Fear (ramblings of a sleep deprived mad woman)

written in a depressive funk a few weeks ago. seems the only time the words flow is during these times of sadness and dispair. i suppose i'm grateful not to be in this place all the time.

I am afraid.  I am so tired of being afraid.  Where is my security in the midst of the storms?  My lifeboat in the safe harbor? 

Why am I afraid?  Is it the uncertainty of an unknown future?  My life is so abundantly blessed.  Why so uneasy?  Why the unrest?  No one knows what the future holds.  No guarantee of even that next breath's song. Who am I to know what's wrong; to know what's around the next corner. 

Afterall, I am the one who let go the hum drum melancholy of robotic existence.  Having been secure in the comatose day to day.  Adventure I'd seek.  But never bargained for this nomad-like displacement.  Kicked out of my cozy nest.  Fallen to the ground with immature wings; not quite ready to fly.  Why?

Scared.  Scolded.  Scurrying off to find that illusive balance between life and love.  Having left my nest, my cocoon.  Riding off in a hurricane wind, sitting high on the tail of a tornado. Not wanting to ride it all out in the dark dank cellar.  Wanting to catch a heavy breeze without being completely torn away. 

Can't take the silence.  Can't take the sound.  Where is my place?  Where is  my ground?  Been ready to sit at the grown up's table for many years now, but just can't seem to find my place there.

"Be anxious for nothing" so the instruction manual says.  Yeah!  Right!  Easier said than done!

"I surrender all".  Um Huh!  All good in theory.  I've done it before.  If only in passing; a temporary fancy.  But the restlessness returns again and again.  Unable to let go that eager want for some unknown what.

"It's all good" - YEAH! Right.  No it's not.  It's NOT all good - though it should be.  Why not?  Why not just be thankful and content?

Though in deeper thought, I know we are all just children regardless of years passing.  Wounded and weak.  In need of our Father's gentle touch.  "Come to me little one" the sweet comfort calls.  Too much for your small soul to bear alone.  Stop the temper tantrum of going it alone.  The thrashing resistance to release.  Why fight it?  Be carried away I say.  Let the tears flow & wash away the grit and grim we try to savor. Let it out and set it free.  My plea - be answered.

What to give, what to take are the questions of this day.   Give it all.  Take it all - are the only answers that come to mind.  All of it I say.

Life please take me and make me your own.  I'm humbled and blind; too scared to trust that safety line of love's embrace.  This race we run. Unable to train for this marathon.  School of hard knocks; got my graduates degree from that place!

When do I get angry & fight?  When to let go & let circumstance take flight?  Good questions, but ones without answers. 

Contentment I crave, but must leave behind the complacency that accompanies the confidence needed to face the day to day. 

Do not sway.  Stand strong, but be supported in the arms of His love, little dove, little child.  Find your comfort.  Find your solace.  Let go the wilderness of being alone in this world. Give.  Take.  We all need a break.  We need both. 

Let the anguish bring forth the strength received for reaching out.  Being connected.  Not rejected.  Let us all hold out together, creating a tether of strength in one another.

Not meant to go it alone.  It's okay to be weak.  It's okay to be strong - we all need to be both in the end.