Goddamned everything and s**t

this is a summary of my thoughts on an average saturday, a sort of epilogue to the day, probably a more appropriate word to use there, but my vocabulary is terrible.

I almost bought a keyboard today. And before that I thought to myself "philosophy isn’t sexy". At another point during the day I Imagined doing some kind of performance-art whereby shouting at a statue in the shopping precinct of Exeter known as Princesshay, and I would shout where are my running shoes! What have you done with my shoes! I looked in the eye of a homeless man I have seen for a few years now, he looked at me as well, and I wished I’d have enough nerve to talk to him, but then think that might be a pathetic shallow minded thing to do, as if he had some wisdom that we could share, as if I’d find out something, as if he was actually happy or living life in some narrowly romantic way, and not merely desperately insane and catatonic, but he gives me an impression that he isn’t, that he’s enlightened in some way, maybe it’s only due to the fact he wears glasses, but I honestly think it’s something else. I thought about orchestrating a robbery of a musical instrument store by running into the store clothed head to toe in black and grabbing a keyboard then running out again, only an idea. I want a keyboard. I sat on the cathedral green, ate a pasty and had a coffee trying to relax while the continual whole diabolic of the human drama courses through me like a huge roaring turbine, and I keep thinking about the fact that people and humanity in its collective consciousness are still rather distant from coming into contact with the simple sentiment that we should only live to have fun and make sure everybody’s looked after properly, and then as I watch two thuggish looking young men walk by I think about the fact that language and thought are in reality secondary to the prime force of our existence which is appetite and desire and the thrust of attitude and the ferocity of the sense people have of being in the moment and being crusaders of their own incredible exceptionality and magnificence. Today I saw girls and women everywhere and I continually feel sexually apathetic which has afflicted me recently. I think I desire some kind of love. But I do not doubt that the sex spectacle will rear itself again soon enough for me. I have a hundred thoughts or more and I grab some booze on the way home, first a bottle of beer and then while continuing walking home I pass a convenience store and also get a bottle of wine in addition to the beer. I seek no novelty here, I try to seek no novelty. But it seems to keep taking form despite my efforts, like some hapless attempt at being a “writer”, oooooohhh, are you a writer? Truth, we only want truth. Oh f**k, I have totally just realised that I have poured all of this babbling out in vain. Always trying to scoop up myself in an honest but accidental exemplification of wittiness in my graceful bemoaning and ranting. What’s my point though? This is quite literally what happened today, and that’s honest. 

Author's Note

please be brutally honest with me, in the most explicit terms, i want to hear you out, give it to me full-on and merciless, i wont retaliate