You Being Blue (Outrageous)

Variation on a limerick. It follows an aabbc ccdde, et cetera rhyme sequence. Plus a little triplet thing at the end. Might be awkward, but I was just messing around. Do you think it works?

I ask myself why feelings are so empty now,

and frankly, even I don’t really know how.

They say the thought ages,

I thought it outrageous,

but I guess even they know better.

 

So I write down my words, I write down my letters,

I write about dreams, they say it’s jet-setter;

but now I don’t care

and it seems I’m aware

that now all I really want is you.

 

You being bliss, and you being blue;

you proving that all of my poems are true.

That seizing the day,

I’m stuck, I’m afraid,

because thoughts have been aging too long.

 

Can you tell me if I can risk losing for a song?

I guess that’s what the song has been all along.

I guess you could say

it’s not worth the shame,

but I know I’ll continue in silence.

 

They say you can’t find this

same feeling with shyness,

I guess even they know better.

Reviews

[MadasonBlue]

The triplet at the end was very nice. It made the whole poem sound very playful, a wonderful read.

[Jessica Elaine Stevens ..]

This was fantastic. I love how playful the word choices were and the rhythm was very well done. Bravo, a very enjoyable read!

[1809 Black Plague Decem..]

Breezie, enjoyed the read very much. I think our thoughts do age, and wisdom too. Shyness, I'm in that boat myself, wishing someone who I like could notice me, anyhoot, great write, ----mishy

[A]

The rhyme scheme does work. I've never read a poem written this way and I love this! Very creative! The poem itself was great...I really enjoyed this piece :)

[Stephen Scaggs]

Dear Ms. Kae,

First of all, like always, thank you for sharing. You do write beautifully and deserve kudos. A very interesting limerick, one of the best rhyming sequences that I've ever read honestly. People think you need to have an ABAB or AABB rhyming sequence, but poetry has no real structure. Rhyming in purpose is made to keep the message in the form of art combining both heart and soul into the mixes of particular words; of which you pull off brilliantly. "You being bliss, and you being blue; you proving that all of my poems are true. That seizing the day, I'm stuck, I'm afraid, because thoughts have been aging too long." But even in reading this, I did find a common flaw of just rambling on words to help make the poem feel more complete. Remove unneeded lines to help keep the poem crisp. As far as the work goes, it's excellent. But remember, it's a long road to the top. :P Kudos. 9/10.

Sincerely,
S. W. Scaggs

[Hollywood]

Very smooth flow with rhyming. It's cute & interesting.

[Alz Alz]

the rhyme definitely helped to make the poem flow smoothly. i really enjoyed reading this poem... it has many meanings... 100/100