Chapter 33- Morning Wake-Up- February 12th, 8 AM

After having a long talk with Trevor, Kyle realizes that he and Trevor are bonded in different ways, but will their new friendship help each other in the long run, and how will Kyle's first day go?

A sudden loud bell jolts me from my warm pleasant dream. I still have my arms wrapped around Trevor’s warm body. I know we have to up and ready by 8:15 to line up to go to the cafeteria to get our breakfast. My tired body did not want to get up, so I slowly slipped into a dreamy sleep once again. There was a lovely yellow field of dandelions and Jamie, Trevor, and I were all walking through this bright yellow field hand-in-hand-in-hand. We were nowhere near the mental hospital and we were all happy and smiling.

            “Here Jamie, I picked this for you!” Trevor gives Jamie a big dandelion.

            “Awwh, thanks Trevor!” Jamie glimmers. Jamie and Trevor run off hand-in-hand and I am left alone in this field of brightness. All of a sudden, they return with a huge pile on dandelion. They pour all of the dandelions onto my head. I start giggling with happiness.

            “I’m so happy I have you guys!” I smile. Just as the dream couldn’t get any better, both Trevor and Jamie jolt me awake once again.

            “Kyle!” Jamie raises his voice. I groan in displeasure. “Come on, you need to wake up. It is almost 8:10.” Ugh, f**k this s**t. I guess it’s time to wake and face my first real day in this hellhole. Still having my closed, I move one leg off the bed, then the other. I finally lift myself up into a sitting position. I open my eyes to see the bright light from the window in the room. Both Jamie and Trevor are dressed and ready to go. I got off the bed and head to my bureau with all my clothes and other necessities. I grab a t-shirt and some sweatpants, (without strings of course) and walk into our bathroom in our room. I shut the door behind me. I always turn the light on after I close the door. I am instantly blinded by the light. When my eyes adjust to the light, I see a figure in the mirror I would like to call, Kyle.

            A similar feeling overcomes my body. Whenever I look at myself in any mirror, I feel disgusting and worthless. Before I committed suicide the first time, my morning routine went the same way. Wake up, go to the bathroom, look at myself, feel worthless, and then cut myself. When I first started cutting, it hurt like a b***h, but now it just something I do and its been killing me not to do it. I feel like I need to fuel my fire to hurt myself like I have been for the last four months. It’s not like this first time I have to resist the urge not to cut myself because I dealt with while I was in the hospital, but this is long term and I don’t know if I’m going to be able to deal with it. I cannot resist the urge of not cutting myself�"I literally have a burning passion for pain. I scatter around the bathroom for a few minutes trying to find anything to cure my craving for red blood and scars, but there is nothing here. Go figure.

            “Kyle, are you almost ready?” Jamie asks me in a rushed tone. “It’s 8:14, Victoria will be in here to get us any minute!” He says. F**k! I’m running out of time and I’m not close to being ready yet. I look at myself and try to figure out something. My fingernails! I haven’t cut them in a while and they are sharp enough to make a very slight cut to savior my craving. I take my left pointer finger and angle it just enough. With as much as I can put into my swing, I bring my hand down fast and dig as hard as I can into my skin. Not hard enough! It was only a scratch. Again, I bring my hand down as fast and dig into my shoulder with more force. F**k. So much pressure is released. My breathing returns to normal and my heart rate slows down�"I finally now go on with my day.

            “Kyle, its 8:15. She will be here any second!” Jamie tells me. I quickly rush to take off my nightclothes and put them into the laundry basket in the corner. I grab a pair of underwear, one leg and in, same with the other. I abruptly here a knock on our door.

            “Come in,” Jamie says. I here to door swing open.

            “You two are ready, is Kyle?” I hear Victoria’s voice ask them.

            “I’ll be right out!” I say loudly.

            “Okay, don’t take too much longer please,” she tells me. I quickly slip on my sweatpants and pull a t-shirt over my head. I quickly open the door and see Trevor exiting behind Jamie. S**t, I’m going to be late. I run over to my bureau and open the top drawer. I find toothpaste, toothbrush, and some clothes. Where is my hairbrush? I dig a little deeper and I feel like poking me in the hand. There it is. I quickly take the brush through my hair a couple of times and call it good. I put the brush away and run out the door, shutting it behind me. Jamie and Trevor are only down the hall. I quickly walk towards them before Michelle comes over. I look like I’m walking like I’m a fast penguin, but I don’t care if people give me looks because I know they are. I finally make it to where they are standing just before Michelle comes over to the boy’s section.

            “Good timing,” Trevor whispers.

            “Thanks, I tried.” We both giggled. I rushed so quickly to get here that I totally forgot that I cut myself. Wow, I cut myself. I guess I’m glad I’m here so I can figure out how to control my impulsive behavior because right now, it’s not going well.

            “Good morning everyone!” Michelle cheerful voice glows through all the depressed face in the area. A very scattered ‘good morning’ is heard back to Michelle. “Come on guys! It is a new day, it is time to get to it!” Good god, shut up, please. See, I used my manners, I call that a step in the right direction. “Alright, the girls are currently in all the rooms getting their blood pressures taken. It will just be a few more minutes,” She tells us. She walks away out of our section momentarily, probably to check on the girls.

            “Is she always here cheerful and full of energy?” I ask Trevor.

            “Pretty much. I don’t think the woman sleeps but I’d wish she would sleep more so I don’t have to see her every time my eyes are open.” I giggle. It is so true though. I mean she probably gets here around 7:30 in the morning and leaves around 10:30 at night. F**k, that is a fifteen hour day�"doesn’t she want to take a break? I would literally be dead if I worked those hours, five days a week, every week.

            “So are you okay since we talked?” I ask him.

            “Yeah, it makes me more comforted that you’re going through the same thing as me. For once in a long time, I actually have hope in my life, and I feel like you could help me.” Awh. I really want to hug him right about now, but I can’t, and that is itching at my impulses. We both smiled at each other.

            “Yeah, and you’re telling him and I to get a room,” Jamie jokingly comments. Trevor snickers at his remark.

            “Puh-lease. It’s not like I knew Kyle was going to be an awesome individual,” Trevor glimmers.

            “I could’ve told you that,” Jamie fires back.

            “Shut up and get on your knees,” Trevor shoots back. Oh good god! I face palm my forehead. These two are going to get me in so much trouble, I giggle.

            “Don’t test me, Trevor. You might like it. I hear I do well,” Jamie winks. I once again, face palm. Trevor was just about to open his mouth, but I cut him off.

            “Okay, okay guys. No need to fight over me now,” I say to both of them while smiling. Please don’t fight over me, I’m really not that great. My smile fades off my face as Michelle returns to the boy’s section.

            “Alright everyone! The rooms are clear. Follow me!” She cheerfully says whiling turning around. Please bring your voice down from a shrilly chainsaw to at least an annoying high-pitched high school girl. That would make me feel a little bit better about being here. As we walk towards a part of the building I don’t recognize, I see a lot of locked doors and signs that say, ‘please do not disturb’. Maybe these are the nut cases that are worse than me. Michelle stops us at a long hall with a bunch of rooms with open doors. She tells us that these are the rooms for the morning routine, (blood pressure, medicine, blood sugar). We all enter separate empty rooms which has a nurse inside each room. I walk inside one of the empty rooms.

            “Good morning,” she smiles at me.

            “Morning,” I say softly.

            “If you would have a seat up, that would be great,” pointing to the exam table. I hop on up.

            “I’ve never seen you before. What’s your name?” What am I? A little kid? Please talk to me like a regular human being, not a mental case who is stupider than f**k. This is why I hate doctors, hospital, and people in general.

            “Kyle,” I tell her.

            “Well nice to meet you, Kyle!” She smiles once again as she straps the blood pressure monitor to my arm. “Are you new?”

            “Yeah, I�"uh, came yesterday.”

            “Oh, I understand.” As she tightens the strap and pumps it up, I start to tense up. Of course. Now it is going to read high and my doctors are going to freak the f**k out. “130 over 90,” she says. F**k. “A little high, but nothing too bad.” She continues to smile. I sit there silent as she checks everything off.

            “Let me just check your blood sugar. She pulls out a pen with a clean needle on it. She pulls back on the pen and puts it on my finger. I look away. Pinch! I flinch only a little out of surprise. “Not so bad is it?”

            “I guess not,” I mumble. She puts my blood into the tiny sliver inside the testing strip. She both wait a minute while the meter analyzes my blood. 112 reads the meter.

            “That is where you need to be so that is a good thing,” she keeps smiling. “Alright, it says here, Kyle that you’re on Zoloft for your Panic Disorder and for your Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and you’re on Prozac for an anti-depressant. Is all of this correct to your knowledge?” She asks me.

            “Yes, all of those are correct,” I say softly.

            “What was that?” She says.

            “Yes,” I say a little louder.

            “Okay.” She hands the cup of three pills to me with a small cup of water. I put all three pills in my mouth and swallow the water with the pills. “Open.” She commands me. I open my mouth widely and show her that all of the pills are all gone. “Alright, you’re all set,” she tells. She pats me on the back. “Have a good day Kyle!” She tells me as I walk out. Good god, I have to deal with that every day. Ugh! I am the first one, surprisingly, out of the three of us. Victoria is standing about five feet from me keeping an eye on the group. I walk up to her.

            “Hi Kyle!” She smiles. “How are you doing this morning?”

            “Okay,” I tell her.

            “Anything I can help you with?”

            “Is my first full day going to be stressful?” I ask.

            “Knowing your background, probably a little bit, but you’ll be okay,” she reassures me. I didn’t say anything, I just starred at her.

            “Anything else you needed?”

            “Yeah…” I hesitated as I saw Trevor come out of the exam room with his flippy messed-up bed head hair, it’s kind of cute. I smile. “Did Michelle put Jamie, Trevor, and I in the same room because we are dealing with the same problem?” I ask as Trevor walks up to me.

            “Yes, she did actually. She tries to pair people together by their problems so they can help each other out.”

            “That is good thinking because it is actually working.”

            “Good!” She smiles. “I’m glad to hear that,” she tells us as she starts to walk away as Jamie walks over to us.

            “I always hate these morning exams,” Jamie tell us.

            “Tell me about it, they suck,” Trevor replies.

            “It is my first one, and I already hate them,” I chime in. Both of them giggle at me.

            “So how long were you guys up for talking?”

            “I dunno…” I say.

            “Half an hour, maybe?” Trevor says.

            “Oh okay. Was it nice to get things off your chest?” He asks Trevor.

            “Well, not just that. It made me feel more connected to him and that it isn’t just me suffering in this world, but you have people next to you that understand you.” He puts his arm around my shoulder.

            “Never let the kid go because it sucks when you do, and it will tear you apart because that is how I ended up here,” Jamie tells him. As we make small talk I see a bunch of the other boys come out from the rooms.

            “Alright everybody! I think we are all done here. Let’s gather up the girls and head to the cafeteria,” Michelle announces.

            “How good is the breakfast?” I ask Jamie.

            “Eh, it’s food.” Wonderful. Just wonderful. More slop. Once again, we form a line into the cafeteria. The sign says that today is pancakes with fat-free butter and sugar-free syrup with potato wedges and eggs.

            “That sounds like a lot,” I tell Jamie.

            “It’s really not. They like to give you small portions.” Well, that is good at least, I don’t eat much anyways.”

            “Yeah, I know you don’t.” We all go through the line and we get our plates with premade food on them. The three of sit down and I finally look at my plate of food. One pancake with one cup of potato wedges and one cup (maybe) of eggs. We all munch down on our food pretty quickly, I didn’t realize how hungry I actually was. The food wasn’t bad, but nowhere near gourmet. We haven’t talked at all through the meal, but we all too busy stuffing our faces. Jamie and I were finished, but just as Trevor was finishing, a sudden commotion started to erupt. I saw a bunch of techs, including Victoria running over to one of the boys on the other side of the cafeteria.

            “NO! Stop it! Leave me alone!” He wailed. I saw that his wrists were all red and he had a fork in his hand. All of the techs grabbed him and forced out of the cafeteria and down the hall near Michelle’s office.

            “Was he trying to cut himself?” I ask Jamie.

            “I think he did, and then one of techs saw, and they all ran over.”

            “Damn.” Cutting: Skin slashing, red marks, deep scars meaning you’ve dealt with a lot of s**t in your life that you’re not ready to let go yet. I need to cut! *TRIGGER WARNING* my brain fires off a couple of triggers in a row. I need to do it again! I saw it, and now it is my time. Stop it, Kyle! You’re getting better. You have people surrounding you who want you to success. No, don’t stop telling me that! I’ve never getting better, ever! I start bouncing and getting antsy in my seat. My cravings are overcoming with burning flaming passion to cut, deep. 

            “Are you okay?” Trevor asks me, obviously noticing that something is bothering me.

            “My cravings, I need them!” I blurt out. S**t. No. No. No, you know nothing.

            “What?” He asks in confusion.

            “Cutting.” I blurt out again. I can’t control myself, I need to do something! Impulsive behavior is too strong. The look on Jamie and Trevor’s faces tell the story�"you need help, now.

            “Calm down!” Jamie lays his hand on mine. WHOOSH!  Everything stops. I’m coming down off my high. My brain is no longer racing and my impulses are acting normally again. I lie my head down sideways on my arms.

            “Never let me go,” I tell Jamie softly as a tear runs down my face. I end breakfast looking at all my scars. Shamefulness. I can’t do this, I’ll never be okay