A lonely moment

An excerpt from an old diary.

I found my skin burning yesterday for the touch of a man, my nostrils for the scent of masculinity, my lips for hungry kisses of love, my hips for a dance of passion. I closed my eyes to picture my dancing partner and saw a honeymoon in Paris, myself drowning in the love, passion and joy of a loving carefree man. When the sun came up, I realised just how hungry I was. As I walked from work today, I realised that I just needed a man. Someone to pick me from work, ask me how my day was, share a meal with me, tell me I am beautiful and buy me a ring. I am hopeful because I know that God answers prayers. I fell into the trap of lust yesterday and sinned. The voice in my head is screaming that there is no way God can answer the cry of a heathen like me. Someone who falls into the same trap of her own flesh again and again. But my heart bleeds so much with this new desire that I pray anyway and lift my dirty hands, with faith. If only God would forgive me and really answer me once and for all. I can’t imagine what that will feel like, to be answered sincerely, truly. And I can’t wait!

I close my eyes often and imagine what it will feel like to be in his arms. I want a passionate man. A man who will grab me in heat in the kitchen. A man who will only have eyes for me and yet when we are alone he can’t wait to peel the clothes off me. I want to be clean for him. I want to smell like a goddess in his arms. I want to forsake all that was never taught to me so I can deserve to melt in the arms of a man with the character of a saint and hunger of a cheetah. But above all else I just want to be loved. I want to not believe what good fortune has befallen me. I want to be one of the luckiest women alive. To be a princess in a castle. To be taken care of like a fragile bird even when I can take care of myself.

I want to wake up next to a face. Sleep wrapped in human heat in the winter. Put on a slip and pose on the couch with dinner ready, waiting to satisfy my man after a long day. Go on long drives just because the best moments in life are those spent with your stomach churning because your love is so close.

The color of my love can be bright gold or deep chocolate, it doesn’t matter to me, as long as he loves me like they say in the songs.