Seeking Whole

Relationship

Seeking Whole,
in So Many Words:

Written wordplay of pondering notions while shielded by the fortress of Solitude is meditation towards a healing task:
To mend nigh despairing self,
written down are simple thoughts caught in sometimes stormy neural commotions.

W/sincere 1st blush,
Just soliloquy of word.

Cannot carelessly leave a fragile mind’s wounds to fester nor its inquisitive thought go un-expounded upon apathy’s engulfing shelf.

Exceedingly aware, of could be said, thoughts being by spirits possessed, strong & difficult morphing opinions often of character defining.

Fantasy drafted w/ dramatic mood verbally acted out upon juxtapositions’ empathetic stages,
deviating from playbook’s usual confabulation, nothing absolute nor totally wrong, just continually refining
in repeated un-sequenced neither last nor 2nd or first acts portrayed & rehearsed w/ non-existent audiences.
Scripts composed in frail creativity w/ vague references,
little reservation.
Maybe too unknown others’ lives not written as yet upon their own journaled pages.

Become as real, deep, even surreal.

Toying with correctness of even the slightest of chosen word for proper enunciated expression.
How said, lo, more so how resonates in the head, spoken, in the mind how heard.

Near being a longing lyricist’s obsession.

We individually seek unique versions of whole, & to others the manner in apparent strange errant direction.
Maybe the pathway lost,
unknown, or hidden amongst incomplete Self’s dark unspoken confessions!
Great & small are life’s turns as needed corrections.

Oh, but whom to pay the lavish cost?

Crafting an orchestrated phrase is consciousness’s means of maintaining a touch of sanity w/ such task.

An ability to express in a depth beyond few other’s conceivable reach.
Nonetheless,
who might be stronger, or the weaker to seek,
who of interest to curiously & politely ask?
Who to humbly read,
then w/ an empathy feel,
as to truly understand What I secretly am compelled, nakedly to reveal?

I admittedly being an exhibitionist,

of not private body but that more esoteric. Refusal to be stoic,
refrain subtle urges from social media’s luring twist.
Yet from others dear;
Me, kept mostly hidden,
sharing having been forbidden by pragmatic fear.
Risk deep revelation, where shadows of uncertainty forbid selfless gestures of candid heroics.

This, this me, unsettled, seeking whole.

For whomever to ever of such a kindred kindness w/ like need on life’s journey appear,
but from regrets’ quiet, mystical, & prayerful appeal,
One of such must be of heaven spent,
why should any ignore or have doubt of mind that so blatantly clear?

Albeit,

this of which unconsciously,
fervently from not least even those exotic,

I do beseech.

Those who are leerily chosen themselves must choose.
Whether read that upon display as casual liner notes with only some curious intent,
or subconsciously be struck to feel as when such unspoken reveal manifest on a lover’s guilt-laden face;
then purposely peruse,
deeply immersed in its’ weighted strain of complex un-importance & that of
Self’s contempt bearing glaring attempts at only some salvaged grace.

Truth’s thread of forever a void in alone,
blindly or wayward seeking;
where words in one’s defense continually weakening,
& have no meaningful place.
Sacrificially being condemned by Self’s ultimate disgrace:

Never the beauty of thine own soul,
revealing.
To have had another to had welcomed home.

Plenty of these from which to seize.
Regrets & lamentations,
too many sorrows not said,
too many wrongs to appease,
too many hearts broken & tears upon weary face & pillowcase.

Alms offered towards remorse a mere token.

Gone but not its glory nor any sorrow,
a time when immensely short of whole,
seeking;
to had selfishly sought life’s rewards & immediate soothing of society’s deemed forbidden loves without another’s thoughts, no conscious’s restraints, mindless naught.
W/ callous & oblivious disregard but not schemed, Others’ unguarded feelings there nakedly bare, their intimacy of immeasurable whole exposed, handled as waste.

One may incessantly recall as background to the horrid, pit of silence’s self quarreling, silently swear whilst within a cold hell standing;
just how it felt, of then to compare,
to what now an unreal real.
Confession pushed to questionable true regret,
longings incomplete,
dismal state from which no escape resolved yet….or even its’ planning.

That which had lain in the withering fields of dreams just a long day before,
or was it but another season.
Unwittingly were sowed weeds of yesterday’s, today’s & tomorrow’s sorrow,
a reality still visible through the nebulous ghostly glowing sunrises & it’s settings as too anticipation’s nagging regret.

For reason’s reasons, all other w/o kindred understanding may not forgive,
not forget.

Evoked are flashes from memories,
aromas & others senses of impetuous passion, hearts’s intimate, once unguarded reveal.

All now sensed senseless feelings must w/ savagery conceal?

Not Wicked of heart
but numb of wayward seeking,
a wholeness,
that of another’s appreciation,
that of exposing one’s whole,
that being a luring appeal;
just blindly & recklessly done alone in selfish, emptying, intimate revealing,
judged by the frigid as of grandiose poor taste?

Selfishness’s rewards & punishments by choices made of pain, before & now to bear,

too many these, only decisions of haste.

Here, There....
strew amongst rambling strings of thoughts seeming for naught are only my person’s intimate clues…

Poignantly, politely, colorfully one may concede of my being as healing by this poor wordplay revealing;
but still,
Humankind heart’s accompanying affliction:

Uniqueness of deepest Being,
still longing of acceptance & another’s kindred affection.

Being of Mostly Blue in its many pale & various hues.
Seen dimly in such colored light are more than only glimpses, a nakedness of my bareness out of self-censored control.

It now to Me, & Too you.
Not only to only the stranger,
Could we dare be so bold.

Look beyond the toweled reflection,
loosen fisted grasp,
let cover hit the floor, hide dire longings, depth & spirit no more;
Childishly appreciate all once just below & especially that not mirrored,
but by another,
of such beauty of whole,
behind the eyes, a wonder not shallow nor exceedingly deep w/in.

Share only a simple un-tethered deepest unspoken free thought,

w/ treasure if found,

a waiting kindred relative, cohort or friend;
rare as a jewel that lay loose upon the ground.

Simply emoted, best way to begin.

For I as you;
maybe once,
maybe still or maybe always
to be as this rambling plea,
only almost whole.

Jgr July -September 2018 & into future seeking it to be almost whole.

#Excuses, Seeking, To have said so little in so many words....
#Sorry. Almost Whole,To have said so much in so few a word.