June 19, 2014
(12:31 am)
Let me explain something to you.
I feel like brains function one of two ways-
There is a happy brain that experiences pain.
Or there is an unhappy brain that experiences joy.
And I feel like people, for whatever reason,
receive either a happy brain or an unhappy one.
Now let me explain something else to you:
I think I received an unhappy brain.
I made the first cut on my skin at 12,
The first burn at 13, couldn’t eat at 14,
Traded myself to him at 15, and to you at 16.
And every single time, I told myself it was okay.
Hospital rooms and clapboard walls were never my thing.
Not that I was ever given a chance to see them.
I’ve told myself for years on end to wait for it to pass.
And I’ve had my mother tell me that I was scaring her.
But believe it or not, I was never scared of anything
Quite like I was when you decided you were going to go away.
Do you know what it tastes like for someone to stay?
Do you know how it feels to remember every date in your head?
Do you even remember the color of my eyes?
Do you know the date we last kissed?
Would you have kissed me longer if you knew it was our last one?
Or would have it been more reason for you to run faster?
Listen to me. Listen to me. I knew you from the inside out.
I could tell you the reason behind every scar on your skin.
What did I do to be such nothingness to you?
Did you forget about July? Did you forget about me?
The six word story you wrote - “I was her back up plan.”
After all that time between us, your story still wasn’t about me.
I’ve been writing about you all this time,
And you still haven’t read a word.
But, God, if you only ever hear one thing from me ever again let it be this:
I will never stop being a miserable person.
I was miserable with you and I am miserable without you.
But with you came the only genuine happiness I had felt in years.
My heart thawed when I received so much as a look from you.
Enough with your inquiries: “Are you doing better?”
Because, no, my darling, I am not doing better.
You may be doing better, and I sincerely hope you are.
Your happiness will still always be my happiness.
If you had to leave me to achieve happiness then so be it.
But don’t, for even one goddamned second,
sit back and feel content with yourself, thinking
“I did the right thing to leave her, she will be better now.”
That did not help me. That did not help me. That did not help me.
You thought I stayed up too late?
With you I stayed up until 12 and slept until 9.
Now I am awake until 3 and I sleep until 12.
You did not help me by leaving.
You did not make me better by leaving.
You did not give me a reason to try by leaving.
You did not cure me by leaving.
You were my cure.
And the sickness is setting in again,
but now I think it’s already reached my heart.
(1:05 am)
(Do you remember what happened one year ago today?)
![[send message]](https://www.writerscafe.org/images/mail.png){kind=small}
![[befriend]](https://www.writerscafe.org/images/friend.png){kind=small}
Share This
Email
Facebook
Twitter
Read Request
My Library
Flag Writing
