out of school. It was an unfortunate thing to happen to such a wonderful girl. We lost contact for a long while. One day we randomly got back in touch and she asked if I could loan her money for a ticket. Normally, anyone else would say no way we barely talk, but again, my passion to help wouldn’t let me turn down the request. Again, we lost contact for years. Finally, we have began to speak more as she works on getting her life back on track. She heavily regrets her choices she made which saddens me deeply that she has no way to change them. However, I feel happier now that she feels that same connection that makes her feel secure in telling me anything and everything.

A savior’s duties are difficult ones. Not just fiscally, or physically although they can be both of those. The main trouble is the mental part. The stories you hear and the images you imagine can begin to wear away at you. Most nights are restless in worry, staying up to make sure that no one calls in a panic from something as big as being kicked out to as small as having a nightmare. The nights they do sleep sometimes are filled with graphic nightmares of those helped  doing exactly what they told you in their stories. Countless times I have awoken from nightmares of bloody bathrooms in which sits a loved one with a razorblade and shredded wrists. Relationships can be strained by paranoia of whether they’re in it for your love, or if they’re in it for your help. However it is a burden that is offset by the positive of knowing that you helped someone in a major step towards a better life.

As I bring this to a close I hope for two things. Number one being that I hope none of this came off as arrogant or egotistical like I am claiming to be some godsend or anything like that. I just like to help people in need. It’s an undeniable urge I have felt since I was a young boy. Number two is I hope this raises awareness of other saviors and that other saviors will somehow see this and realize that they are not alone. In the world we live in today people tend to feel like they have nobody. That belief couldn't be farther from the truth. Somewhere nearby there will always be a savior. They may not be in plain sight and it may be someone completely unexpected but they are out there and they are willing to put everything on the table to help whoever needs it.

Author's Note

Please ignore any grammar, punctuation, or spacing mistakes as this was jotted down quickly on a smartphone. Any comments or questions are greatly appreciated.