RegretsA Story by DustinA short thing about a male fighting his inner desiresJoshua was a good man by most standards, with two beautiful children and a wife who doted on him constantly. He went to church ever Sunday and Wednesday like a obedient Christian, paid his bills on time, and was never late to an event that required his attendance. He wouldn't lay a hand on his children in the name of punishment, and twice a month brought his wife flowers to brighten her day. So how was it he found himself in his current predicament? If Father Malcolm saw him now, he'd be crossing himself and ordering Joshua to repent for his sins. The sin of the day being the man whose embrace he found himself in quite often, today being one of those occasions. Yes, Joshua was a gay man, trapped by societal and religious standards to live a life full of regret and inner turmoil. Though that was the last thought on his mind as his partner pressed their lips together in a passionate show of emotion. The mans' name was Carter, and he was the light that drew Joshua like a moth to a flame. The only place where he felt he could be even remotely true to himself was the times they spent together, laughing and playing like a bunch of lovestruck teenagers. He didn't care if he was destined for hell; he had come to that realization over time. He did care, however, that it would affect his family. He didn't wish to lose his two girls; the love he felt for them knew no bounds. He respected his wife too; she was a good woman who did her best to always provide a happy home for the family. She cooked, cleaned, did her wifely duties, and always with a bright smile and a happy demeanor. He wondered if she ever, even for an instant, felt trapped as he did by what they had created. He knew without a doubt she would be shocked, and maybe even appalled, if she could see into his inner desires and knew his dark secret. He truly hated himself at times; how easy the lies came to his lips and the trust he didn't deserve from his family and community for his misgivings. He had been raised strict Christian, the belief of homosexuality being a sin beyond forgiveness since he was a young boy. He had spent decades fighting himself, punishing every glance he made in a mans' direction with harsh self mutilation that no one but Carter knew of. He thought of these moments as he carassed the top surgery scars across Carters chest, curling into the embrace offered in order to hide his saddened expression. It was even more of a taboo that his current love was not just a man, but a trans-male who had undergone surgery and hormones. Joshua often felt envy that Carter chose to live his life without allowing the world to dampen his truth. Meanwhile, Joshua was due home soon to see his family and go forward faking another night of bliss with the mask of who he pretended to be while suffering silently. Carter dragged him from his inner musings with another kiss placed upon his forehead. "Are you okay, love?" He didn't respond for a moment, instead choosing to word his reply carefully. "Do you think Mira would hate me if she knew?" His words were soft-spoken, mumbled against the torso he was curled into. "She would be upset, yes. I think in time, she'd want you happy though. It must be exhausting." Joshua nodded, sniffling as he fought the tears coming to pool in his eyes. He often wondered how a love so pure and kind could be considered a sin. How so many people hated without thought something different to the point Carter had dealt with constant harassment in his lifetime as a out of the closet trans-male who was homosexual. Those people knew so little of their lives, and passed judgement based on pure ignorance. They never made an effort to know anyone gay, to see who they were beyond their sexuality and gender. Instead, because of a book, he had come to loathe who he was. No matter how much good he did, it didn't seem to erase the fact that in the eyes of his community he would be considered disgusting and evil. That fear was often at the forefront of his mind; he wasn't strong enough to deal with the outcome of losing his parents, his family, the life he had built. He knew it was unfair to Carter, a man who deserved to be loved fully in the spotlight and not hidden in the shadows of regret and doubt. What kind of life could he offer when he couldn't even accept himself. It wasn't right to cheat, to deceive, to hide, but he knew nothing else. © 2023 DustinAuthor's Note
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