Will of a Character

There is a modern will to survive, however ambiguous or vague it may be deemed by others. But, like all things it remains relative to the individual who experiences it.  It is not something complicated nor is it simple. In fact, one could say it’s complicated in its simplicity. It is only visible to those who can already see it.  It is only understandable by those who already understand it.  But for that reason, it is an individual will. It cannot be shared with others but may be propped up and supported by the mere existence of another.  It is a will, it is a belief, it is a faith.

An individual is as complicated as his past experience has made him. This one, he is an enigma. A person who is not easily seen nor easily identifiable. Perhaps he is that cute guy you saw at a club dancing and never saw again. Perhaps he is that sweet young man who helped you pick up your loose belongings after a trip down the escalator. He has a reluctant yet pleasant smile when he tries to help that entices more legitimacy in your replied thank you. 

“Are you alright?” he asks and you respond in kind. And as easily he was there he is now gone walking against the crowd towards the dark exit.  So much you would like to stay and talk. But he is easily forgetful as he is easily pleasant. As quickly as he was there to help you; as quickly he was there to provide his hand, he is gone and all that remains is that sense in your head that something and someone was there.

When he is ready he calls upon you to join him. He takes you to a common place. You sit and talk with him often, at a café or perhaps over dinner. But the conversation isn’t necessary for him. It is only necessary for you. He does not need conversation to know the unexpressed thoughts and feelings of another. In fact, the conversation is only a means to allow for what he does not know to be relayed to him. And you do so willingly.

“Is something bothering you?” you ask him, confused with the purpose or meaning of his silence. But he is perfectly alright.

 

“I am just fine.” He responds as he sips his glass. His hands caress the sweating drops from the beverage and he rubs so softly, looking down upon the surface as you continue to go on with your side of whatever story you chose to tell.

He is so very interested in the conversation. He pays attention and he listens intently hoping to learn more about what is important to you. And yet, at the end of the conversation as you part ways, you realize the truth. You spent hours talking together, yet you still know very little more about him than you did when you began. So much you want to talk to him. So much more you want to know.

What he knows that you don’t is that the goal of any conversation is the conversation itself. The perfect conversation is one that leaves no question answered, no idea fully materialized, no feeling completely expressed, and no thought fully revealed. If all was concluded at once there would have no more need for one another.

He stays with you listening calmly without interruption. His attention is yours and you appreciate and love him for it. He is so very sweet and so very kind, yet so very quiet. So you fill more and more with conversation. And he does respond; you begin to notice.  He asks you more questions. He engages you, not himself.  And you oblige. He smiles.

He is an individual of curiosity and understanding. He speaks very little to allow you to speak more because he knows the more you speak, the more you reveal of yourself. And it is with only the best intentions that he wishes you to continue. But however curious and however understanding, he is still an enigma, he is still quiet, he is still unidentifiable.

He does not fear his position nor does he regret it. He wishes to be this way. He enjoys his solitude and his solitude is necessary for him. But he is also very engaging. In fact, he enjoys it. He enjoys listening to others. He enjoys knowing what makes you who you are and being a part of it at that moment in time. He will never forget the past and will always remember who you are. But you may not remember who he is. He will still just be that nice but quiet guy you had dinner or coffee with or, perhaps, even more appropriately, you remember him for how he made you feel though you may never remember his name again: a person, a memory, only identifiable by an emotion.

When you meet him, you may begin with false impressions, assuming him to be outgoing. It is a common mistake as his genuine interest in yourself and others gives off this impression. But do not be fooled. He is quiet and reserved only opening up to his intimates, those whom he trusts. Tragically, this can only be very few and he may only give you hints of his truest of inner thoughts.

“Are you lonely?” you ask. He does not respond clearly. Instead, he only replies, “Are you?”

At first you are caught off guard. He did not answer your question. He did not respond at all. But for whatever reason, you don’t pick up on it. Instead, your reply is curious. “What do you mean?” you say.

That is all he needs. That was the response he sought. Speak now to him. Speak the truth. This is your time to reveal what is within you to a man who wishes you nothing but the peace you so desire. He is the one man who can help you achieve what you have sought for so long. Speak now. Speak now. Speak now.

But even after. You must face what is true. You know very little of him. He is strange. He is an enigma. Do not fear what you do not know. Do not fear what you do not understand for he has never feared you. He embraced you and called upon you to reveal yourself to him and the world. But he must remain closed. He must remain to himself.

Oh how he wishes he could be more. He wishes he could engage with you more intimately. He wishes he could join you in the world he is helping you create for yourself. But that is not what he is here for. That is not who he is. His life requires a sacrifice that is so beyond what others assume, that he must accept that he will be alone. A pain expected.

He is a rarity. Him and others like him. It would be wrong to assume these individuals follow the rules of others, for they are “others” within themselves. What makes sense in the behavior of your friends and others may not be applied to those like him. If they are, you will misinterpret much and push him away. There are certain things he needs from you. Certain things yet incredibly simple ones. But he will never tell you what they are. He will wait to see if you will do them on your own. He fears the truth but can only accept it and should he find falsehood within the relationship, the validity will fall and he will fade. It was not your fault. But he no longer has purpose with you if the validity is gone. If you don’t need him, he will go.

But sometime, you may feel he is pushing himself away; away from you. Perhaps you think he is upset with you or just no longer wish to have you around. But this is another false interpretation. His introverted nature and required retreat away from you is only a necessity to gather his strength. His balance between the worlds of extrovertism and introvertism leaves him many times tired, weak, and disillusioned and he must re-evaluate himself and others to reposition himself in a comfortable limbo, for his will is precarious.

However small the group he is a apart of and however rare his existence may be, he must seek out social gatherings to infiltrate. All his questions, all his interest, while still a genuine concern for others, is a search for companions to share life with and partners to love who are not of his type. He is on a continuous quest for that needy soul.

There is a modern will to survive, and his survival is the belief that there is more in others. His greatest strength and his greatest weakness is his belief. He encounters many yet still fails to encounter one. Sometimes he believes that needy soul does not actually exist but rather that soul is within someone who already knows and must be released, only contributing more to his close interest in others but tragically also in his sense of failure. If the person who chooses is in the past and he has lost, he may be crippled and will struggle.

He fears, truly, only one thing. He fears himself. The more he learns of you, the more intently he listens and enjoys, the more he begins to fear his own shadow within being cast amongst those he wishes no harm; those whom he wishes to save. And he does begin to see his shadow cast and he fights not to see it or let it grow. He still continues.

Yes, there is a modern will to survive for him. It is the belief that things can be the same, that things can change, and that you will one day understand who he truly is. The modern will to survive for him is that there is more. His will to move on is that one day, he won’t have to say anything.