I might be a lesbian with a cis male boyfriend plus a story inbetween

I might be a lesbian with a cis male boyfriend plus a story inbetween

Well, I have a boyfriend now but I might be too gay for him. I can't figure it out. I can't tell if I'm avoidant or gay or scared or what. He's really nice, and really there for everything and let me tell you. I've put him through the wringer. I don't know, I might be one of those people who romanticizes being mentally ill because I got nothing else going on, or maybe it's because I was emotionally neglected as a child. Technically.

 I don't really care about any of that stuff anymore. I'm 26, I'm a little over processing my childhood at least right now. I had to do a lot of it recently and I'm spent. There's that too, burnout? also? I really don't think it matters too much, like, yeah. It affects the way I show up so it's important for me to know my past and why I'm reacting the way I am so I can do better. But also, I don't wanna get caught up in it. 

So I guess there's a balance. 

Anyways. I'm gay, or I wanna be gay but I'm scared. I must be gay if I think about it this much. I just wanna live on a farm doing art with a beautiful trans woman or man or someone really gay. I wanna hot genderqueer farmer boy to do crafts with and raise cows and paint with and dance with. F**k. I'm gay. I'm gay and I have a cis man boyfriend that I gotta tell. I like him. I guess I just don't know what I like yet.

Well, what do I like? I like the idea of liking a boy. But it never feels like I really like them. I don't wanna talk about if I'm gay or not anymore.

A STORY: 

A sweet little goose in the middle of a field, a grassy field filled with flowers. She's lost her pack, back pack that is. 

She lost it when she was flying in that V shape in the sky with her family and it fell somewhere in this long a*s grass. F**K. The goose can't find her backpack and her family flew off in that f*****g V shape and she doesn't know if she can catch up. I guess she's lost. 

There's a boy, a little boy holding a red balloon wearing overalls standing over there staring at the goose... with a back pack on. F**K. okay... she's gotta get this back pack off this little boy, but how? maybe she can honk at him.

H O N K 

he doesn't even budge, in fact, he tilts his head a little like a little psychopath. Okay. It's not like she needed anything in there, it just has everything she's ever loved. A rock, five sticks, a bag full of money and a live frog that wanted to see the world. she hopes that frog is okay, she was really starting to like that little guy. 

F**K. 

Okay, I don't know if I can finish this story. Not because I don't want to or anything but that's pretty much all that happened, she never got the backpack back. The frog died of starvation, she never saw her family again, and that little kid grew up to murder multiple people in his hometown and never got caught. 

BACK TO MAYBE BEING GAY. 

So I might be gay, I'll let you know when I know. But I know. I guess the part I'll keep you updated on is how being gay with religious trauma up the A*S goes. Wish me luck, I gotta talk to my boyfriend. We said we'd take a week break. Well I said I needed a week to think. He honestly might break up with me before I do. I don't even know if I'll break up with him. I'll be honest with him. He's a pretty open guy, maybe he'll still wanna chill. That'd be cool and take off a lot of pressure I'm putting on myself, quite frankly. 

I gotta call my gay best friends and ask them what I should do. They're gay. 

Anyways, I guess I gotta go. This is getting too real. I'll be back soon! Stay tuned!