Surviving

When I was young I looked up to people. At first it was those who had authority over me like my parents, teachers, aunts and uncles and the like. When I got involved in sports my hero's were Larry Czonka, the running back for the world champion Miami Dolphins, and Mark Spitz, the Olympic swimming multi gold medalist. My family always gave reverent deference to the educated we knew, so doctors, lawyers and intellectuals were added to my list. This pretty much continued until I grew to see that the authorities in my life as but mere mortals and they, though many I respected, fell from their pedestals.

As I put more of myself into my schooling, the athletes I had once revered, took their place beside the authorities. It wasn't until I had achieved a good deal of experience, after entering my professions, that the learned too became real to me. I initially had my sights set on attaining a plethora of knowledge and skill, translation I'm good like the hero's I have for so long worshipped.

Today, after many highs and lows and over two years of being alone, I have gained an understanding, a knowledge, that books can never hope to convey. I do think learning prior to experience is essential but experience trumps any class or book. Having freed myself of restrictive influences, I have reignited my true inner passion for learning and for knowing.

When I was just 4 or so, I remember thinking, what is this? Why this existence? Is this all there is? Never having anyone to truly commiserate with, I felt alone in my quandary. I adapted, I surrendered myself to survive. I can remember so many times forcing myself to think like others, though I could never fully give in. I was always so honest, empathetic to a fault and desperately wanted others to connect with me. So I overcompensated, I adapted, I created myself to approximate others and earn their love.

Until about a year ago I had always held my true self back. The pain, the overwhelm, the rejection although I hated going through it, became a salvation of sorts. I, out of a need to survive and cope let my mind go, to learn, to be curious again. It's been the wildest ride ever but I wouldn't trade it for the world. Though far from finished, I have never felt the passion of reconnecting with the person I forsook when I was just a boy.

Reviews

[nazia]

well written.. after all life is the second name to growing up and realizing that ultimately you have to face your demons on your own.