Ode to the Penis

Just a little insomnia inspired satire. It's not what you think.

It's 3:00 am in the morning and I'm up for the 2nd time to change my cotton tee shirt from the dripping night sweats that suddenly seemed to have plagued me these past couple of weeks.  Funny such an act could become the inspiration for my very first Blog. 

As I lie in bed, insomnia overtaking me, I am reminded of a friend's entry into the ‘I LOVE MY PENIS' group on another website.

It was such a wonderful accolade.  I became almost as proud of his penis as he was.  What a glorious organ!  It was a part of who he was, an extension of self, as I recall his description; the essence of his manhood and life's pleasure.  I remember very little about it's practical purposes toward procreation and the obvious urination processes, but more so of it's service towards pleasure and the gratification of his humanness & manhood.  

I began to get jealous.  Dare I say, I began to have the dreaded ‘PENIS EVNY'?  Was Freud right?   I was fraught with this thought, as was another woman who wonderfully responded with the ‘I LOVE MY VAGINA' group.  Ah yes,  embrace the Vagina!!  ‘I will, I will' I said and even commented in the second handed, half hearted group. 

After all, women do possess such power with their vagina's. We hold the existence of life itself inside the mysterious chamber of secrets; the holy grail some would say.  I tried so hard to buy into this theory, but at this particular moment, I'm back to the glories of manhood.  

Men have it so good with their PENISES.  Besides the obvious practical functions of peeing upright and oh so discretely outdoors, the damn thing requires very little maintenance.  One never sees a commercial for masculine hygiene products.  No husky convenient spray for freshness or little wipes to have on hand just in case.  It's typically pretty clean and fresh as it ‘stands'.  

No, women are barraged with a multitude of products designed to sweeten, freshen and prep up.  We are bombarded with commercials for tampons, sanitary pads, sprays, perfumes - whatever it may be to keep that little area in ship shape condition.  For what?  Well I guess that's obvious; we really do need it girls, now don't we? 

Face it, vaginas are high maintenance.  They really do need most of those products.  And aside from the obvious, men have no oozing, dripping or drainage to worry about.  Women are not always the sweet, fresh, sexual, thong wearing pheromone factories our men want to believe. 

Why I've seen men actually cringe at the word m-e-n-o-p-a-u-s-e.  It's worse than the ‘C' word, and actually bothers them.  They don't want to hear about the darker side of our womanness.  They hate that word nearly as much (if not more) than the thought of menstruation, and quite frankly, I'm on board with you guys. 

I don't mind seeing the VIAGRA car whisk around the NASCAR circuit from week to week, but put a Kotex car out on he track...  well, one can only imagine the chain reaction and turmoil that would commence from both sides of the gene pool.  "It aint fittin'..  It just aint fittin" (to quote one of my favorite movies).  

I actually added a goal of I WANT TO HAVE A PENIS.  Not the I WONDER WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE TO HAVE ONE goal. I actually want one.  The group didn't exist until I created it; but hanging my head in shame I deleted the it from my list.  

Why couldn't I embrace who God has made me to be.  I mean really, woman was the vessel that brought the Savior of mankind into the world.  I was shamed into hitting the delete button, struggling to cling to my womanly destiny.  But alas, here I am, digressing in my drippy tee shirt at 3 am, thinking how nice it would be just to have the manly appendage and be done with it all.  

I used to volunteer in a nursing home, feeding Alzheimer's patients who could no longer feed themselves.  A caring son was in one Sunday and asked his ninety year old mother, "Mom, what was the greatest accomplishment you witnessed in the 19th century?"   She responded without hesitation:  "TAMPONS".  Not the invention of the automobile, the atomic bomb or even putting a man on the moon, her answer was TAMPONS. 

 

Well, that pretty much sums it all up for me right now.  I feel much better having this all out of my system and am off back to bed for a few more winks before arising to tend to the needs of my affectionate (then) husband and son.  Something I do with all love and servitude.  After all, they are my family, they love me and take care of my needs as well, but more importantly,  they have PENISES... 

Author's Note

Photo credit to: Julie Andguladze

Reviews

[Ravenskald]

Grin, I was kinda worried what I was going to find here.
Very good but not entirely true ;)
"No husky convenient spray for freshness or little wipes to have on hand just in case.."
True but your first girlfriend tends to let you know there is a thing called hygiene ! :)
A very interesting read,
excellent Satyr ;)

~Raven

[DrewBerry]

Thanks Octane and yes indeed, the shaving and waxing ritual is an major unintentional oversight... D****t, it's not easy being beautiful!

Appreciate the time to read and nice review. Have a great day!

[octane143]

Lol! I loved this, and it was absolutely not what I expected. How true though! You did however forget to mention the shaving, waxing and general grooming involved with having a vagina! So a wonderfully entertaining read!
I don't mind seeing the VIAGRA car whisk around the NASCAR circuit from week to week.. but put a Kotex car out on he track.. well, one can only imagine the chain reaction and turmoil that would commence from both sides of the gene pool.
I almost pissed myself! LOL!

[poetforlife]

I absoluetly loved this!! Truer words were never spoken! I too have penis envy sometimes and wonder what the Good Lord was thinking when he chose to make our bodies the way He did. BUT....they are true wonderments, are they not?? Nothing else is created like the body of a woman. I am just learning in my 40's how much power we hold with this bodies and with that power comes a great responsiblity. So celebrate you!! You are fearfully and wonderfully made!

[Titus McGuire]

What can I say...this was very amusing. Not what I had thought it would be, but it was good for a laugh, and what's more interesting is the truth of it all. I am not a woman so I don't quite understand all of your feminine needs and products, but there are several things on the market and several commercials for such items that I kind of get the idea that it is high maintenance. Again, this was amusing, a very funny read.

[DrewBerry]

Thanks Leah and Arsalan - Glad you liked it. Hope your head feels better leah :)

[Leah]

HAHA! And I thought I was the only who..... uh.... nothing. You made my headache feel lighter! Very, very good indeed friend!

[Arsalan...]

this looks wonderlful DrewBerry, in fact this was a fact
i like reading your work

[DrewBerry]

Ohh yeah... Soap and water.. hmmm.. do the advertisement agencies know of this new and exciting technique?

[DrewBerry]

Thanks Daniel. The title is a bit misleading, but it's one of my favorite funny pieces.

If you like this one, read I TOOK GRANNY DOWN.

~ later ~