Transitions- Chapter 15- February 3rd, 11:30 AM

A Chapter by John Duprey

Kyle is slowing recovering, but he is still doubtful about everything, will his transition at home be the best decision, or did he make a bad choice in coming back home?

My dad dropped my mom and me off at our house. It was an emotional goodbye. My dad and brother didn't want to leave me, but they knew that my Mom was going to take care of me and make sure my recovery went as smoothly as possible. As soon as I walked in the door, I got the instant vibe of the damage of my suicide left. The place was a mess. I could tell that my mom was too worried about me to clean the house or pick it up. She also told me before I went upstairs that I would notice that the bathroom was totally remodeled. She didn't want me to come home and see the place where I left myself dying. My room was exactly how I left it when I was last there. Expect, one thing. My Mom must have went through my room because the knife that I used to cut myself was gone. I'm kind of glad that isn't there anymore so I can't torture myself. I hope I can keep myself composed and calm. I'm on medication now, so I hope it will stabilize me and my depression.

After spending a few minutes downstairs with my Mom. I slowly inched my way upstairs. I finally made it up to the top. On my right was the place I made my death statement. This was the last place I wanted to see after I got out of the hospital. But when I peeked inside, I was surprised. My Mom was right. It was remodeled. The flooring was changed and the walls were painted green instead of staying white. I turned to my left. There was my room. I opened the door. Everything was the same. Bed was unmade and everything was where I left it. I called my mom upstairs. She came up a few seconds later.

“What is it, honey?” She asks me.

“I'm going to relax and stay in my room for a little bit and think, is that okay?”

“Sure, just try to keep your door cracked a little so I can keep an eye on you”

I wanted my door shut so I can think, but being everything that has happened and that we just got back from hospital, I didn't contest with her, I just nodded my head and went in. She went back downstairs. I sat on my bed, remembering everything in my head that has happened in my life in the past six months. I was being selfish. I was thinking all about myself and not about anybody else, but isn't that what you're supposed to do? Your life should come first, but I guess it shouldn't be that, I thought to myself as I reconsidered what I just thought. I was being careless and selfish. But, I had nowhere to turn, I couldn't live anymore. It’s going to be hard going back to a normal eventually. Regular activities aren't something I'm accustomed to. I just regretted my decision to do something as stupid as take my life. I just wish that the police can find the man who started all this. He NEEDS to rot in prison. I hate how all this started and nobody noticed. Teachers didn't even help me. I hated as soon as the next day after I was raped, Jake, Diane and their worthless thugs started teasing me and bullying me again. I don't get it.

I stayed in my room for about two hours before I went back downstairs. I was starting to get bored. I needed to stay off my phone for at least a week, which means no internet, no contact to anyone, no anything. It’s probably a good thing I stay off my phone because anything could trigger me to go back to suicidal thoughts or actions.

When I go downstairs, my Mom is cleaning up the house, now that I'm home. I sit on the couch and turn on the TV and try to find something to watch. I find a documentary about a man who dealt with drugs for most of his life and now decides to come clean. I watch it for about fifteen minutes before my Mom comes and sits beside me. She watches it with me for a few minutes before she starts talking.

“So how does it feel to be home?” She asks me.

“It feels weird, but I'm glad I am. I think I'm better off here than in the health clinic. I know I'm safe here and I know you'll be here taking care of me. I just hate it that you have to take time off from work to worry about me, I hate putting you under more stress about the house and bills.”

“Honey,” she looks me in the eyes. “I would rather take off time from work, knowing you're safe here than going to work and worrying about you all the time, which means I might not be the best I can at my job.”

“True.” I stare away from her glace. We stay quiet for a few minutes and watch the documentary until she mentions something else to me.

“I need to tell you something,” she blurts out.

“What is it?” I question.

“Jamie wants to see you and needs to talk about something, but he doesn't want to because you stress about what he wants to talk to you about.”

“What do you mean?” I ask confused.

“He wants to talk you about this whole situation, and what you went through, but he doesn't want to cause you any stress by evoking what happened.”

“I want to him though. I want to show him that I'm okay and everything will be okay.”

“I can call him and set up a time to where he can come over here and you guys can talk.”

“Could you?” I asked excitedly.

“Sure, if you really want to see him.”

“I do, I really do. I miss him,” I tell her.

“I can call him now and set up a time for tomorrow if he is available.”

“Okay,” I smile. She gets up and heads for the kitchen where her cell phone is.

I actually feel happy for once in months. It’s an old feeling that I'm not use to. I want to make amends with Jamie since the last time we spoke was the day I tried committed suicide and we had fought.

The rest of the day I go between my room and downstairs with my periodically checking up on me to see how I'm doing. I started to feel tired near 4 PM, so I lied down in my room and after five of minutes of lying there, I fell asleep.

I woke up suddenly and jumped out of my bed. I woke up to a terrible nightmare. I was breathing hard and was relieved that it was only a nightmare, but it scared the s**t out of me. I dreamed that when I meant Jamie that he blamed for everything that went sour in our friendship, and that I didn't deserve to live. I hope that is not how it is going to go tomorrow. The whole incident felt so real, and I woke up to seeing myself laying there to a second cut to the wrist. I didn't want to take the chance of hurting myself again, I needed to take my medication to take the ease of that dream off of my brain.

I headed downstairs where dinner was already done. My mom was just finishing up cooking.

“Oh, you're up?” She smiled.

“I am,” I say to her as I scroll into the kitchen.

“Just in time for dinner.” She made my favorite dish, her homemade Shepherds’ Pie.”

“You should like it,” she continues to smile. I grab a plate and a fork. I grab the bowl and put a small portion of Sheppard’s Pie into the bowl, I then sprinkle shredded cheese over and started to head to the table.

“Don't forget your medication,” my mom tells me. That's right, I need to take that to calm me down and not think about killing myself again, I think to myself. I grab one pill from my depression bottle, and one pill from anxiety bottle. I put both pills on my plate, and now I sit on the table. The doctors told me that I wouldn't be hungry for a few days when I get home, so I expected not to be too hungry, but I need to have some food in my stomach so my pills can take full effect. I ate about half my bowl before I took my pills, then I ate some more. I couldn't finish my whole bowl because I wasn't that hungry. The whole dinner was mostly ate in silence until I told her that I was scared.

“What are you scared about?”

“Going back into normal life. What if Jake and Diane don't leave me alone, I know they got in trouble, but that still doesn't stop them from bullying me.”

She looks at me and takes my hand, “Honey, the school has a handle on them and whoever associated with the bullying of you. There are pending criminal charges against them, but nothing has been finalized yet because you did survive.”

“But aren't they still in school?”

“Yes, they are. But they are being monitored everywhere. They have cameras following them, and they are being monitored online as well, so if they try to threaten you online, the school will find out.”

“I hope so, I’m just getting better now, I don’t need any more setbacks.” I glance off, just hoping that she will be right. I’m glad my family is here for me because if they weren’t here, I would still be depressed and suicidal. Everything should be fine now.

Three days go by, all I’m doing is lounging around, and my Mom has been here with me the whole, scheduling doctor’s appointments and set me up for a counselor and a psychiatrist. I am beyond bored, and need something to do. I wish my Mom would let me go online for a little bit to cure my boredom. If I stay any longer here, I’m going to go stir crazy. The next days are going to be important to me because tomorrow two police officers are coming to get my statement about what happened the night I was raped. The other day is the first day I get to see Jamie for the first time since our fight.

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