Mirrors

Short story that has a poetic feel I wrote in 7th grade.

Thin pieces of string wrap their greedy, white fingers around the poorly drilled holes of reflective sheets. 

Webs of cracks climb towards the top. They sway and twirl in the cool Autumn breeze. 

No sun reflects off the glass. Only the early welcoming of a brewing storm off in the distance. 

The trees they shook hands with danced to the ominous song of the meadow.

The grass is a beautiful bice green, a contrast to the the sad, gray storm.

Roses bloom in shades of crimson. Their thorns creating a spiky barrier.

My shoe-barren feet sweep along the stretch of land. 

My ankles are carressed by the soft blades of grass.

A mirror catches my eye, and I step toward it. The reflection I see is beautiful. In an odd kind of way.

Her dull blonde hair is complimented by eyes swirling in a turquoise-emerald shade, and lips as red as the roses. 

I touch my relfection, and the other me shakes, blowing away in the direction of the wind.

My gown ruffles against my back, and my messy blonde braid whips against the small of my back.

I can feel his presence...

He knows I am here... And it frightens me.

Aureate  eyes glow, looking like two gold specks in the dark of the forest.

My breath is caught in my throat. He steps forward, sheathed in a black coat and dark glasses.

Ebony tendrals eminate from beneath his coat, creating a dark aura around him.

Evil radiates and pulses through the Incubus.

A staff peaks from beneath his coat. 

A swirling moonstone encased in steal claws, and I can feel the strength of it.

I retreat, slowly.

I must have underestimated the true strength this demons really possesses. He bares his teeth, exposing a yellow fanged grin.

He

Sees

My 

Fear.

I am brave,

but I am also afraid...

The Incubus saunters toward me, revealing snow white skin.

I back up more.

The storm rages above us, breathing in shades of purple, green and black.

Mirrors clash against each other with the immense power of the wind.

I turn to run, but stop short.

A mirror hurtles toward me, and before I can react, I see my ending has come.

The last thing I see is a pale face and yellow eyes.

And blood...

Lots of it...

Author's Note

Critique my writing! :3

Reviews

[Bethany]

*shudder*
This is haunting and beautiful.
I love the suspense and tension that builds up to the cruel end

"The storm rages above us, breathing in shades of purple, green and black.
Mirrors clash against each other with the immense power of the wind."
This is my favourite part, such powerful imagery.
Great job!

[Dana Alsamsam]

i love the haunting feeling of this! the only critique i have, since i loved the piece, is watch how many adjectives you're using! it makes the syntax of your sentences more complicated than they need to be. for example in just the first few lines you use "thin, greedy, white, poorly, reflective, cool, early, brewing" but other than that i absolutely love how this makes me think, great job!!!

[Brian]

The imagery in this story is absolutely beautiful. I usually see a lot of people use a lot of big words for the sake of using big words but every adjective in here is perfect. Loved the story!

[chaotic katie]

wow! I loved it. the suspense and tention. If this were a movie i would be the one sleeping with the lights on when i got home. Nicely written!

[sounds of shadows]

Writing about incubi in 7th grade? You probably puzzled your writing teachers as much as I did.

Nicely done - one suggestion might be to play with clipping your lines. More lines that are shorter would tend to draw the experience out for the reader, without diminishing the intensity.

[Löubna Zaafara]

i love it

[minnie:)]

Very scary, couldn't help but shake throughout the story. It was really good, most likely captivating :)
~Minnie

[K.S.78]

I liked this piece. It is a hard read but in a good way. A little bit of a tongue twister at the beginning lol. For a more inexperienced reader the only critique I could give is maybe use better line breaks or add more space in-between thoughts (stanza's,verses etc...). I quite enjoyed it though! "Webs of cracks climb towards the top. " - brilliant!

[unsavable_soul]

I shall not critique,
I jest, actually I really don't have anything bad to say. Extremely descriptive and ominous. You have much mental imagery in your choice words. They tell a very twisted little story of a demon like being, sounds like someone made a deal with a devil. This piece might not be a bad horror spoken word piece.

"I touch my relfection, and the other me shakes, blowing away in the direction of the wind.
My gown ruffles against my back, and my messy blonde braid whips against the small of my back.
I can feel his presence...
He knows I am here... And it frightens me.
Aureate eyes glow, looking like two gold specks in the dark of the forest."

I found this portion very captivating in the piece as the panic was made clear and the description was also very well done. Yellow eyes, cat eyes and the story of one characters untimely demise. I loved it.
Sincerely
Christopher
100/100

[Roxii]

You have beautiful writing that must come from a beautiful mind. You are truly amazing and mystical.

[quinfinn]

this is very, very good! descriptive, with powerful imagery and some very well chosen words to illustrate the whole scene. i like the interpretive ending as well....color me impressed.