Turning 40

Random Thoughts

That bear is from is called The Tatty Teddy Bear collection.  It was originated, when a child left her bear outsisde all winter.  When spring came, the fur had faded to gray, the thread on the nose, turned blue and there he was.  i have liked this bear for quite some time but thought they were just pictures, drawings, whatever, until i got my first real one from my best friend always Jason.  Sent all the way here from England.  When i opened the box and the bear was in there, he was wearing a t-shirt that reads Wherever you are, whatever you do you know i will always be there for you. So if you're alone there's no need to fear, just give me a call and you know I'll be here. And there has never, ever, been a time thus far that Jason hasn't been there for me.  No matter what the conversation, what the problem, what the good or bad news has been, he's never faultered.  He has stayed. Period.  In a few short hours, i will turn 40.  i've been looking back at things, looking ahead at others.  i've thought about people, their intentions whether good or bad, who's come and who's gone.  There have only been a handful of real, true, honest to God friends and i now know, that makes me a very lucky woman.  i have 4 beautiful kids who although can be a handful, will always be my greatest accomplishment.  Raising them on my own, fighting tooth and nail to keep them happy and safe.  We have a warm, comfortable home with everything we need.  They go to one of the best private schools here and are thriving.  i have no help from the one that had a hand in helping create them, but it doesn't matter.  We are doing ok without him. i had a wonderful career as a firefighter and although it was cut short, long before it's time, it will always be, in my mind, the greatest thing i've ever done.  Though i miss what i did, i find that more often than not , now, i can look back on it and smile,  Each time i come down the hallway to my bedroom, i can't help but notice all of the degrees, certificates, etc, that hang framed and lined up on the walls.  From college, my Associates in Science Degree, my many Dean's List certificates, perfect attendance.  From firefighting, my Firefighter Level's 1 and 2, my Hazmat certificate, my Emergency Medical Technician Levels 1 and 2.  On the wall behind my headboard, hangs an 8x10 framed photo of my Engine, my helmet hanging proudly beneath it, blackened and melted from the fire that ended my career.

i have helped those less fortunate than me, but never treated them as such.  i have seen life taken, seen death more times than i can count.  i have also been able to bring life back and give those people, another shot at life.  i have tried harder and longer to restore that same life, to those i knew were already gone~but i just couldn't give up until i was ready to.  i have cried with such pain beneath the brutality i have seen and then turned around and cried tears of joy at others. i have given many an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on.  i have given some the best of me, others, only a part of me. Through every heart break, i try and reason what happened in my mind, always coming to the conclusion that people~are just people.  Everyone needs to do what is right for them.  There is no guideline to follow in life.  We make it up as we go along and hope everything works out for the best.  i have been down to the point of no return and am thankful now, that there were people  there, to bring life back to me and give me another shot at getting this right.  For all of the life i have restored, mine was given back in return.  i have many, many things to be grateful for and new things ahead to add to that ever growing list, of life's accomplishments.