Life Musings

About Life, Thoughts, Contemplation on the purpose of life

The light in my soul, 
searches itself;
Where have I got lost, 
questions itself.

The remedy lies in you, 
answers my heart;
But how do I abide, 
when things fall apart.

The shrieking sound unsettles me,
I look around trying to find thee,
Thy shall live with all thou heart,
Never does the path comes to the lost.

The chirps of bird,
the feel of my breath,
The calmness of mind,
serenity in the air.

The manoeuvers of the world,
stubbornness of my heart;
Verdant lush tress,
purplish blue flowers.

The infinite blue sky,
gazes at me,
Says I want you to be with me,
An ode in heaven , 
a paradise in clouds.

Ocean of my life, 
meets the sky;
The sense of thyself,
remains the sole elixir.

Don't go after anyone or anything,
Sit and think,
you are world and world is you.

Brace thyself to be full of you,
Luck, fortune and happiness will come to you,
A blessed child of God, 
have faith and belief.

Holy God is kind and loves you,
For he has the most beautiful child living in you.

Author's Note

Please review wholeheartedly and strictly.

Reviews

[William Liston]

I enjoyed this poem's focus on simplicity and nature and how they can soothe a troubled heart, even in the worst of times. The overall feel of this piece is nostalgic and dreamlike, with the beautiful descriptions setting the serene atmosphere at the perfect time. The connection to God at the end added a lot too; it helped to add a sense of hope to the piece.

Because of your author's note, I assume you're okay with constructive criticism, so let me say this: Though the flow of ideas and overall clarity of this piece are on-point, I think it could benefit from some "spiffying up" to become more evocative. For example:

1. Words like "thy" and "thyself" seem too "old-fashioned" for this piece. Those words were common some centuries ago ~ not so much now. That being said, I suggest replacing "thy" with "you" and "thyself" with "youself" and "thee" with "you," "it," or "me" (whichever one suits your intent).

2. In my opinion, the first stanza would read stronger if it was written as follows:

The light in my soul,
searches itself.
"Where have I got lost?"
it questions.

In the second line, I used a period (instead of a semicolon) because I felt like there should be a full stop there. I also added quotation marks and a question mark in the third line to more clearly convey the idea that the soul itself is speaking (as indicated by the quotation marks) and asking a question (as indicated by the question mark).

3. This is a very subjective critique, but I don't think you need the rhyme in the first three stanzas as the transition from rhyme to lack thereof initially felt awkward to me.

Hope this was helpful.

- William Liston

[DreamyEyes]

I am really thankful to you, Mr. Wilson. I am extremely grateful to you for the indepth analysis of my poem. I agree with the modifications that you have suggested and wish to get my other poems too, reviewed by a connoisseur like you.

Thanks