This was suppose to be you not me

The one time we needed you most

Where were you?

Wallowing in self pity

Thinking how could you go on?

Well here’s something you missed

It’s not just you dealing with this

We all have to deal with this

We all have to try to keep this family together

So when you became that emotionless shell

You helped no one

You left that to me

You became so much less then you were

You made it so I had to be the strong one

So I had to be the one to pick up the pieces

Hold them together

I couldn’t mourn or break down

No I didn’t get to do that

I got to hold all I felt in

I got to sit there and let it fester

I had to put me aside and hold them together

I had to let everything not effect me

I had to be the one to take on that stress

I had to take care of them

It was your mother crying herself to sleep

Every Night

And yet it was me who held her

Me who held the flood gates in place

Me who comforted your uncle about your father

Me who held my mother as she wept for him

Me who held my older brother

Me who tried to get that four year old angel

To understand his grandfather and best friend was not coming home

Me who held my cousins as they mourned

They always said you would be the head of the family after him

If that is so true then why was I the one to do that?

Why was I the only one who had one to be strong for me?

Why did I have to find someone to be my rock?

Why weren’t you there?

Why didn’t you help me?

Why was I left to fix myself?

You say you’re sorry

That you never though it would fall to me

You were just like your father

Therefore no matter who is older you are the head of the family

I am just like you and him

Only difference is I have those blue eyes you escaped

So daddy dearest when you fall into your darkness

I have to fill in

I have to keep the family together

I have to keep them from following your lead into

That emotionless abyss you love so much

The difference between me and you?

 That’s simple I’m more like him

I don’t break

I’m stronger then you

I’m not going to let this family fall

I can put emotions aside and do what must be done

As emotional as I am

As much of a wreck as I am

I still hold them together as you crumble

But father fail me again after the next loss

And watch as I crumble and fade

I’m 18

You’re 44

That’s a lot more years

You should be able to handle these things

And not fade

If you can’t handle that then why must I

I don’t know what I’m doing

I’m barely holding on inside

Yet outside I’m holding them together

I’m not meant to follow in his foot steps this young

It’s your job to do this not mine

And yet here I stand over a year later

Still I am the steward of this family

Acting as a leader because you have failed him

 

Author's Note

As some of you know I lost my grandfather over a year ago. Well in short my dad broke down and couldn't do anything. Leaving me to keep the family strong

Reviews

[Katie L]

yea my mom does the same thing i have to trying and keep the house pills payed, i understand, i love the poem.

[Allison]

This was great. I hate that you had to go through all of this pain and hardship. Good write.

[Fuzzy_Poluzah]

Powerful, enlightening, a very interesting, and reasonable write.

Jolly good show mate :P

~Fuzzy

[*skittlez*]

very cute q0em il0ve it y0u are a amazing writer i always l00k f0rward t0 read ur writing

[Coyote Poetry]

A powerful poem with a real story. Sometime boys must become men too soon. I like how you told the story. Description told of disappointment and sadness for a father who didn't come through. I like the very good ending. Being a strong man show the world you have the ability to do great things. Thank you for the outstanding poem.
Coyote

[Repgreece]

I really do feel for you after reading this. A very emotional poem, but also very forceful in its message. The repetition of 'I had to...' and 'Me who...' etc at the beginning of successive lines really pushes forward your points. It was very brave of you to share this and I'm honoured to have read it.

[yashsickle]

It feels very real and raw, this feeling that you're almost coming out of the words and telling me this yourself. Great piece!

[Jasi Rae]

I love how you can express so much in your words, hun. Whether you use metaphor or simile or bluntly tell your readers, you get out how you feel. You pull us into your position to see things from you eyes. Thank you so much for sharing this with me, Jess. You have a talent, I just wish you had more positive sources of inspiration.

[Daydreamer54]

AW, I'm so sorry and this type of thing happens and i'm sorry you had to deal with that,but it did make u a stronger person i;m sure! :) Kepp holding on!

[Emily Rae]

i feel the weight of burden in your words...sad but beautifully real.