Gosh, David!
How elegantly this is presented to the mind, heart, and soul, and your phraseology is second to none, My Friend, and it is far more impacting and easy to follow, than when read in your original format … simply lovely.
Techy stuff: (punctuation) A few less periods (stops) would produce a smoother, more continuous flow, and examine the rule for semicolons. I wonder at the word "viscous" (thick/sticky?). Your groupings are virtually spot-on in context, meaningful timbre, and emotional moment … what a way to keep and hold one's attention, just long enough to absorb and enjoy, before moving-on to the next step in your poetic journey … it really bade me enjoy the story.
Few pen more impacting Free Verse poetry, than you have here, David, and the ending is perfection at its finest.
Your skills are really dancing for us here, and I thank you ever-so gratefully for sharing this excellent piece of genuine warmth, sweet emotion, and flowing poetic beauty … it's a winner! ⁓ Richard
95/100
Posted 9 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
9 Years Ago
Thank you Richard. Your advise helped me rework this a bit last night. I have been writing on my I .. read moreThank you Richard. Your advise helped me rework this a bit last night. I have been writing on my I phone and it is awkward at best for editing purposes.
Thank you for the encouraging comment. I know I am not a professional writer and it feels like a compromise every time I post, but I think I need to just get it down and out... Not sure why, but I just do. In my profession, I have to be much more exacting.
I used viscous hear to convey a fullness and thickness of the ocean's voice; as apposed to the usual fluidity of the water itself. Kind of like thick plaster becomes fluid when placed on a vibration, once lifted off the vibration of the ocean, its voice solidifies into a sort of gel in the mind of the listener. Maybe it is hard to convey every intention.
I like to think of how heavy a feather is and how light a rock is... etc...
Anyhow, I think your kindness has already paid dividends in my mind. Thank you for taking the time to actually instruct rather than pass by with a glance.
Be well.
9 Years Ago
What a pleasure it is to join-in with you, David … thanks for including me, My Fine Friend.
The start and ending with the word Welcome is a nice touch. Hope and love is what I read throughout this poem. A warm welcoming embrace.
Posted 9 Years Ago
9 Years Ago
Thank you for your comment and your time. I am on a dive trip in Utila this week, but I will try to .. read moreThank you for your comment and your time. I am on a dive trip in Utila this week, but I will try to get by and read your work soon.
Gosh, David!
How elegantly this is presented to the mind, heart, and soul, and your phraseology is second to none, My Friend, and it is far more impacting and easy to follow, than when read in your original format … simply lovely.
Techy stuff: (punctuation) A few less periods (stops) would produce a smoother, more continuous flow, and examine the rule for semicolons. I wonder at the word "viscous" (thick/sticky?). Your groupings are virtually spot-on in context, meaningful timbre, and emotional moment … what a way to keep and hold one's attention, just long enough to absorb and enjoy, before moving-on to the next step in your poetic journey … it really bade me enjoy the story.
Few pen more impacting Free Verse poetry, than you have here, David, and the ending is perfection at its finest.
Your skills are really dancing for us here, and I thank you ever-so gratefully for sharing this excellent piece of genuine warmth, sweet emotion, and flowing poetic beauty … it's a winner! ⁓ Richard
95/100
Posted 9 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
9 Years Ago
Thank you Richard. Your advise helped me rework this a bit last night. I have been writing on my I .. read moreThank you Richard. Your advise helped me rework this a bit last night. I have been writing on my I phone and it is awkward at best for editing purposes.
Thank you for the encouraging comment. I know I am not a professional writer and it feels like a compromise every time I post, but I think I need to just get it down and out... Not sure why, but I just do. In my profession, I have to be much more exacting.
I used viscous hear to convey a fullness and thickness of the ocean's voice; as apposed to the usual fluidity of the water itself. Kind of like thick plaster becomes fluid when placed on a vibration, once lifted off the vibration of the ocean, its voice solidifies into a sort of gel in the mind of the listener. Maybe it is hard to convey every intention.
I like to think of how heavy a feather is and how light a rock is... etc...
Anyhow, I think your kindness has already paid dividends in my mind. Thank you for taking the time to actually instruct rather than pass by with a glance.
Be well.
9 Years Ago
What a pleasure it is to join-in with you, David … thanks for including me, My Fine Friend.
Gentle, velvety romance. David, this is absolutely lovely. You touch on all the senses with your spectacular imagery. So happy to read your words again. Lydi**
Posted 9 Years Ago
9 Years Ago
Thank you for your kind words. As usual, I must say the inspiration was a gift bestowed.
I'm.. read moreThank you for your kind words. As usual, I must say the inspiration was a gift bestowed.
I'm happy the words resonate.
Be well dear Lydi.
"A milky prismatic rainbow of sound.
Sing illuminated dreams among Earth's choir.
Give the azure ocean's viscous voices words to sing."
Homecoming has its yearnings, expectations and embraces. We find solace and awakened souls illuminated in all the brilliance. A masterful write...:)............
Posted 9 Years Ago
9 Years Ago
Thank you Sami. Gifts abound and your words to me are gifts indeed.
yes, lynn is right, a beautiful work of art...it's like an artist's masterpiece in which i hear John Lennon and John Denver speaking of nature and peace and welcoming with loving arms...
Indeed. We sing here, I think. Thank you for the visit Jacob. I feel rusty. Have not written a poem .. read moreIndeed. We sing here, I think. Thank you for the visit Jacob. I feel rusty. Have not written a poem in a long time until last night. Feels good.
9 Years Ago
you might feel rusty...but your words seem as well oiled as ever, my friend.
glad to .. read moreyou might feel rusty...but your words seem as well oiled as ever, my friend.
glad to see you writing again...it's been some time and i missed reading you.
j.
9 Years Ago
Thank you. Your words do mean a great deal to me. Thank you for your constant encouragement and supp.. read moreThank you. Your words do mean a great deal to me. Thank you for your constant encouragement and support.
Hello David :) What a beautiful work of art this is, and a warm generous offering of the heart. Some striking lines you have here, "delicious, earthy fragrance, humming orange sensuality"? YUM! "sing illuminated dreams among earth's choir"? Sigh...the whole poem is an enchanted gift to read, sir. I loved it!
Posted 9 Years Ago
9 Years Ago
I am honored by you review. Thank you Lynn. I hv not written in over a year. This is me opening back.. read moreI am honored by you review. Thank you Lynn. I hv not written in over a year. This is me opening back up again.
Much like you...
Still, I can only ever be to you what you are willing to see of me. This is true of us all.
May we learn to see the best in each other.
I am happy to be friends with anyon.. more..