Can I Forgive you? Maybe. Can I Forgive Myself? I Don't Think It's Even Possible...

Could someone PLEASE read this. I need advice!

Can I forgive you?

 

I've asked myself that multiple times... I've asked others if I should. They say you are going through a lot. But so am I.

 

You lost your father. That is horrible.

 

Want to know what is worse?

 

Losing my grandfather. Losing one of the so few people I trusted and loved! Then there is what you are doing to me. YOU are my FATHER!!! And one of those people I trusted so completely. I know his death is hard on you. But it's hard on us too. I don't think you realize that we have watched you become an emotionless shell. I didn't just loose my grandfather I lost my dad. The man who always told me it takes more then genetics to be a dad. Well I think you should know that I now know exactly what you were talking about. You haven't been a dad. You have been so wrapped up in being a f*****g shell that you weren't really there for me. I remember the man who sat there and held me while I cried when I found out about how my life was never going to be what I wanted. Where the f**k was he when I had to go under the knife? Where was he when I was scared shitless? Where the f**k was he when I needed someone?? Where was he when I was breaking everypromise I ever made to myself? I know exactly where he was! Wallowing in his own self pity!

 

You think you are the only one having a hard time? I have lost two pillars of strength that guided me in my life. TWO in one second. My family turned to madness. I could hear Nan crying every night. I woke up and took care of her. I held my tears back for so long. I fought so hard because one of us needed to be strong. And you couldn't do it. The weight of trying to take care of everyone is too much. The fighting is too much. I've been told I'm strong and no one has any IDEA how strong I am. I have dealt with all of this. I breakdown but I get right back up and keep going! WHY? Because if I don't then my family wouldn't have survived.

 

Where was that family that I tried to keep strong at when I needed them? In their own self pity. Feeling bad for themselves because they missed pap. What I didn't f*****g miss him? I miss him everyday.  You have no idea what I go through. I miss him holding everyone together. I miss feeling like I don't have to fix everything. Want to know what I really hate? The fact that the one you all see as a total f**k up is the one who was there for me most when I needed someone. That Eric was more of a father to me then my own father at that time. That he stepped up and listened to my fears while the rest of you simply said it will be okay.

 

I look at myself in the mirror and want to cry. Want to know hell? Have eyes exactly like the person you miss most. Know that they are like a curse that makes you the strong one who has to handle everything. Want to know something else? You all told me I needed this surgery that it would keep me safe. I see the scar and flip every time. everyone thinks it's because of the scar. No it's because I had promised myself that I wouldn't let them cut me open. Well now they have. I was scared and didn't really know what to do. I listened to you because you said it would keep me here longer. For your sake I hope your right. Because you guys are still falling apart and I can't keep it all together much longer. I'm barely making it myself.

 

Every night I fall into a dark abyss of sleep, but it's not peaceful. Not by a long shot. I hear him telling me that I need to keep them strong just a little longer. Then I hear my voice as a child yelling at me. Telling me how could i break my promise. How could I let my heart break promises to myself again.

 

I have heard people say over the years that I would make a great mother. Every single time I break down on the inside. I hide it as best as I can but the truth is it kills me. Even if I did have a child I would worry every second of everyday that they or their children would have this! I don't want to curse my children, if I have any, with my genetics. For more reasons then just my heart condition. That's just the easiest one to fall back on. I don't want to see them become like me. Every time people say I would make a great mom I die on the inside because even if I would I know it would never happen.

 

 Oh and DAD want to know my biggest fear? I bet it will surprise you. My biggest fear is being like you. I don't want to shut down and not be able to take care of the people I love. You and mom say that I am just like you and that scares the s**t out of me. What scares me even worse? I think I can feel it starting to happen...

Author's Note

I'm not asking for much just someone to listen some what. I don't even care if they care...

Reviews

[Jasi Rae]

Jess,
I love you. So much. We've known each other for years, and you've been there for a few of my breakdowns. I'm so sorry if I haven't listened as much as I could and that this has happened in general. I understand having the weight of your family on your back, but you need to understand somethings too. You have people who I ready and willing to help you carry that weight. We're here for you. Not just those of us you live with, but the writers here as well. You have a very large extended family. I know that doesn't make up for the lose, trust me I know, but you can find some solace here. How many times have I gone to dad in tears? More than I find reasonable because it makes me feel weak. At the same time, it lets me think: "Hey, I'm strong enough to admit there is something wrong and I can't handle this alone." You are amazingly strong, and I'm sure its more so than you realize. However that doesn't mean you need to bottle it up. Talk to dad, talk to me, try to talk to your biological father if you think you can reach into his shell. We love you, know that. And as much as it may hurt you to hear, you would make a great mother. So you want to know what I think? You should adopt children. You know my stance on that: children that need to know someone cares about them because they probably feel more alone than we ever have. You could be that mother to them, and I think your family would completely understand you taking that path as opposed to carrying one and possibly passing on your genetics.

All in all, you are strong. We both know that to be true. But you don't EVER need to carry more than you can hold on your own. That's a losing battle and I'm not one to sit by and lose you too.

Love,
Your Twin

[Daydreamer54]

Wow i can feel the anger in this! it's so sad! :( I hope things work out for you.

[Coyote Poetry]

To lose two important people in your life would be a hard emotion to understand and control. It is good to be sad and missing the good people you had in your life. I have lost many. Took me many years to put their memory where I could understand. I recommend a life book. Write down memories of your Grandfather and Father. later in life you will appreciate. I have a book with many names and stories. I read them to my daughter. Told her about the people who made me strong and kept me out of trouble. I hope you are alright. There are no words to relieve the pain. We must remember the good times and their love.
Coyote

[WriterSki7]

Life never makes it easy on us. Thing is, nothing in life will ever be easy. There's something to be learned here, and i think you did it very well. What makes us who we are is not what we look like on the outside. It's not about all the past mistakes we have made or the losses that we've suffered through. It's about what we decide to do now, in this very moment.

I'll tell you a secret my father once told me. Every morning, when you wake up, you start anew, with a clean slate. The past is the past. Tomorrow has yet to happen. Every day, when you open your eyes and get up out of that bed, YOU decide who you want to be from that moment forward. You can choose to be what everyone tells you you are. Or you can chose to be something different. But know what? You can choose exactly who you want to be. I understand you lost one of the last people you could count on to help you and keep you strong. Thing I want you to remember is, don’t let that loss mess you up. I can say with complete confidence that’s not what your grandfather wanted.

It’s not going to be easy. I know that. Nothing in life is easy. But have a little faith. You’re not dead yet. And so long as you’re still alive, you have hope. Good write btw, some spelling and grammar errors you should look, but I’m getting the feeling that’s not why you put this story up on Writerscafe ^_^

Sincerely,
Writer

[Repgreece]

A very emotional piece of writing which was obviously written from the heart. I like the way that as i continued to read i slowly got to know more about the situation within the family. Is this you writing about yourself?